Driving in Los Angeles recently, I saw one of those digital billboards showing the national debt. The total at that moment was something like 36,841,875,823,151—and rising. But as the numbers that flashed by I wondered, were they counting really our out-of-control spending… or Elon Musk’s children?
And given the holiday this weekend, it got me thinking—who better to give Father’s Day tips to America’s dads than a man who has at least 14 or 15 children (as of this morning) by 4 or 5 different women? I don’t know the exact number but then neither does Elon. So here we all are.
RULE #1: Pick interesting names for your kids.
George Foreman had 12 kids (or as Elon says, only 12) and decided to name all five of the boys George. Not only is that boring—even with the Roman numerals after their name—but it will have had to have been confusing whenever he yelled, “George Junior you’re getting a timeout.” Or when Mrs. Foreman screamed out George Senior’s name in a moment of passion. You don’t want five boys running in the room while Mom is heels over head.
This is why Elon recommends every father should give each of his offspring a truly stand-out name. Not only does it give the child a sense of being unique, it greatly increases the chances that one day they could write a sequel to “A Boy Named Sue.”
The Musk kids’ names include such gems as X Æ A-12, Exa, Strider, Azure, Techno, Arcadia, Seldon Lycurgus, Romulus and Nevada. By the way, that last one follows in the 1990s tradition of naming kids after the place where they were conceived—which explains why I named my kids Paris, Dakota, and Backseat of a Buick.
RULE #2: Bring them to work.
Elon believes that kids learn by watching Dad. For example, he brought X Æ A-Xii to the Oval Office during a visit with President Trump and the very next day the 5-year-old fired 35,000 federal employees. Remember, every child wants to be just like their dad—except maybe the Son of Sam. (Editor’s Note: With this reference, Mr. Macks wins the $3 prize in this week’s Daily Beast obscure knowledge office pool.)
RULE #3: No matter how hard the day is, put on a happy face.
Elon gets it, parenting is hard. Taking care of your offspring can be challenging whether you see them once every two years or are there in-person thanks to a court order once a month; whether you’re worth a comfortable $450 billion or struggling to get by on just eight figures a year. And we all know it’s those middle dozen-or-so kids that can be especially trying.
But at the end of the day, no matter what problems your kids have caused, make sure you Zoom with them with a happy face—and that they see those store-bought Mar-A Lago lips, chiseled cheekbones, wide eyes and wrinkle-free forehead. As Elon says, seeing their parents that way can help a child have a better night’s sleep than even a double cup of Robitussin PM.
RULE #4: Be fair in your punishments.
This can be summed up very simply. Never give a child a timeout or spanking—when they need to be disciplined for bad behavior or woke ideology, simply deport them.
RULE #5: Give them life advice to remember.
My own dear Dad taught me from an early age that “there is no such thing as a free lunch” and “never borrow money on the street from a guy named Lefty as he’ll kill you on the vig.”
Joe Biden’s Dad always said, “Joey, it’s not how many times a man is down, it’s how many times he can get up.” (Which coincidentally is also the Viagra slogan.) In retrospect, though, maybe he should have suggested, “never debate after three in the afternoon.”
The problem with those missives, however helpful or world-altering the guidance they provide, is that they are not translatable to all kids. They’re too specific. Elon, then, advises all dads to pass along the following three maxims not just on Father’s Day but every day to help shape a child’s journey:
- “Always thank your mothers”
- “The first billion is the hardest”
- “Everything in moderation except ketamine”
I hope you follow this sage advice on how to raise a confident, strong brood. And in the end, no matter how hard it is to be a father in these challenging times, remember these words from another one of my heroes, Woody Allen: A Dad is a son’s first hero, and a daughter’s first love.
Happy Father’s Day!
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