I’m a man who’s been with my husband for over 35 years. Some 12 years ago, I began a second relationship with another man. I didn’t seek it out, but it has deeply enriched my life. I’ve been open with my husband, and this honesty led to our own understanding about boundaries — what some call ethical nonmonogamy.
My struggle: My second partner hasn’t told his husband about the nature of our relationship. They have an open arrangement, but the depth and specifics of ours haven’t been revealed. That makes me uncomfortable. Friends say I’m not responsible for his honesty, but do I have a moral obligation to a man I don’t know? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Being in an “open relationship” can mean many different things. Setting aside health protocols, it might require disclosure of all sexual relationships, or it might grant broad latitude for physical intimacy with others, provided these connections remain casual and don’t threaten the primary bond. Your partner may be breaching his marriage’s agreement, particularly if your connection with him has deepened beyond the permitted scope. Yet by your account, your relationship poses no real threat to his marriage, given that neither of you envisions the relationship superseding his primary commitment. My sense is that their private understanding remains opaque to you; it certainly isn’t for you to reshape to your liking. Your own promises bind you to your husband alone. Should this ambiguity trouble you, you might share your concerns with your nonmarital partner and encourage him to tell his husband about you. If he declines, you can decide whether you want to continue the relationship under these circumstances. But meddling in their marriage would be crossing a line.
A Bonus Question
My wife and I bought a home in Altadena, Calif., in March 2024. This winter, the home burned down in the Eaton fire. It was a devastating tragedy for our family. The other day, I received an invoice from a pest-control contractor who sprayed our house for termites over a year ago, back in March 2024. I am generally very diligent about paying my bills on time and was initially puzzled. Eventually I concluded that I had never been invoiced for the work. I vaguely remember asking the company for an invoice right after the extermination work was done and then taking the bill off my to-do list, assuming I would pay it when they sent an invoice. That was over a year ago.
Now, a year and a destroyed home later, we received the invoice from the pest-control company. I communicated with the business owner about our situation. She was apologetic about her failure to send an invoice in a timely manner (and expressed condolences for the loss of our house), but her position was that we were still obligated to pay for the service that was rendered. I tend, begrudgingly, to agree. My wife vehemently disagrees and feels the company is perhaps entitled to charge us a nominal amount for the labor they expended (she thinks $200), if they charge us anything at all. For further context, the company also initially made a mistake in the amount they invoiced ($4,600) and then later admitted the actual amount they were supposed to have invoiced was $2,000. This is a fact that further attests to the company’s incompetence, but, in my opinion, doesn’t have any bearing on either party’s rights or responsibilities. What should we do in this situation? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Your position is wonderfully straightforward: You received a service, and payment for services rendered is a basic responsibility, however delinquent the invoice may have been. What I understand to be your spouse’s position is more complicated. The pest-control company was derelict in its own responsibilities by failing to send its invoice in a timely manner; the fact that it initially exaggerated the amount that you owed indicated a further lapse in professionalism. And now, as you’re struggling with the devastating loss of your home, you’re suddenly facing a bill you weren’t expecting. This means the contractor’s carelessness has left you worse off. I wonder if a compromise could be negotiated — one that acknowledges both your duty to pay for the service and the company’s own missteps, along with your present hardship. You might offer to pay the correct invoice amount but request that, under the circumstances, a reasonable reduction be granted.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader frustrated by a disabled woman’s presence on the pickleball court at his gym. He wrote: “I’m part of a dedicated pickleball group that meets twice a week at 6 a.m. for two hours at a local gym. … The gym advertises this time as ‘open play,’ meaning anyone of any skill level can sign in and play. But in reality, that level is high. Our group’s challenge is the presence of one woman who is kind and well-meaning, but whose skill level is far below the rest of us. It’s not about her age or gender — she appears to have a neurological deficit affecting her reaction time. No one wants to exclude her, but we struggle to enjoy competitive play when she’s on the court. … Would it be kinder to gently suggest she join a less competitive pickleball session, rather than our continuing to accommodate her with quiet frustration?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “You say that you may be dealing with someone who has a neurological deficit. Encouraging people with disabilities to participate as widely as possible in social life should be one of the goals of a decent society. Sometimes this will require patience. … It sounds as if your group isn’t engaged in an ‘open play’ session — you’ve formed an unofficial competitive club with an implicit skill requirement. … Playing this sort of game with people of different levels of ability is itself a kind of challenge — and amateur sports are about mastering challenges while having a good time.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
⬥
As a pickleball player who is sometimes frustrated by the presence of weaker players, I can empathize with the writer. However, it’s an open-play court, so the disabled woman should be welcomed without condition. It’s the writer who should find a different court that more closely aligns with his group’s priorities. Alternatively, he can look at this as an opportunity to practice his own playing strategies and skills in a less competitive game. — Dennis
⬥
The Ethicist’s response made my day. I was also a weak pickleball player; I loved playing, but felt the resentment by “better” players at open sessions. They made me feel so poorly about myself. Many would just refuse to play with me. It was so wrong and humiliating. And I’m not even disabled, just not very athletic in team sports. — Christine
⬥
I work in disability services. That someone would pose this question floored me, but I’m glad the letter writer did. I hope he will heed the Ethicist’s advice. I would also counsel that pressuring someone to leave a group based on disability, or perceived disability, is not only unethical, it is likely illegal. If the gym found out, the member pressuring the disabled player could be expelled, or the gym could face a lawsuit. — Roberto
⬥
I’m on the board of our local pickleball club, and 90 percent of our time is spent dealing with people like this letter writer. Open play is open play. Part of the spirit of pickleball is its inclusiveness. The main rule of open play is you play at the level of the weakest player. This group of players might be superior, but they are not morally superior. — Lane
⬥
Personally, when dealing with something like this, I find it helpful to imagine myself at the end of my life. How would I want to be remembered? As a person who helped pressure someone with a disability out of a likely meaningful social experience because it got in the way of my competitive drive? Or as a person who was welcoming and adaptable? The challenge, for all of us, is to live our way into the better answer. — Carla
Kwame Anthony Appiah is The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist and teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. To submit a query, send an email to [email protected].
The post My Boyfriend Has a Husband. Should I Tell Him About Us? appeared first on New York Times.
