I’ll never forget when I met one of my exes, whom my friends and I now call the “love bomber”—among many other less flattering names.
Our first date had that fairytale-like ambiance. Dimly lit restaurant. Quiet yet deep discussions about art and spirituality. Shared, delicious food. Fancy cocktails.
He walked me to my car after hours of losing ourselves in conversation, and I—much like Cinderella and her neglected slipper—forgot to grab my leftover pizza from him as I nervously hopped into my car to avoid the awkward post-date anxiety.
Before I even arrived home, I’d already received a message from him saying he had a great time. It was far too good to be true for a Hinge date, but I was on cloud 9. And from what it seemed, he was, too.
Following that magical night, he and I spoke all day long via texting and phone calls. Unless we were working, we were in constant communication, sharing updates about our days, debating philosophical topics, sharing artsy pictures, reading each other’s poetry, and basically acting like long-lost lovers/best friends.
A few weeks in, we began spending practically every night together, either at my apartment or his. Basically, we were inseparable.
He began talking about the future. Hinted at us moving in together when his lease was up. Asked for a photo of my dream engagement ring. Talked about our potential future children.
When you’re in your upper 20s, some of these conversations might not seem too abnormal as a connection progresses. I mean, relationships certainly move faster when you’re older. However, proposing such ideas when you barely even know the person and haven’t even met their family or friends yet seems a bit…love-bomby, in hindsight.
But hey, I wasn’t innocent either. Though I was more grounded in my expectations and intentional with my words and promises, I matched his desire to see me frequently and took his words at face value.
I trusted him.
That is, until one day—within mere hours, it seemed—he did a full 180.
What is love bombing?
According to the Cleveland Clinic, “Love bombing is a form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves a person going above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate you into a relationship with them.”
This can involve things like excessive flattery/compliments, over-communication, extreme gift-giving, and early, intense talks about your future together.
Of course, this is much different than, say, discussing your own life timelines or whether or not you want children someday. These are more personal choices and standards, not expectations for a specific person. It’s important to recognize the difference.
For example, “I’d like to have kids before I’m 40” as a general statement is not the same as “I can’t wait to have kids with you” one month into dating.
The Cleveland Clinic noted that love bombing can be both intentional and unintentional, and it’s typically rooted in insecurity, trust issues, and dependence on others.
Now, I’m not saying that my ex for sure love-bombed me. Perhaps he was just excited and confused lust with love. I’d like to think he didn’t intentionally manipulate me for his own desires, but his actions throughout our breakup shed light on the person he really was—and that person was nothing like the man I met on our first date.
I wish it didn’t take as long as it did for me to realize the toxic hold he had on me, but I’m just happy I was able to let him go and move forward.
Once all the smoke had cleared, I realized just how clouded I had been all along.
“When it ends, you might have conflicting emotions because while you’ve had this attachment or love for the person who love bombed you, you also might feel anger or sadness about how things went down,” psychologist Alaina Tiani, PhD, told the Cleveland Clinic. “Often, they will try to come back and repeat the process by checking in with you—and that’s when you run the risk of getting sucked back in.”
Impacts of love-bombing
Love-bombing can have a host of negative impacts, from confusion and disorientation to low self-worth and anxiety.
Once I was hooked and in love, my then-boyfriend slowly pulled away. He rarely drove to my apartment, meaning most of the pressure was on me to go to him. Our conversations became surface-level, and he stopped calling me as often as he did in the beginning.
I was no longer a priority. In fact, I was far down on the list of important things/people in his life. He started telling me he wanted to be free, wanted to go with the flow, wanted to see where life took us.
Eventually, he broke up with me over the phone on the day of my book release and ignored my pleas for him to return my belongings.
The switch-up was like whiplash. I was left confused, panicked, and blaming myself. But even so, at that point, I understood his reasoning.
However, I realized his true intentions when he began to circle back around for months after our breakup. He’d tell me how much he missed me, try to open the door for intimacy, say he still saw me as his future wife, claim he was so proud of me and my writing career, until finally, enough was enough, and I cut him off.
He got into a relationship with someone else almost immediately.
Love-bombing vs. genuine love
Now, just because someone is excited early on in a connection doesn’t mean they’re love-bombing you. Many relationships have a honeymoon phase, when everything feels magical and aligned.
But usually, even during those lovey-dovey stages, you’re still grounded in reality. You’re not pulling back from friends or losing yourself in the new relationship. You’re not rushing milestones. You’re just excited!
If you feel like something is off in your gut, trust it. You can always slow the pace and communicate this to your partner. If they’re argumentative about it, that’s a bad sign.
“Good relationships feel good,” Dr. Tiani said. “If it feels too good to be true, that’s probably an indication that there’s something going on. It’s important that when those feelings surface, you tune into that instead of pushing it aside.”
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