My ex-husband’s father died before my ex and I met. After we married, his relatives told me that his father had molested two of his granddaughters when they were young children. My ex never told me about this, and I never brought it up. I wanted to spare him the pain, though I always hoped he would confide in me. (We’ve been divorced for two years now.) Recently, two women who married into the family told their teenage daughters about the abuse. They wanted their children to know this family history. I have two teenage children with my ex. Should I tell them about the abuse? It would probably ruin my friendly relationship with my former husband, but I know my kids will hear the story from their cousins.
MOM
I respect your predicament, but I don’t think this is your story to tell. You never met your ex’s father. Better to warn your former husband about what’s coming: Your children are likely to hear this story from their cousins. And even though you never broached the subject during your marriage, raising it now would be the opposite of ruining your relationship with your ex. You would be helping him to co-parent by giving him a heads-up — so that he can speak to the children directly.
Remember: Your ex didn’t do anything wrong here; his father did. And your ex’s silence on this subject during your marriage may have been the result of (undeserved) shame. If you were still married, I would urge you to talk about his feelings with him. But as his ex-wife, stick to the issues that affect your children: They are going to hear this story from someone. Let it be their father.
Now, my answer might be different if your ex’s father were still alive or if he posed a risk to your children. I am also going to assume that, as parents, you and your ex discuss unwanted touching and consent with your children. But your question is about a skeleton in the closet, and your ex is the best person to bring it to light. If he refuses to do so, then it’s up to you. A story this sensitive should come from a parent.
When Dream Job vs. Mosquito Bites Is a Sincere Dilemma
I am 23. In January, I accepted a job as one of four heads of living quarters at the summer camp I went to as a child. Separately, I applied for a full-time job in my dream field. I mentioned this to my boss at camp, but I told him I was unlikely to get the position. Spoiler alert: I just got it! And I have to start immediately. There is no flexibility on this point. I hate to bail on camp just weeks before it opens, but I also want a meaningful career, and this job seems like an important steppingstone. Help!
NEW HIRE
I admire your integrity. Many people wouldn’t give this question a second thought: They would simply jump at the opportunity that is better for them. Still, a full-time dream job is nothing to sneeze at. And there may have been other candidates for your position at summer camp — or perhaps another counselor who is ripe for promotion.
Call your boss at camp right away. Explain the situation and your intention to take the full-time job. Apologize for the inconvenience and ask if there is anything you can do to help find your replacement. Your boss may be understandably annoyed, but circumstances are always changing, and the best any of us can do is to handle them responsibly and with grace.
Tie Goes to the Lady With 100 Birthday Candles
My former mother-in-law invited me to her 100th-birthday party. I am thrilled, and I plan to attend with my daughter. The issue: My ex-husband’s current wife is not comfortable with my going because, according to my daughter, she is unwilling to share the daughter-in-law spotlight with me. I find this childish and would like to discuss it with her. Thoughts?
FORMER WIFE
What’s to discuss? You were invited to a birthday party by the guest of honor, and you want to attend. I have little interest in secondhand reports about the opinions of other guests. Don’t chase trouble — and discourage your daughter from engaging in shuttle diplomacy here. It’s not necessary. Enjoy the party.
A Book Club With a Self-Appointed Bouncer
I joined a book club that started during the pandemic. We held meetings on Zoom. Now, we meet in person, but one member lives far away — so he still joins by Zoom. The setup takes effort, so we meet only at the home of the group’s founder, which limits opportunities for shared hosting. It also requires that we squeeze into the camera frame. Shouldn’t the distant member step aside now that we are meeting in person?
READER
It seems callous to me, frankly, to throw someone out of a book club — or to expect him to “step aside” after four or five years — simply because you want to host occasionally and can’t be bothered to set up a teleconference at your place. Teleconferencing is free and relatively easy — and preferable, by far, to being unkind to a longtime member of your book club.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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