I’ve been going to a hairstylist who promotes his all-natural, organic dye as healthy for hair. I never questioned it, until at my most recent visit he dyed my hair the wrong color. When I asked him to fix it, he made it even worse, turning my hair a deep mahogany instead of the golden copper I requested. For two weeks he repeatedly insisted, via text, that he had done it correctly, and that I didn’t know what I wanted. His rude, angry responses made me too uncomfortable to ever return. Frustrated, I researched the dye brand he used and was horrified to learn that its key ingredient, ethanolamine, is potentially more damaging to hair than ammonia, and I’ve read that it could be carcinogenic.
Now I’m torn. My hairstylist refunded my money, and I sympathize with him as a small-business owner, but I also feel compelled to warn people that his “healthy” dye may not be as safe as he claims. Am I obligated to speak up, or should customers be responsible for doing their own research? Would posting a negative review protect others or punish him by potentially putting his small business at risk? What’s the right thing to do? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
I understand why you’re feeling torn. You don’t want to jeopardize someone’s livelihood over a disappointing experience, but you also feel a responsibility to speak up if others might be misled. Two key questions are whether your stylist knowingly misrepresented the product and whether it really poses health risks.
It’s entirely possible he genuinely believed what he was saying. Companies often use carefully crafted language to make their dyes sound especially “natural.” Naturtint, for example, highlights its U.S.D.A. BioPreferred certification and touts “botanical-inspired formulas.” Aveda describes its hair-color line as “vegan.” Both brands still contain industrially synthesized chemicals. (Yes, chemists classify most carbon-containing compounds as “organic,” but that’s not how marketers use the term.) Your stylist may simply be parroting what the product reps told him.
When it comes to safety, precision matters. Ethanolamine-based dyes may not be as gentle as their marketing suggests — some studies do indicate they can weaken hair more than ammonia does. Still, they’re far less harsh than the all-natural potash or slaked lime our ancestors once used. Like ammonia, ethanolamine helps open the hair cuticle so color can penetrate. It’s also a normal product of our body’s metabolism, though it’s industrially produced for commercial use. While it shouldn’t be combined with substances that can form harmful nitrosamines — a risk reputable brands are careful to avoid — ethanolamine is not classified as a carcinogen.
Which brings us to your dilemma. If you do write a review, focusing on your personal experience — the color errors and how the stylist responded — would be the fairest and most helpful approach. There’s no clear legal definition of “natural” for cosmetic products; the status of ethanolamine is complicated; and unless you feel confident explaining it clearly, it may not be the most relevant detail to include.
Your intentions matter. If your goal is to help others make informed decisions, a measured, honest review is completely appropriate. But if it’s more about venting frustration, it might be worth taking a step back. Either way, fairness and accuracy should be your guide — misleading claims, whether from stylists or clients, don’t serve anyone well.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a man in an open marriage. He wrote: “I’m a man who’s been with my husband for over 35 years. Some 12 years ago, I began a second relationship with another man. I didn’t seek it out, but it has deeply enriched my life. … My struggle: My second partner hasn’t told his husband about the nature of our relationship. They have an open arrangement, but the depth and specifics of ours haven’t been revealed. That makes me uncomfortable. Friends say I’m not responsible for his honesty, but do I have a moral obligation to a man I don’t know?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “Your partner may be breaching his marriage’s agreement, particularly if your connection with him has deepened beyond the permitted scope. Yet by your account, your relationship poses no real threat to his marriage, given that neither of you envisions the relationship superseding his primary commitment. My sense is that their private understanding remains opaque to you; it certainly isn’t for you to reshape to your liking. … Should this ambiguity trouble you, you might share your concerns with your nonmarital partner and encourage him to tell his husband about you. If he declines, you can decide whether you want to continue the relationship under these circumstances. But meddling in their marriage would be crossing a line.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I agree with the Ethicist’s response. The letter writer has an ethical concern that he wants to resolve. How does this affect the relationship with his boyfriend? Is there a fear this relationship will soon be found out and in jeopardy? Sharing his concerns with the boyfriend brings them to the surface, and then the letter writer can decide the next step. — Joanne
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In my view, the Ethicist omitted a major consideration, namely, what the apparent reluctance of the letter writer’s boyfriend to be honest with his husband might mean for the relationship that the two boyfriends have. To what extent does the writer himself have doubts about the relationship he has with a person who is not open and honest with his husband? — Jack
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I think the letter writer so values his second relationship that he wants to meddle in his boyfriend’s marriage. That isn’t how you treat someone who has meant so much to you over so many years. It seems like his ego is bruised and he wants revenge. — Ron
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The unasked question: What’s changed? The letter writer states his second “deep” relationship has been going on for 12 years. Why is that boyfriend’s spouse suddenly an issue? What’s the sudden urgency to tell the other husband? Especially since there’s a good chance it could derail that marriage. The letter writer has a casual albeit long-term affair going on. That doesn’t come with a license to interfere with the other’s personal life. — Emme
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If the married man dating another married man for 12 years — 12 years! — is suddenly and belatedly in an ethical quandary because his boyfriend kept his own husband in the dark … well, I’d say the letter writer appears to be looking for trouble. — Robert
Kwame Anthony Appiah is The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist and teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. To submit a query, send an email to [email protected].
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