You’ve heard of ghosting, but what about submarining?
By now, most of us know that ghosting involves cutting off communication with someone you’re dating without providing any sort of explanation. Usually, people who ghost are too self-absorbed to consider and respect the other person’s feelings in the situation. Instead, they just take the easy way out by dropping off the face of the Earth with zero warning.
Now, submarining, on the other hand, is just as, if not more, frustrating. This dating trend (if you want to call it that) involves attempting to reconnect after a period of ghosting. Basically, the person disappears for months at a time, only to return as if nothing happened.
Here’s everything you should know about this toxic dating trend.
What is submarining?
Submarining is basically a form of ghosting. However, the person who “ghosts” their partner ends up coming back after a period of time, trying to strike up a conversation.
“People may choose to resurface for a lot of reasons, but more often than not, it’s out of insecurity or boredom,” Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach and author of All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life, told MensHealth. “Maybe they just stopped seeing someone, maybe they’re sick of being trapped indoors, or maybe they just need some validation and are hoping to get it from you. Whatever the reason, it’s pretty unlikely that it’s because this person actually cares about you. It’s more likely that they want someone to talk to and make them feel good about themselves.”
I’ve had this happen to me countless times in the dating scene, though it was a bit less aggressive than actual ghosting. We’ve all had people slowly drift away after a few uninspiring dates, only to pop back up again a few months later when they’re lonely or bored.
“Submariners often crave intimacy but are terrified of the vulnerability it requires,” Dr. Wendy Walsh, PhD, a Relationship Expert at DatingAdvice and psychology professor with a PhD in Clinical Psychology, told PureWow. “Evolutionarily speaking, having ‘backup mates’ is a very common human mating strategy … A submariner wants to put somebody on the back burner so they can reach out to them later when they feel lonely.”
Not on my watch.
How to handle submarining
My advice? When someone offers you breadcrumbs—especially after starving you of any genuine connection for months—don’t bite. You’ll never feel fulfilled.
You can, however, communicate your feelings to this person—something they clearly aren’t good at doing. Perhaps like children, they will learn by example. But again, it’s not your job to teach someone how to love and respect you.
Bottom line: don’t waste too much time or energy on them. Only respond if you feel it will serve you in some way. Like, maybe you want to release your pent-up rage from their continued disrespect. I’m not above it.
And remember that it’s never personal. You’ve already grieved them for a while; just let them go and move on. You’re not missing out on anything special.
“If someone is actually into you, they don’t disappear out of nowhere,” Engle told the outlet. “If someone did just get ‘scared’ or whatever and disappeared, that’s a red flag in itself. Someone who doesn’t have enough emotional intelligence to at least send a polite text that they aren’t interested in moving forward is probably not someone you want to get serious about.”
The post ‘Submarining’ Might Actually Be Worse Than Ghosting appeared first on VICE.
