Courtesy of Tim Stevensen.
I remember having a conversation with an old friend over ten years ago. He was so downcast about the challenges of parenting his 5-year-old son, that he was adamant that he didn’t want any more kids. I didn’t see where he was coming from.
At that point, I had two daughters who were 6 and 8, and a son, who was still a toddler. Although I felt like parenting was challenging, I wouldn’t have traded my kids for the world. Watching them grow made for the most meaningful parts of my life. I just wish I had been present for more of them. Maybe then, I might have understood the struggles my friend was experiencing.
I worked a lot
To ensure my family was comfortable, and the kids had everything they needed, I had to work two jobs that took up a majority of my time. Because I was so focused on growing my career, I wasn’t present for many of the important milestones in their lives. Between work, my daily routine, the constant rhythm of raising kids, and being a partner, I didn’t have much left to give them physically, or emotionally. I often got home when the kids were already in bed, and left in the mornings when they were still asleep.
My wife who stayed home with the kids would tell me about their days and how they were fairing in school, but I’ll admit that most of those conversations slipped through the cracks of my overworked brain. After putting in 20-hour shifts, I wasn’t the most attentive person in the room.
I saw my kids and tried to spend time with them on the weekends, but I also needed time to rest and recharge. It often felt like I was playing catch up with them. In hindsight, I wasn’t always tuned in the way I should have been, and now I wish I had done things differently.
The years flew by
I looked up one day and my daughters were in their late teens, my son was 12, and we all felt like strangers to each other. After years on the grind, I was slowing down because my career had flourished and I was feeling the need to reconnect with my family. My daughters were getting ready to go to prom, and acting like typical teenagers — being moody, talking back, and occasionally getting in trouble in school and with boys — and I realized I had missed out on raising them the way I had wanted to.
Over the years, my family didn’t lack for much financially, but my kids and my wife constantly expressed their desire to spend more time with me. It got to a point where they counted me out of important events because of my constant unavailability.
In recent years I have spent a lot of time convincing them that I was ready to show up, but they have been so used to my absence, that they didn’t believe I could change. My word wasn’t good enough for because I’d shown them that work had always been the priority.
I’m trying to make amends
After many candid conversations with my wife and kids, and with the benefit of a changing perspective, I see how much more I could have leaned in as a father and helped my wife raise our kids. Today, my daughters are in their 20s, and my son is a teenager, but I’m still trying to make amends. I’ve made peace with the fact that I can’t go back and do things differently, but now I’m more intentional with the time I spend with my kids together, and separately.
I missed out on so much, and I’m still learning what my kids enjoy. I try to get out of my comfort zone with my son, by playing video games, golfing, walking trails and doing things I wouldn’t otherwise do on my own. I’m also more curious with the girls, especially with things like makeup, weird skincare routines, shopping sprees, and I’m particularly keen to know anything about their dating lives. I try to show up for my kids, even if it’s listening to them talk about subjects I don’t fully understand.
Grand gestures and sweeping apologies have never worked for my children. I’ve learned that they value the little things such as a text, a walk in the park, or sharing a meal. One of the biggest shifts has been creating space for honest conversations. Sometimes they still talk about my being an absentee father, and I try to listen without being defensive, even if it hurts. Despite everything, I’m grateful that my kids still love and accept me regardless of the past. I’m parenting intentionally now and although I’m a little late to the game, I hope that my children feel seen, loved and valued.
The post I was so focused on my career that I missed important milestones in my children’s lives. Now that they’re older, I’m trying to make up for it. appeared first on Business Insider.
