Courtesy of Rachel Garlinghouse.
My husband and I adopted four children within a span of seven years. I distinctly remember the day my oldest turned nine months old. I was rocking her in her nursery when it dawned on me that she had been with me for as long as she had been with her first mother.
This revelation brought me to tears. I have nothing but love and respect for each of my children’s first mothers, also known as their birth mothers. In fact, we have open adoptions with each birth family, to varying degrees, which makes Mother’s Day even more special for us.
An open adoption can look many different ways
Open adoptions can vary when it comes to how much contact the adoptive and birth family have with one another. Possibilities include video chats, texting, social media contact, e-mail, snail mail, communication through the adoption agency or lawyer, and even visits. The openness can ebb and flow.
Just like in any relationship, healthy boundaries and clear, mutual expectations are important. I’ve found that a lot of open adoptions are “live and learn” type situations. We fail at getting it right sometimes, so humility and grace are incredibly important. Over the years I’ve learned that the glue that holds us together is our mutual love for our child and for one another.
As an adoptive mother, I don’t feel the need to compete with my children’s first mothers. I also reject anyone who tries to put me on a pedestal for adopting my kids. Especially when my kids were younger, strangers would approach us and tell my kids they were “so lucky” to have been adopted by “such good and loving parents.” I have also been thanked for “adopting children in need.” Every time, I correct strangers, saying we, the parents, are the lucky ones. After all, we get the honor of being their second and adoptive family.
My kids’ first mothers are dear to me
I do not tolerate any disrespect of my children’s first families, including their mothers. Their stories are sacred to me, and the reasons my children were placed for adoption are not for public consumption. Their first mothers’ identities and personal information are held private, not out of shame or embarrassment, but out of respect. These women birthed my children, and their DNA runs through my children’s veins.
A common misconception is that my children are confused because they have access to communication with their first mothers. This is completely untrue. We feel that we empower our kids by giving them the information and access they are entitled to. After all, my children didn’t decide to be placed for adoption.
The reality is that they have two families, and both of these families matter. There is no place in our home for secrecy, because secrecy breeds shame. We have talked to our kids openly about their adoptions and first families since they were placed in our arms.
Mother’s Day is extra special for us
Each year in May, we selected greeting cards to send our children’s first mothers for Mother’s Day. I let each kid choose the card and decide if they wish to sign it, or if the card will be just from me, mother to mother. I respect that adoption is quite complex, and my kids aren’t forced to have motherly vibes just because there’s a holiday. However my kids feel on Mother’s Day is entirely valid.
I don’t mind sharing the day with my children’s first mothers. After all, I chose to adopt, and the kids’ first moms chose me to be our child’s second, adoptive mother. There is room for all mothers — and those who mother — on Mother’s Day. My kids are being raised in an inclusive home where both their moms are honored and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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