While NFL players were in the trenches of a grueling season, Braden Smith was fighting a different battle: the one going on inside his own mind.
In the middle of what was meant to be a playoff-contending season for the Indianapolis Colts, Smith instead was consumed with thoughts about his faith. What started out as the formative steps in his religious journey quickly became an all-encompassing struggle.
But he wasn’t just coming to terms with his faith; he was also learning about his obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
In particular, Smith was dealing with religious scrupulosity – a subtype of OCD where individuals become “overly concerned that something they thought or did might be a sin or other violation of religious or moral doctrine,” as described by the International OCD Foundation.
As he dove into learning everything he could about his faith, Smith found difficulties equating his own past and daily actions with what he was reading in the scripture.
“I was having a court case in my mind all the time – pleading myself to the jury – because my mind all the time would be like: ‘You know, God can hear your thoughts,’” Smith told CNN Sports.
This came to a head last season when it all became too much. The OCD had taken the joy out of football for Smith, so much so that he was suffering “mental breakdowns” before games and becoming distracted on the field. He told his wife Courtney that he was going to retire as a result of his OCD.
Discussions with Courtney led Smith to check himself into a medical facility for treatment, where he spent 48 days and was formerly diagnosed with OCD. After limited improvement, Smith was told brain surgery was an option, but he instead opted to try psychedelic drugs – ibogaine and 5-MeO-DMT – for relief.
Ibogaine and 5-MeO-DMT are banned substances in the US – but not on the NFL’s prohibited substances list – so Smith traveled to Mexico to have them administered. Together with the drugs and therapy, Smith turned a corner and having returned to the US, plans to continue his football career, despite being unable to continue using the psychedelics at home.
And while the 29-year-old said he’s in a much better place than a year ago, he’s still on an “ongoing journey” with his OCD and religious scrupulosity.
“I’m still dealing with OCD, still have obstacles to conquer each and every day,” he said. “It’s part of my life. I can’t run or hide from it. And I can’t fight it either, per se, because the more that I fight, the more that I play into its hand and I just having to accept it for what it is.
“The OCD always wants you to do more and more and more. That’s something that’s been preached my whole life is doing more. But at this point, I almost have to do less. I have to rest more in it. I have to rest in that love and that grace vs. trying to do more, trying to fight my OCD.”
‘It was screaming’
In hindsight, Smith said he’s long had OCD tendencies. He remembers eating 36 chewy sweets in one sitting as a child because no matter the number he got to, it wasn’t the right number. Unsurprisingly, he was sick as a result.
He also recalls having to wash his hands a certain number of times and worrying a curse would be put on him if he was to anger anyone.
And his obsessions went to another level when he began his journey into his faith in earnest last year.
Previously, Smith describes not “living” his faith “all the way,” taking it in “bits and pieces.” In 2024, though, his life began to revolve around it. In his mind, his OCD took that journey “in the most literal sense.”
“Especially when you hear a verse like: ‘Loving God with your all your heart, mind, body and soul,’ I took that literally,” Smith explained. “Every thought I have has to be perfect and in order to do the things the right way, my mind was telling me all the things that I needed to avoid. And so, naturally, it starts off as a single thought, and then it starts multiplying all these bad thoughts you’re not supposed to have.”
Smith remembers it starting with an initial feeling of guilt about his previous sins and what his mind deemed to be sinful thoughts. His brain twisted his faith into thinking he was a “devil worshipper” and he was selling his soul in his quest for perfection.
As he explored his own journey into religion, he found a fixation with conducting himself the way literally written in scripture. That, he now understands, is “impossible” for a regular person. Striving for perfection only exacerbated the sense of guilt.
“I’ve messed up the first 28 years of my life. Now, I need 28 more years to make up for the last 28 so I can be even with God,” Smith remembers thinking.
While it started with a few obsessions, the tidal wave of thoughts grew over time. Smith resorted to compulsive prayer and attempting to reason with the obsessions as a way of bringing about a respite to his struggles.
But no matter how many times he would reason with himself – and, in doing so, God – it would come back even stronger.
“You can quiet it. You can silence it. But last year was that time that voice was the predominant voice,” he said. “It was screaming. I was in the corner, couldn’t get a word out because every time I got a word out, my OCD would just scream and put a million different things in your face all the time.”
Coping
While Smith was going through this journey, it was having a detrimental effect on his personal and professional life.
In March 2024 – two months after his son was born – his wife Courtney remembers noticing Smith was diving head-first into his faith. She recalls Smith doing Bible studies at their kitchen table and reading the book over and over.
It was only when she noticed her husband “couldn’t get past his past” that she realized something was up. She describes noting it was “more extreme” than what she had previously experienced.
They remember “Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit” – also known as the unforgivable sin – as a particular stumbling block for Smith due to the unspecified nature of the sin. Smith wasn’t able to listen in conversations with his wife about the role of faith filling in the gaps in Christian scripture, at times even questioning her faith.
And then one day, Courtney recalls Smith coming home day and saying he has scrupulosity. At first, Courtney thought he was “being dramatic” because, as she says, she herself had variations of the thoughts he was expressing during her own journey with faith.
But with hindsight, she says she didn’t understand the intensity of Smith’s struggles.
His OCD snowballed during the 2024 NFL season with the Colts. Smith said he had “no desire to play” football at that point because his mind was telling him: “Why are you doing this? Would God want you doing this? What purpose does this serve? How does this serve others? You’re playing a violent game.”
The battle his mind was going through was taking away his joy for a game he’d played for years. His brain was telling him that there was no light at the end of the tunnel and that “nothing good is going to happen so why waste your time on your family, on your profession?”
The hours leading up to a game would bring about feelings of panic for Smith, knowing he’d be away from his family and that doing his compulsions would be harder. He remembers one particular game where he had a “mental breakdown” in the hours proceeding it and had to be consoled in the locker room. Although he managed to play later that day, he talked to Courtney afterwards and questioned whether continuing his career was the right decision.
Even in the midst of games, Smith would be battling his own mind. He remembers his OCD popping up during a two-minute drive in the fourth quarter of a game, saying: “You can win the game, but you need to sell your soul to the devil.” The inner battle between Smith and his OCD would reverberate around his head all while an NFL contest went on around him.
Smith’s struggles got to a point where he told Courtney he was going to retire, an announcement which shocked her because of Smith’s love of the game.
As it so happens, Smith talked to one of his teammates who also had scrupulosity, which offered some reassurance that this was an issue they could treat. “I didn’t feel hopeless,” Courtney told CNN Sports. The Colts permitted Smith to miss the final five games of the 2025 season to allow him to get better; the offensive lineman thanks the franchise for paying the majority of his contract during that time when they had no obligation to do so as he was on the Non-Football Injury/Illness list.
The Smith’s made the decision for Smith to go to a facility for treatment. During his 48 days there, Smith described getting marginally better in the short-term but not enough to return to his normal life.
This lack of positive progress rang alarm bells with Courtney who, after talking to a therapist Smith had been working with, said that brain surgery would be the next option. Courtney was adamant that surgery would not happen.
Instead, they decided Smith would travel to Mexico for treatment and, in particular, to see if the use of ibogaine and 5-MeO-DMT would help. He emphasized the importance of trying the psychedelic drug in a controlled environment among a group of people on their own journeys with therapeutic treatments surrounded by medical professionals.
The ibogaine and 5-MeO-DMT – they are used in a five day treatment, first the ibogaine and, after a one day break, then the 5-MeO-DMT – and learning about the skill of mindfulness helped provide a breakthrough for Smith. “It opened doors into my mind,” he explained.
“It’s that greater self-awareness and seeing the OCD for what it is,” he said. “It is OCD. These are obsessions. These fears, they’re not real.
“And it takes some time to rewire my brain that way and the ibogaine gave me that blank slate to be able to actually do that, whereas I wasn’t able to do that before because my mind was so rigid.”
Last year, a study of 30 military veterans with a history of traumatic brain injury (TBI) found depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms improved immediately after treatment with ibogaine. The study, published in Nature Medicine, said they were treated in Mexico and none experienced adverse events. The state of Texas recently approved $50 million to study ibogaine.
Research into ibogaine has shown promising results but remains limited. There are potential risks to using the psychedelic, including risks of serious cardiac effects, and side effects such as nausea and tremors.
Since opening up about his journey and use of psychedelics as treatment, Smith has received plenty of positive feedback from others in similar situations looking for a beacon of hope.
The Colts offensive tackle stresses that he can’t heal anyone specifically, but does appreciate that his story can help people if they’re struggling for solutions like he was.
Smith, a 2018 second-round draft pick, has returned to the field in preparation of the new season, having agreed to a restructuring of his contract in March.
His past 18 months have seen growth, reckoning and realization. His journey is not complete, he said, but he is in a much stronger position to be able to cope with the challenges thrown his way and continue his faith journey.
And for those who might be in a similar position, Smith stresses the importance of speaking to loved ones, no matter the “vulnerability” that comes with opening up.
“All these things I’ve gone through in my head, it’s very uncomfortable. And the thing I always worried about was like: ‘What if someone confirms my fears for me? Or I get the wrong response?’” Smith told CNN Sports.
“It’s not something you want to talk to just anyone about. Go to a loved one you trust and open up about it and they probably have more clarity than you at the time and maybe they’ll be able to see it for what it is.
“In my case, my wife was the one that was getting me the help. I was ashamed to get help. I was ashamed to open up. I was going crazy. My head wasn’t in a good space. So I think really leaning on a loved one was really helpful. It does seem taboo but at the same time, if you don’t talk about, you don’t get anything out of it and nothing can happen.”
The post On the brink of retirement, this NFL player turned to psychedelics to help with his OCD appeared first on CNN.
