When my kids were younger, I felt like I knew what I was doing. I knew what I had to teach them, how to discipline them, and how to keep them safe.
Those little kids have grown into three teenagers, and now I’m at a loss. As a single mother, I don’t know how to properly parent teenagers; it’s something I’ve clearly never done before.
I sometimes want to tell them: I’ve got no clue about trigonometry, why Jessica isn’t talking to you today, or how to improve your “Snapstreak.”
While I continue to make it up as I go along and hopefully not cause any permanent damage along the way, there are a few things I’ve learned from trial and error.
I’m trying to be more like a coach and less like a manager
When my kids were younger, I took the rules-based approach to parenting. I taught my kids how they must treat other people, how they must engage with their education, and how they must contribute to our family and community. These were easy rules to model and teach.
But the rule-based parenting that helped me run a tight ship when they were small children and pre-teens doesn’t cut it any longer.
I’ve realized that micromanaging their lives to ensure they follow the rules is futile. These days, I’m taking a more back-seat role.
My oldest is in his last year of high school. He is adamant that he is studying and that his education is under control. I’ve made it clear that I am here for assistance whenever he wants, but I’m not checking to ensure he’s getting all his schoolwork done. Maybe he’s in his room gaming rather than revising his essays. But if I hover over him now, then what happens when he’s off at college next year or when he’s at work and something doesn’t go right?
Being independent and learning how to ask for help are among the most important skills kids need to learn. Giving them space is the only way I know how to teach them that.
I definitely don’t have all the answers, but I hope that by listening, enabling my kids to talk things through, and providing my opinion, they’ll make the choices that are right for them.
A good coach watches the play and has a couple of tricks up their sleeve from past experience, but at the end of the day, they can’t take the field.
Sometimes, I feel like an extra in the story of their lives
After all the cooking, cleaning, driving around, coordinating schedules, and completing my own job, some days, I feel like nothing more than an extra in the drama that is a teenager’s life.
Apparently, the difficulties and injustices they face are beyond my understanding, and I “just don’t get it!”
On these days, I remind myself to step back and let the drama unfold. Sitting on the sidelines is bittersweet. I am growing increasingly aware that all too soon, they won’t need me anymore, but I also get to witness how they’re growing and maturing.
Soon, they’ll move out and become adults
I’m sure when my youngest is 17, I’ll be better equipped to navigate the dramas and emotions of teenagers — annoyingly, becoming an expert once the skill is unnecessary.
Still, I remind myself now is the time for me to lay the foundations for adult relationships with my kids because no matter what age they are, they will always need me in some way.
Perhaps more important than that, I need to think about my own life and make plans for the time and freedom from responsibility that awaits me. As a single parent, my nest will be well and truly empty, so what am I going to fill it with?
We are far from perfect, but my teenagers and I are doing OK, and, most importantly, we’re continuing to learn from each other.
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