If you’re online at all in today’s day and age, you’ve likely heard of the term “gaslighting.”
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, “[gaslighting] is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity. As a result, the abusive partner has a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control).”
Typically, this process is gradual, so much so that the victim usually doesn’t pick up on what’s happening until it’s too late. Once the abuser has effectively caused their partner to doubt their own instincts and perceptions, they then continue with their abuse, knowing their partner is more emotionally vulnerable. After all, someone who feels like they can’t trust themselves is the ideal victim.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline added that there are multiple techniques involved with gaslighting, including withholding, countering, blocking/diverting, trivializing, and “forgetting”/denying. Unfortunately, these behaviors can be difficult to spot—especially if you’re more susceptible to manipulation than others.
Here are four red flags that you might be a target for gaslighting.
1. You Constantly Second-Guess Yourself
We all experience self-doubt, but if you’re constantly second-guessing yourself, you’re not living in alignment with your own intuition. Oftentimes, that small voice in your head or feeling in your gut is trying to protect you. However, when you believe your instincts are wrong, you will be more easily convinced that you’re the problem, not your abusive partner.
This is why so many people who struggle with mental illnesses are targeted by gaslighting abusers. For example, as someone who suffers from OCD, or what I like to call the chronic doubting disorder, I constantly blame myself for every issue in my relationships. Being with the wrong partner can be extremely dangerous in such instances.
2. You Feel ‘Too Invested’ In Your Relationship
…so much so that you don’t believe you can leave.
According to Mark Travers, Ph.D., in his Psychology Today article, “When someone has a compulsive need for love, they devote themselves entirely to their relationships. They invest time, emotional energy, effort, money, and in some cases, their entire identity into their love lives, and when they’ve given that much, walking away feels like a loss of everything they’ve invested so far.”
When you’re in this position, you might subconsciously feel more willing to endure abuse. However, no matter how much you’ve invested in your partner, you can always walk away and seek professional help to get you on your feet again.
3. You Label Yourself As ‘Too Sensitive’
Many genuine, empathetic souls have been told they’re “too sensitive.” If—rather than owning your sensitivity as a superpower—you personally believe you’re in the wrong for simply having deep feelings, you’re likely more at risk of being gaslit.
When you’re used to invalidating your own experiences and emotions, you might tell yourself that others “know better” and are “more rational” than you. Our emotions can act as blueprints, shedding light on where we’re being taken advantage of or neglected. If you constantly suppress those feelings and trust others over yourself, you might become a victim of gaslighting.
4. You Feel Powerless In the Relationship
When one person seemingly holds the “power” in a relationship, this creates the ideal setup for abuse. This is often the result of love addiction, where one person is super attached and dependent on the other.
“When you’re addicted to love, the fear of losing it can be overwhelming,” Travers wrote in his Psychology Today article. “This emotional dependence profoundly affects your ability to influence the direction of a relationship. You may start compromising not just on the small things, but on core values, all in the hope of keeping the peace or avoiding abandonment. You may compromise your own boundaries, silence your needs, and tolerate behavior you’d otherwise never accept.”
These decisions essentially lead to powerlessness, which can attract manipulation like gaslighting.
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