My father and stepmother, who is important to me, are aging. They are in their mid-70s, and I am an only child in my early 40s. For years, my father has been trying to persuade my stepmother to reduce her possessions. She’s not a hoarder; she simply has more things than she can use. It’s a very touchy subject! We’re talking about things that she hasn’t used in years and that are unwanted by other family members. Her own mother was an amazing person who prepared for her old age: She reduced her belongings on her own and moved herself into an assisted-living facility. My father has asked me to speak to my stepmother about this issue because he has tried so many times and failed. Any suggestions?
SON
I receive many letters from readers who bemoan the chore of clearing out their parents’ cluttered homes after they die. So, I sympathize with this issue: Your father wants his affairs in better order, and you may be anxious about a cleanup that will fall into your lap. But there’s an important distinction between being asked to help and being able to help, and I don’t see what you bring to this party, frankly. I would tread lightly here.
Your father has already spoken to your stepmother repeatedly about this “touchy subject” to no avail. And you provide no insight to her reluctance: Is she attached to these things? Does her mortality make her anxious? Does the task seem overwhelming to her? Without a better understanding, jumping into this conversation — because your father asked you to — doesn’t seem helpful. (Also unproductive: comparing your stepmother with her sainted mother who never inconvenienced a soul. Doubtful!)
Now, you might suggest to your father that he offer to sit with your stepmother while she sorts her things. She may appreciate the support. Or they could create a budget for helpers to clean when the time comes. That would make it easier on you. But if your father is still concerned, he should talk to a therapist — or perhaps they can see a couples therapist together. I applaud your willingness to help, but I don’t see the benefit.
Downwind, and Up in Arms
My new next-door neighbors smoke incessantly on their front and back porches. Now that I can keep my windows open, I smell (and breathe in) their secondhand smoke. There are no regulations about smoking where I live. Should I tell them that their smoking is bothering me and, I assume, harming my health? I believe I have the right to keep my windows open and breathe clean air.
NEIGHBOR
I would be upset in your position, too. And in a fairer world, there would be rules in place to govern this situation. But apparently, where you live, there are none. This means that any improvement will require you to persuade your neighbors to smoke elsewhere, which, in my experience with similar matters, is best accomplished through friendliness — not grievance.
Go next door and speak to your new neighbors. Introduce yourself, if you haven’t already. Then mention that their cigarette smoke is breaching your windows. Ask if they could smoke indoors or farther from your home. They may agree. And while you may be tempted to be prickly with them, remember that, in the absence of rules, you are essentially asking them for a favor.
Weight Loss Without Comment? It’s Possible.
Several friends have lost noticeable amounts of weight. I am sure it is with the help of semaglutide drugs. I’m happy for them. Normally, I would compliment them on how great they look, but I am hesitant because they may not want to acknowledge that they didn’t achieve this on their own (yay, me!) but had to rely on drugs (aw, I lack self-control). Still, it’s impossible to ignore the improvement in their appearance. What should I do?
FRIEND
I know that you’re trying to be a good friend, but I take exception with a few of your assumptions: You don’t, in fact, know that your friends are taking semaglutide, nor do you know that they’re taking it solely for weight loss. (Drugs containing semaglutide are prescribed for several medical conditions.) You also seem a bit judgmental about weight: It doesn’t all boil down to self-control.
Weight is a freighted issue in our culture. So, here’s my suggestion: If your friends haven’t told you they are taking these drugs or trying to lose weight, keep quiet about it. Feel free to tell them they look well! But why wade into a sensitive subject simply because you find it “impossible to ignore”? I am confident that you can.
Trouble With (Generous) Impulse Control
My aunt will not stop sending toys to our children (2 and 4). We have asked her firmly several times to limit gifts to birthdays and Christmas, but she ignores our wishes and the gifts keep coming! What more can we do?
NIECE
It can be upsetting to have our wishes disregarded. So, I respect your feelings. Still, too many gifts from an older relative is tricky: You’ve already spoken to her “firmly.” Do you really want to escalate this issue? I would collect the unwanted gifts and deliver them to a school in an underserved area. Voilà! You’ve turned exasperation into charity.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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