Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
No one is safe from U.S. President and toddler-in-chief Donald Trump’s tariff fury, not even penguins living in Heard Island and McDonald Islands. Which, let’s be honest, we all thought was a made-up place, added by Trump’s staffers to the gigantic cardboard charts to confuse journalists. If there ever was a country that we’d all assume Donny the Menace would spare from financial doom, it’s the one named after his favorite restaurant.
But apparently, that luxury is only granted to the U.S.’s truest friends and allies: Russia and North Korea.
The EU was one of the president’s initial targets, one that he called out during his Rose Garden speech for being “very tough traders” and “pathetic.” Say what you will about Donny, but he is a real master of the left-handed compliment.
As soon as the news broke, all eyes in Brussels turned to Commission President and Queen of European Trade Ursula Von der Leyen, who promptly responded that … she would speak the next day. EU citizens and businesses felt very reassured.
The following morning, the whole continent (more or less) was glued to their screens, phones or carrier pigeons of choice to hear what she had to say. Will the EU go for a tit-for-tat approach? Or will they offer something to calm Donny down? Is VDL going to panican or panican’t?
Queen Ursula quieted the masses’ biggest fears by finally giving a straightforward and precise response: The bloc was (insert pause for dramatic effect) “prepared to respond.” It does not get any clearer than that.
After a few days, the perpetually undecided and fearfully bureaucratic von der Leyen tried yet another tactic: She went from preparing to respond to responding (maybe), offering first a carrot to the White House and proposing to remove all industrial tariffs on exports to the U.S., and then a stick in the form of retaliatory tariffs. Now, the whole thing is on hold for 90 days.
No one can tell what, if anything, will happen next. What we can say for sure is that — if we know our politicians — any final decision will take a while and probably won’t be final at all.
But if Her Majesty Queen Ursula is looking for advice, the answer is simple. Donny’s true intentions always lie in his ‘Truths’: “Don’t be Weak! Don’t be Stupid! Don’t be a PANICAN,” and things will be just fine.
CAPTION COMPETITION
“The new Président de la République française? C’est moi!”
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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.
“And here we place the club house of the ‘Riviera of the Arctic Golf Club.’”by Gregor Pozniak
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