Courtesy of Veronica Booth
Ever since I was a teen, I’ve been saying I don’t want to have children. My partner and I got together when I was 20, and though I was very open about my lack of desire for kids, I never used the word “never.” I knew I was young, and that over time, people change. But as the years went on, I still didn’t feel strongly about procreating.
Six years into the relationship, he dropped a bomb: He’d been seriously thinking about it and decided he very much wanted to have kids. It was a difficult time. Whenever we told anyone about this dilemma, their response was, “You have to break up.” But that’s not what I wanted, and it’s not what he wanted, either.
I realized you don’t have to be perfect to be a parent
I wrestled with it for months. We had countless open discussions. I spoke with my therapist, my mom, and my friends who were moms. While everyone highlighted what a major commitment it was, they also quelled my fears about completely losing myself in motherhood.
If I’m going to do something, I want to excel at it. And I always felt that if you were going to have children, you were supposed to devote 110% of your life to being the best parent you could be. That was something that always held me back from wanting to be a mom; I know I am far from perfect.
I know many great parents, including mine. But I don’t know any perfect parents. Realizing that parenting is inherently an imperfect role eased many of my anxieties.
I’d been scared of having kids for so long, it took a little rewiring to see a different future. It was like I had convinced myself that not wanting children had become a core part of my personality. Once I let that go, it was much easier to imagine life with them.
Now, I can see kids in my future
Two years later, we’ve reached a mutual understanding, and I can see myself with children one day. I know we both have a lot of love to give, and I have slowly started thinking about what it would mean to give that love to a baby.
He understands that having a child won’t mean I give up writing or become a stay-at-home mom. And that’s an important comfort for me. Seeing how much responsibility he takes on with our dog reaffirms that he wouldn’t let it all fall on me.
These days, we randomly ask about each other’s thoughts on the appropriate age for ear piercings, what we think about sleepovers, and what we’d do if our child came to us and told us they were transgender at 5. So far, it seems we fall on the same side of these issues.
My brother and his wife had their first baby — my first nibling — and I think I might actually have come down with a mild case of baby fever. Now, I’m excited about the possibility of children, and we’re working toward that kind of future, financially, mentally, and geographically.
Being “ready” feels like a myth — not just about becoming a parent, but about any major shift in life.
I’m shedding the need to be overly, obnoxiously prepared for everything, and knowing that with the right people around me, my life will open up and make room for whatever comes, including a little bundle of joy.
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