My husband is 23 years older than me. I worry he won’t live to see our kids graduate and become adults.

When our children get married, he might not be here.

When our children become parents, he might not be here.

We may not get to travel the world together in our golden years.

That’s the sad reality that I don’t like to talk about when it comes to being married to someone 23 years my senior.

My husband is 59, he will be 60 in August. I’m 36. We have a 6-year-old daughter and an 18-month-old son.

I try to block out the painful “might nots” that I don’t want to think about, but as I witness my husband getting older, it’s getting harder and harder to not think about.

I was meant to be with my husband

I’m Italian American and my husband is Italian. We met in the same small town we live in now, Guardia Sanframondi. It was like a love story come true.

Even with all of our flaws and and passionate fights, I feel my husband and I were meant for each other.

We had a whirlwind romance. After a year, we moved in together, got engaged six months later, married a month after that, and got pregnant within a year of marrying.

Sometimes I wish we’d had more time for ourselves as a couple before having kids, but the reality is that because my husband is already so much older, I didn’t want him to become a dad at an even older age.

I sometimes get scared when I think about the future

I don’t know what the future will look like — if we’ll get a chance to grow old together or enjoy being grandparents. As I type this, I have to wipe away tears because the thought is too painful.

Sometimes, I wonder if I have been selfish to do this. To have a family with someone so much older.

I sometimes feel guilty as though my choice wasn’t fair to our kids. That said, they’re the best thing that ever happened to us and that will never change.

I try to remind myself that nothing is guaranteed. People only have the time they have, whether they’re young or old. Nothing is promised. However, that doesn’t make it any easier.

The risk of it all sometimes puts me under added pressure because I worry that sooner rather than later, I may become a single parent and have to face the financial concerns that come with that.

I’m lucky that we own our house and the cost of living is low where we live in Italy. However, I work hard now to help ensure that money will never be a concern for me or my kids.

Sometimes, my husband tells me I should cut back on work and not take on so many clients, but I want to know that anything my kids want and need, they will have.

I wonder if my kids will be mad when they’re old enough to understand

My kids don’t see their dad as old. They’re still young enough to just see him as their dad: the man who makes them yummy lunches, takes them to school and the park, and helps them with their homework.

When they get older, though, so will he, and his age will become more evident.

Will it bother them? Will they be mad about having an old dad?

I don’t know.

All I know is what’s right in front of me. We all enjoy the time we have together, as a family and as a couple — right now, in the present.

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