There are many rites of passage when a child leaves home to go to college — getting them packed up and ready to go, the big move-in day and, of course, the age-old question of what you’ll do with their bedroom once they’re gone. Whether you’re leaving it be or turning the space into a home office, guest room, gym or flex space, there will probably be decluttering and cleaning involved.
“Once a young adult leaves, the whole house shifts, and that shift is filled with opportunity,” says Regina Lark, a professional organizer and founder of the organizing company A Clear Path.
Decluttering and organizing can be hard under the best of circumstances, but when combined with how fraught sending a child off to college can be, it can turn into a whirlwind of emotions, and possibly even tantrums. Experts say using these strategies can help you to get the job done with minimal tears — or tantrums.
Define the ‘why?’
“Home is where you live, not store stuff,” says Tyler Moore, the author of Tidy Up Your Life. “Before you even start decluttering, it’s really important to name the why, because it’s so personal to each family and situation.”
Moore suggests asking these questions to clarify goals: Are you decluttering your child’s bedroom to transform it into a new space? Do you want to give your child a clear sense of their belongings? Do you just desperately want the room to not look like a tornado went through it? The answers will help you create a game plan.
Get rid of trash, but don’t trash your kids’ belongings
Lisa Heffernan and Mary Dell Harrington, co-founders of Grown and Flown, surveyed the 300,000 members of their Facebook group and found that after a child had gone to college and vacated their bedroom, most parents simply threw out trash, picked up anything left on the floor, and washed the sheets. “Most people felt strongly that it was not right for parents to unilaterally declutter and get rid of things that belong to their college students,” Heffernan and Harrington wrote in an email.
Lark encourages parents to involve kids in the process. “First, it’s their stuff, and there’s a clear line here,” she says. “Anything that belongs to your kid — clothing, collections, mementos, gifts, journals and keepsakes — requires their involvement. Full stop. Parents do not get to decide that a child’s things are disposable just because the child is no longer living under the same roof.”
Shared household items, however, are fair game, including “duplicates that were never the child’s to begin with, anything the family collectively used and has genuinely outgrown, school supplies, expired medications or furniture that was always the family’s,” she adds.
Respect the level of involvement your kids want to have
Everyone has a different relationship to their stuff, and that includes teenagers — some care a lot and will want to be involved in every decision, and some won’t.
“If your teen is an organizer by nature this might happen,” Heffernan and Harrington wrote. “But don’t be discouraged if they aren’t decluttering this summer. They are balancing the emotional aspects of leaving home while preparing for all the unknowns of college.”
If summer passes without any decluttering, technology offers an easy way to involve your child once they’re gone. “For kids who are remote, a simple photo review via text or video call works. You photograph items, they respond ‘keep, donate or trash.’ It’s faster than anyone expects,” Lark says.
Don’t rush it
“There’s no rule that says the room has to be cleared the week after drop-off,” Lark says. “Give yourself permission to let it sit for a month.” The emotional detachment that comes with time will ease the process.
“As students become more attached with their college things, and less sentimental about their once-prized high school possessions, it will be easier for them to declutter,” Harrington and Hefferman say. Moore agrees: “Give yourself permission to not fully complete these projects before the kids leave for college,” he says. “There is time, and there’s a huge difference between a kid leaving for their freshman year of college compared with their senior year.”
Ditch the sippy cups and don’t look back
The process of decluttering as an empty nester can be emotional and overwhelming, but there are ways to manage all those feelings.
“Not all decluttering tasks are emotionally charged,” Moore says. “Start with categories where you don’t feel that there are many emotions at stake. If you go straight for decluttering childhood items it’s going to be a complete nonstarter.”
Working through your child’s stuff gradually allows you to hone your decision-making skills, motivating you to keep going. While the bedroom is the obvious starting point, parents should think beyond it. After weeding out duplicates such as extra bedding, towels and toiletries, “move over to the kitchen,” Lark says. “In the pantry, lose the sugared cereal and snacks you don’t need. Check the cupboards and finally ditch the sippy cups.”
Take stock of ‘space-eaters’ and keep only the best
Equipment from sports and activities your child no longer participates in, school projects and art, trophies and clothing that wasn’t donated between growth spurts — that’s what Lark calls “space-eaters.” Keep the best and remove the rest.
Keep the memories, lose the stuff
Keeping only the best applies to sentimental items, too. “Rather than keeping everything or keeping nothing, choose one or two items that genuinely represent this season of your child’s life. Quality over quantity applies to the nostalgic stuff,” Lark says. “For items you’re releasing, photograph them before they go. A digital album of your child’s childhood artwork, trophies, badges or certificates honors the memory without requiring the square footage.”
Set boundaries around what you’re willing to store
When a child is no longer a permanent resident in your home, you should feel emboldened about what you want to do with the real estate. “So often we think about our homes as being fixed,” Moore says, “when the reality is it’s fluid and it changes based upon our season of life and the decisions that we make.”
In practical terms, that may mean setting limits on how much of your child’s stuff you’re willing to store. “Make storage options specific and measurable by defining the space,” Lark says, such as designating one shelf in the closet and two bins in the garage, “then let your kid make decisions within that space.” Setting a deadline, such as offering to store the items for one year before donating, can also help. “This takes the pressure off and gives everyone a clear agreement rather than a conflict waiting to happen.”
Give them a financial incentive to part with their things
To ease the pain of downsizing, Harrington and Hefferman suggest giving kids a financial incentive such as checking Facebook marketplace or consignment sites ThredUp or Poshmark to see whether any of their things might have some value if sold.
Acknowledge and manage your complicated emotions
“The grief of decluttering a child’s room is real,” Lark says. “It’s not about the stuff. It’s about the stage of life the stuff represents. I always tell clients you are not throwing away your child — you are making room for the next chapter, theirs and yours.”
Be gentle with yourself if you need to delay the task while emotions settle down. “It’s okay to say to yourself, ‘I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to confront a childhood of items.’ Decluttering is about choosing what to keep, and what to move out, while honoring the current season of life that you’re in,” Moore says.
If you find that your emotions have become debilitating, help is available. “If the process feels paralyzing, that’s worth paying attention to,” Lark says. “A professional organizer or a mental health therapist can help you move through it rather than around it.”
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