You’ve likely heard of the “Myth of the One” before, which basically tells us there’s one person out there for each of us—one individual who will save us from ourselves and this cold, cruel world we live in.
Call me jaded, but through my own dating experiences, coupled with my ongoing struggle with OCD, I think the idea of “the one” is a bunch of bullshit.
In some of my other dating articles, I’ve mentioned that I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)—especially Relationship-OCD (ROCD). Basically, ROCD describes the experience of intrusive thoughts, obsessive doubts, and extreme fixation on your relationships (typically romantic ones, but could be any form of relationship), as well as compulsions to lessen the anxiety.
According to the International OCD Foundation, “ROCD includes two main presentations: relationship-centered and partner-focused obsessive-compulsive symptoms.”
Those with relationship-centered obsessions often experience overwhelming doubts about the “rightness” of their relationship, including the couple’s compatibility or feelings toward each other. On the other hand, people with partner-focused obsessions might fixate on their partner’s perceived flaws, from their appearance to their personality.
Experiencing these symptoms is unbearable at times. I find myself switching from feeling crippling anxiety about my whether I’m with the right person to suffering from severe guilt and shame for having those negative thoughts about them in the first place.
And it’s never personal. I’ve experienced ROCD with every single person I’ve ever even briefly dated. In fact, the better my relationship is, the worse my ROCD will get, as it seems to attack the healthiest connections.
Why? Because there’s real potential there. They might just be…the one.
And that’s when my OCD begins tearing them apart to find complete certainty.
What is the Myth of the One?
Currently, I’m reading a book called Relationship OCD: A CBT-Based Guide to Move Beyond Obsessive Doubt, Anxiety, and Fear of Commitment in Romantic Relationships, which is where I stumbled upon the concept of the “Myth of the One.”
The author of the book, Sheva Rajaee, MFT, explained the Myth of the One as the idea that we each have one perfect, right person for us. That when you meet “the one” for you, everything will click. All your problems will disappear. You’ll experience zero doubts. The relationship will be effortless. You’ll finally feel complete.
Unfortunately, Disney lied to us all.
According to Rajaee, “[Myth of the One] says that finding the right person is a straight shot to lifelong certainty and security, and healthy relationships certainly do offer some of this. But the truth is that real love requires a profound tolerance of uncertainty; it requires great risk and the willingness to walk forward even when you don’t know what’s up ahead and are terrified to find out.”
For those with OCD—or, as I like the call it, the chronic doubting disorder—believing there’s just one person for us out there is detrimental. However, this concept can cause tremendous fear and uncertainty for anyone, regardless of whether they suffer from relationship anxiety. I mean, there’s a reason people get “cold feet” before their wedding.
Free Yourself From the Myth of the One
Instead of telling yourself there’s just one person out there for you—one right relationship, one right timeline, one right marriage proposal, etc.—let life surprise you. Trust yourself to make healthy decisions, and be brave enough to own and commit to those decisions, even if you’re experiencing uncertainty.
The thing is, you will never have complete certainty about anything or anyone in life. Anything can change in a matter of seconds. If you’re constantly searching for “perfect,” you’ll never find an authentic connection.
Love is both a feeling and a choice. It ebbs and flows. You get to choose whether a relationship or connection is worth nurturing. Whether you’re willing to make this person “the one” by pouring your energy and effort into them, and vice versa.
This doesn’t mean you won’t have challenges, doubts, or incompatibilities. Some of the best relationships do.
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