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A Frustrating NDA
Late last year I left my job with nothing lined up due to an incredibly toxic boss. The situation was bad enough, and easy enough to show evidence of, that I was given a generous severance, in return for which I had to sign an NDA agreeing not to “disparage” my former workplace. I easily landed a new job in the same field in the same city after taking an intentional break for a few months, but now have to tangle with how to explain my sudden departure and employment gap. This is a relatively small and interconnected community, and I still work in the close orbit of my former workplace. I was not there for very long, uncharacteristic for me, and have been in this field for over 15 years, so I have a large network, many of whom have been reaching out to connect with me in my new role.
I’m struggling with how to explain this transition. I legally cannot be fully honest and disclose my misgivings about my former workplace and especially my former boss and how my particular situation was handled by the leaders, but I also don’t want to come off as flighty, as getting a reputation as someone who changes jobs a lot would not be good for my future. I remain worried that my former boss will try to retaliate against me, as they did while I was under their employ. My new position, which I am VERY happy in, is technically a step down in title, which I fear makes the optics bad, even if the reality is that the actual responsibilities and growth potential are greater.
In essence, I wonder if there is a way to subtly communicate the fact that I was leaving a bad situation without explicitly saying so. Is there such professionally coded language? I tend to be a very direct communicator, so this kind of discreet and politic language is not my strong suit.
P.S. The NDA did include the legally required language that I cannot be prevented from speaking honestly about my workplace in the event that I am specifically asked about the conditions of employment.
— Anonymous
This is a complicated question with a relatively simple answer: Just tell people, if they ask, that your former job was not the right fit for you.
People take breaks in between jobs all the time, often for personal reasons, and you won’t raise eyebrows if you explain the pause in your employment that way.
You may also want to use this as an opportunity to convey your excitement about your new job. This keeps things focused on the present, not the past, and helps explain why you took, as you put it, a “step down” in terms of title. Talk up your new company; communicate how happy you are, and why you’re grateful for your current gig.
If pressed by people on the reasons for your departure from your previous job, you can repeat that the job was not the right fit for you and that as part of your departure package you agreed not to talk about your time there.
But ultimately, you’re just going to have to be OK with people wondering — if they wonder, that is — why you left your previous job. It’s part of being in the work force. It is what it is.
The Co-Worker I Can’t Stand
I work closely with a colleague on a major project every year, and we need to collaborate daily throughout its duration. Normally, I’m confident in my ability to connect with others and get along with people of all personalities. However, this individual has me stumped. He has a formal, almost old-fashioned way of speaking, despite being almost 20 years younger than me.
This is not a problem, but I mention it to provide more context to the two aspects of his personality that I do have trouble with. He tends to be overly obsequious toward me, which is a trait I’ve never been able to tolerate. On top of that, he can often come across as patronizing. I’m at a loss to determine if this is based on my age or my gender, or both. Although I’ve made efforts to overlook these behaviors, I’m struggling to move past them. I’ve managed this project for several years and typically enjoy it, but he was specifically hired to work with me on this assignment. His work is solid, but I dread being in his company. I’m hoping you might have some tips for handling this situation more effectively.
— Anonymous
You’re never going to know whether your colleague’s attitude is about age or gender or something else. And you certainly can’t ask him. So you need to let that part go. And you need to at least try to let go of the other part as well — the colleague’s overall comportment.
I mean, I get it. Obsequiousness can be cringe-inducing, coming across as cloying or smarmy and even, as you say, patronizing. It’s challenging to be in the presence of, and makes some of us want to rip our hair out. But there’s nothing you can do. You can’t in good faith have your colleague moved off the project — his work is solid, you say — and, besides, a person’s communication style, unless it’s truly toxic or offensive, does not justify speaking with H.R. about it. (What I can’t tell is whether or not this colleague is a peer or an employee over whom you wield power or influence. Though it doesn’t matter. My advice would be the same.)
The question that remains, I suppose, is whether you can say something directly to him. Or whether you should. I don’t think you can, and I don’t think you should. Though you may feel a temporary reprieve from your irritation, addressing him about his way of speaking will only make things more difficult for you in the long run. (I get the sense that this project is not ending anytime soon.)
So I hate to say it, but you’re just going to have to hold your nose. Try to tolerate the situation as much as you’re able, and maybe try to come up with some strategies to better limit your direct interactions or mitigate your extreme irritation. For example: Might you be able to work with this individual over email or Slack instead of in person? Maybe you can make a list of this person’s positive attributes, something you can refer to when the going gets really tough with him.
Listen, work isn’t always fun and easy, and neither are our co-workers. And some of work culture involves putting aside our feelings and annoyances about those co-workers as much as possible. This is what you’re going to have to do here. It may not be fun, it may not be easy, but it’s necessary. Not to sound patronizing, of course.
Anna Holmes is the Work Friend columnist for The Times. She is a writer and editor and the founder of the website Jezebel.
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