In my mid-20s, just before the pandemic began, I found myself living alone and single for the first time in nearly six years. Before the breakup, my ex had been my best friend, my biggest supporter and confidant, and the person I could rely on most. He was someone I thought I would marry and start a family with, but to no fault of our own, we simply grew apart.
And now, suddenly, I was starting over.
I found myself equal parts terrified and excited for my new chapter of self-discovery. I didn’t know who I was without him, but after some time, I was ready to learn. I was ready to dive headfirst into my new life as a single 20-something.
What I didn’t realize was that dating after a long-term relationship is not as easy as settling into a comfortable routine with another person. I couldn’t—and wouldn’t—just walk outside, hit it off with some new guy, and live happily ever after.
Kudos to you if that’s your story, but mine was a lot more complicated than that.
When I first started putting myself out there after my breakup (and tons of alone time and therapy), I assumed every dater had good intentions. I believed people’s words and took them at face value. I trusted men I definitely shouldn’t have, and I gave way too much of my energy and attention to the wrong individuals.
Little did I realize, I had a lot to work through. Oftentimes, you don’t notice your fears and insecurities until you’re facing them head-on. And man, did I face them head-on.
When Should You Start Dating Again after Ending a Long-term Relationship?
Because I started dating my ex in college, right around the time when dating apps first came out, I had never created a dating profile before, nor had I ever spoken to a stranger on some random app. Imagine my surprise when I read some pretty vulgar opening lines from some dude who looked like an axe murderer, or the time some guy made my dating app picture his phone background before we’d even met in person.
What was I doing?
I learned—the hard way—that not everyone had the same intentions as I did.
Moral of the story? Don’t expect to find yourself in other people.
But I sure wasn’t perfect, either. I made the mistake of treating every first date or new relationship like it was the end-all-be-all. I wasn’t used to casual dating. My instinct was to find someone I could build a future with and rush to the finish line, craving that security I once had with my ex.
But that’s now how love works. It takes time to build something lasting and meaningful.
What helped was getting to know myself first. And often, you can do this while getting to know other people, too. Go on tons of first dates and meet different types of people. If you feel a connection with someone, explore it further, but take your time. There is no rush.
Every relationship is different, and you can’t expect to feel immediate certainty and security with someone new. Though you might be used to the long-term relationship dynamic, with its comfort and seamless integration in your personal life, you will not be able to replicate that with another person. At least, not right away.
And please, take the time to be alone. I know that’s a cliche, and I hated hearing that after my relationship, too. This doesn’t mean you have to wait a certain number of months or years, but at least wait until you feel ready. (And be honest with yourself about your readiness.)
If used properly, the time after a long-term relationship breakup can be the most healing, emotionally empowering, and life-changing moments you get.
The post When Should You Start Dating Again After a Breakup? appeared first on VICE.
