Experiencing doubt within a relationship can feel uncomfortable, but it’s not always an indication of a deeper issue. In fact, I think it’s healthy to experience doubt from time to time.
Many people will tell you they’ve “never” doubted their partner or relationship, not for one second.
To which I’d say, good for you. But that’s not the norm, nor is it necessarily a positive thing.
Here’s why.
What Having Doubts Means for Your Relationship
Think about it like this: how many times have you doubted yourself? How many times have you questioned your career path or your future goals, or even your friend group?
Doubt can actually be a driving force behind growth and a form of protection against perceived risks. For example, if you’re doubting yourself before a job interview, it’s usually because you’re afraid of embarrassing yourself or not getting the job. The threat of failure is uncomfortable and scary, and you’re trying to protect yourself from it.
You might even realize that some of your doubts aren’t even yourself to begin with. For example, if you grew up in a highly critical environment, perhaps you picked up nitpicky behaviors that made you overanalyze everyone around you, yourself included. Maybe you’re prone to overthinking and don’t feel “sure” of something until there is 100% certainty and proof.
In the context of a relationship, you might experience doubts about whether you’re compatible with your partner, whether you share the same future goals and timeline, and even whether they’re “the one.”
Reading that might make you feel uncomfortable, but again, these doubts, though often demonized, can be normal.
While some people are sure of what they want and have unwavering confidence in themselves and their choices, not everyone operates that way.
I’ve written before about my experience with relationship-OCD and how that’s impacted my love life. For me, these relationship doubts have plagued me so intensely that, before therapy, I sabotaged healthy connections simply because I felt guilty for experiencing uncertainty in the first place. I thought that meant I didn’t actually love the person or that we weren’t meant to. I listened to too many couples (many of whom were unhappy) who’d say things like, “When you know, you know,” and “I knew I’d marry them on the first date.”
That sentiment might seem sweet, but…I’m a little more practical than that. My brain isn’t so easily convinced.
For me, the solution was not ridding myself of doubt altogether, but rather accepting and exploring it.
Communicating your doubts
With all the above being said, just because doubts are normal doesn’t mean you should ignore them. Discussing your doubts with your partner can actually help you better understand and connect with each other.
For example, maybe you’re worried that you and your partner’s timelines don’t align. Perhaps you’re settled in your career and looking to marry and start a family, while your partner is just now launching their dream business. In this case, it’d be wild not to question where the relationship is heading. This warrants a conversation to ensure you’re both on the same page and willing to compromise.
On the other hand, maybe you grew up with parents who were emotionally unavailable. Now, any time your partner is busy or requests some alone time, that childhood wound starts to bleed. You begin to doubt whether your partner loves you or is healthy for you. Opening up to your partner and talking things through can easily settle these doubts and reassure you.
Now, I’m not saying some doubts don’t point to the end of a relationship. Oftentimes, they really do allude to a larger issue that can’t be resolved. But in those cases, the danger does not lie in the doubt itself, but rather in the relationship you share with the person.
Point being? The right connection can withstand doubt.
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