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A Weekly Work Sleepover?
I really need advice, other than that which ChatGPT has already provided.
My supervisor’s husband recently got a job at a university a two-hour drive from ours. They are moving to be close to his job and she has asked and received approval to be hybrid in her position. She informed me that she will come to work a couple of days per week and plans to stay with me overnight so she doesn’t have to commute.
I felt compelled to agree at the moment, because SHE IS MY BOSS. But the more I think about this, the more uncomfortable I feel. She even demanded a key to my place shortly after she told me that she would be staying with me. This feels like a gross abuse of power and invasion of privacy. She also thinks that we are best friends and says this frequently during the workweek. I just smile in return. I DO NOT think we are best friends. She is my boss, and, honestly, not someone I would like to host in my home during the workweek. I consider this a form of bringing my work home. She is a very loud person and I am introverted. I need my time at home alone to decompress and re-energize after the workday, which tends to be loud and chaotic, largely because she is constantly talking very loudly in our shared office space.
She and her husband are moving this weekend, and she plans to start staying at my place as soon as next week at least two nights per week. I am deeply uncomfortable with this and feel coerced into it, but am worried about hurting her feelings or inviting professional repercussions if I say no, especially since she repeatedly emphasizes our friendship over our supervisor/employee relationship. She also has not offered to compensate me in any way to stay at my place, even though that would make no difference in my feelings about this. I don’t know how to tell her this in a way that won’t feel like a rejection of the way she views our relationship.
— Anonymous
Oh my god, what? When your question arrived in my inbox, I immediately sent it to my editor and we agreed that it had to make it into this week’s Work Friend column.
But where do I begin? There’s so much wrong here.
There’s the “informing” you that this is something that is going to happen, and the “demanding” of a key.
The expectation that you go along with all this.
The assumption that the two of you are best friends.
It “feels” like a gross abuse of power? It IS a gross abuse of power! But it doesn’t have to be an invasion of privacy. You can say “absolutely not.” Or, at the very least, “no.”
“I don’t know how to tell her this in a way that won’t feel like a rejection of the way she views our relationship,” you write.
This is your opening. You say that because your friendship with her means a lot to you (nothing wrong with a little white lie) you do not want to jeopardize this relationship. You need to keep work and home life separate, you can say. You need space and privacy and she will need to make other arrangements.
If she protests? You stick to your guns and continue to say “no.” If she tries to bargain? You say “no.” If she gets pouty or petulant or angry? You say “no.” And you do all this as kindly and as firmly as possible, and as many times as needed. It’s the broken record tactic and it’s effective. At a certain point, the other person has to give up.
Listen, I understand that you don’t want to hurt her feelings (something you can’t control, by the way) and I understand your fear of incurring professional repercussions, but you cannot allow this to happen.
Even if it’s already happened. (You say that this is supposed to take place in a matter of weeks, if not sooner.) If this is the case, you must tell your boss that you’ve changed your mind about having her stay over and that she’ll have to make other arrangements.
You are allowed to say “no.”
And you are allowed to say “no” after the fact.
Let me repeat. You are allowed to say “no” after the fact.
It’s interesting that you consulted ChatGPT. More and more of my friends are doing the same thing for advice. I put your exact query, word for word, into the application to see what it would have to say. I wasn’t impressed. The A.I. made all the right points — stressing the importance of maintaining professional boundaries and being aware of power dynamics — but these are things you already know. It also suggested that you offer alternatives “like suggesting a hotel or a nearby rental.” But this is unhelpful. Not only does it suggest that this is your problem to solve, it assumes that, in addition to your boss being unprofessional, she is also stupid. Which might only add fuel to the fire. I mean, this conversation is going to be hard enough as it is.
Is Someone Else’s Scrolling My Problem?
I work as an administrator in a small firm with two bosses, several partners, and just a few administrators. Our newest administrator has been with us less than a year. The firm allows for flexible work time, and the new admin and I usually work as late as 6:30 (the bosses and the head administrator usually leave around 5 p.m.).
I’ve noticed, when left working late with our new admin, that she frequently spends that time on her phone, not working. It is extremely frustrating, as I have a huge workload and wasting time like that is unthinkable to me. But I don’t know what to do about it — I’m not in a supervisory role to this co-worker, so I tell myself just to do my own work and keep my nose clean.
I think the standard advice would be to let the bosses discover this on their own — but they are rarely there to observe the behavior. Tattling on this co-worker seems childish, but I don’t know if speaking to her directly is wise, either. What should I do?
— Anonymous
“I’m not in a supervisory role to this co-worker, so I tell myself just to do my own work and keep my nose clean,” you write. You’ve already answered your own question. You have to stay out of it.
There’s nothing good that can come from your speaking to a supervisor or directly to the co-worker. For one thing, you have no idea whether the time this colleague spends on her phone is affecting her work product or output, meaning that you don’t know whether or not she is indeed “wasting” time.
Second, it’s none of your business what your co-worker does with her time unless it’s directly affecting your ability to do your job. (It doesn’t sound like it is.) So focus on your own accomplishments and what you’re good at and try to let go of your frustration, if even a little bit. If she’s falling down on the job, the administrators and bosses will get hip to it, eventually. Not that that’s your business, either.
Anna Holmes is the Work Friend columnist for The Times. She is a writer and editor and the founder of the website Jezebel.
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