With the word “manchild” currently trending (thanks to Sabrina Carpenter), I think all of us are reflecting on our dating patterns and the partners we’ve chosen over the years. Recently, I’ve caught myself wondering (and confirming…) whether I’ve dated a manchild in my past. They are, unfortunately, much more common than we realize.
A common feature in the dreaded “manchild” is weaponized incompetence. For example, you send your man to the store to pick up groceries, and he purposefully “forgets” to get certain items or calls you five times with questions, even though he’s perfectly capable of figuring it out himself. It’s like an act of rebellion, punishment for making him do something he doesn’t want to do.
Of course, this isn’t exclusive to just one gender, and it can be extremely toxic and draining in relationships. Here’s what to know about weaponized incompetence.
What Is Weaponized Incompetence?
According to Psychology Today, “Weaponized incompetence, also called strategic incompetence, is when someone knowingly or unknowingly demonstrates an inability to perform or master certain tasks, thereby leading others to take on more work. This generally occurs in two domains—in the household, between partners, and at work, between colleagues. Consistently, weaponized incompetence leads to an unequal division of labor.”
Weaponized incompetence can cause overwhelm for the other partner. If you’re constantly picking up the slack, you will inevitably reach a state of burnout and resentment. That’s not a healthy place to be in a relationship.
So you get a clearer picture of this issue, let me create a real-life scenario for you.
Say you’re dating someone who never helps out with chores. After a long day of work, you come home again and again to dishes in the sink and piles of laundry on the floor. While you know these tasks are partially your responsibility, you also know that you’re in an equal partnership—meaning, your partner should be chipping in, too.
So, you ask them to help out. Maybe they wash the dishes while you fold the clothes. They huff and puff while you go to your separate corners and get to work. However, once all the clothing is organized and in their respective drawers, you return to the kitchen to give your partner a peck on the cheek—only to realize the dishes are carelessly tossed on the drying rack, food particles still stuck to them. You peer into the sink and notice a pot soaking for no good reason.
Before you can react, your partner says, “See? I suck at doing dishes.” They’re hoping you won’t ever outsource that task to them again, and for a moment, you consider throwing in the towel and just doing it yourself. But this will only lead to anger, disconnection, and resentment.
How To Handle Weaponized Incompetence?
Want my advice? Dump them.
If you want more professional, empathetic advice, however, consider what Psychology Today recommends: “To address weaponized incompetence, both individuals should openly discuss the situation with one another. It’s best to begin the conversation with curiosity and non-judgment rather than blame. Listen to the other person’s perspective. Explore what may be at the root of this behavior.”
From there, you can develop a solution together, from assigning to-do lists to creating schedules. If they still refuse to take accountability, ask yourself whether you are willing to accept this behavior going forward. You deserve a teammate, not a man/womanchild.
The post Why Weaponized Incompetence Is Ruining Your Relationship appeared first on VICE.
