Think back to your first kiss. Was it deeply romantic or seriously awkward? Now, think back to your last kiss. What’s changed? Has kissing become more enjoyable for you, or less? Smooching may seem foundational, something that just comes naturally, but there are a few techniques you can put into practice in order to kiss someone well.
The truth is, even if you’re already pretty great at it (or think you are), there’s probably something more you can learn about how to kiss. And the fact you’re interested in expanding your horizons is a great place to start.
“So many people overlook kissing, especially once they’ve moved on to other ‘bases,’” Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in intimacy, tells Bustle. “But kissing is a ridiculous amount of fun and is fully deserving of your attention and effort.”
Not only is it fun, but kissing plays a key role in building relationships. In fact, kissing frequency is a strong indicator of relationship connectivity, according to a 2020 study.
So, the more you kiss, the happier you and your partner will likely be in your relationship. And as Marin says, it’s “super important to intimacy, foreplay, and attraction in general.”
With that in mind, here are eight steps to up your kissing game according to experts, since we could all use a kissing refresher.
Take Your Time When Kissing
Arguably the best tip on how to kiss, according to Marin, is to go slow and ease your way into every smooch. If you’re feeling anxious about your kissing abilities, that anxiety is likely spurring you into rushing your way through it. But no one likes kissing someone who is hyperactive and all over the place.
The most important thing is that you’re present in the situation and paying attention to what feels right in the moment with someone, as coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure Amy Levine tells Bustle. “It’s connection and being present,” she says. “It’s the perfect way to show, ‘I’m here with you.’”
If you still feel completely lost and nervous (and hey, it happens), remember that the best kisses are usually the ones that are relaxed and sensual, Marin says.
So if you feel yourself pecking away, remember to go nice and slow until you feel yourself start to settle down and get into the groove.
Use The Right Amount Of Pressure
One of the most basic ways that people mess up kissing is by going to extremes with the amount of pressure they use, according to Marin. Some people are way too forceful with their kisses and wind up bumping teeth, pushing their partner backwards, or coming off as aggressive. Other people are shy and timid, and their kisses end up feeling lifeless.
Think about handshakes: It feels strange when someone squeezes your hand way too tightly and kinda creepy when you get a limp handshake. Marin explains that you have to use some pressure but not too much, and land somewhere in the middle.
“It may sound ridiculous, but practicing on the fleshy top part of your hand where your index finger meets your thumb can mimic the sensation your partner is experiencing,” says Levine. “Kiss this area and see what resonates most.”
That’ll cover your basic kiss. But it can also help to keep in mind that any good makeout session includes various types of kissing. There very well be a moment when you go for a light touch, like when you first start kissing, and then press in harder as things heat up. It’s all about reading the moment.
“Some people like relaxed lips, firm or even wide and soft,” says Levine. “Once you have a few styles, you can try them out with your partner.”
Use Your Tongue Wisely
Another common characteristic of “bad” kissing is using way too much tongue. When you first start kissing someone, Marin recommends that you keep the tongue out of it until things start to get more intense.
Again, focus more on all the different ways you can kiss with just your lips — keeping your mouth closed, opening it slightly, intertwining your lips with your partners’, pouting your lips, and so on.
“In terms of skill, kissing is about the lips first,” says Levine. “Once you master pressure and lip technique you can then figure out tongue motions.”
When it feels like time to add some tongue, be gentle. Your tongue is an incredibly strong muscle, so you need to be careful not to go overboard. Try just gently touching your tongue to your partner’s at first. Imagine that your tongues are softly caressing each other, says Marin.
Don’t jab at your partner like a “darting snake tongue,” as Levine puts it, and try not to put too much of your tongue into their mouth. Just gentle caresses. “Be sensual,” says Levine. “It could be passionate and more robust in the heat of the moment and that’s okay too.”
If you feel unsure about how to kiss someone while getting your tongue involved, Marin advises practicing on the back of your hand again. Give your hand a firm jab with your tongue, just so you can see how strong your tongue is (you might be surprised). Then play around with different ways of moving your tongue across your skin. It may feel silly to “practice” on your hand, but it really is an easy way to get a sense of how things feel.
Close Your Eyes
“Eye contact can be wonderful, but sprinkle it into the experience and let eyes-closed moments give you space to sink into the sensation,” Queen previously told Bustle.
This isn’t the time for a staring contest.
Get Your Whole Body Involved
The best kisses involve your entire body, not just your lips!
While kissing on the lips is a great place to start, it’s important to remember that the lips aren’t the body’s only erogenous zone, which are the places on your body that are scientifically proven to be arousing when touched.
“Use your hands to caress your partner’s hair and face,” says Levine. “Match the kiss to the moment: soft if it’s tender, harder if it’s more intense.”
Wrap your arms around your partner, or stroke their arms, shoulders, and back with your hands. Press your body up against theirs. Hold their face in your hands, or run your hands through their hair. You can also take little breaks from their lips to kiss their neck or ears, says Marin.
Use your body to create some variety — the possibilities are basically endless.
Be A Tease Between Kisses
Teasing your partner between kisses can be a ton of fun. For example, it’s pretty hot to pull your lips away and gently stroke their lower lip with your thumb, says Marin.
Breaking away from the kiss and looking your partner in the eye, with a sly smile on your face, can also be a flirty way to gauge if they’re also into it, as Heather M. Claus, the founder of DatingKinky, previously told Bustle.
“I have a favorite trick that has always worked for me,” Claus said. “Pull back the tiniest bit. Not even a half inch. If your partner follows you, or pounces, they are having a good time. You can try this a few times throughout the evening, but don’t make it a game of chasing you down.”
And while it sounds weird, breathing is also another component of kissing. Marin recommends keeping your slightly-open mouth close to theirs and breathing in and out together, or breathing in through your nose.
You could also try brushing your lips against your partner’s without actually kissing them.
Adapt Your Technique
You can work on kissing techniques all you want, but the reality is that figuring out how to kiss someone will be different with each person, because everyone has a unique kissing style.
When you’re kissing someone, pay attention to what your partner is doing and what they seem to respond to best.
“Kissing is like dancing: One person leads and the other follows,” says Levine. “If you apply what you practiced, see how your partner responds and adjust as needed to be in sync.”
Are they moving their tongue very slowly? Do they let out a little moan each time you bite their lower lip? Use these cues to cater your kissing to them, and try to adapt. If you’re unsure of what your partner likes, ask them what they do like, and then follow their lead. That way, you’ll know exactly what they’re looking for.
“You have to learn how to dance together,” says Levine. “No matter what the song is, you match it.”
Don’t Judge Yourself
Even with these various techniques to experiment with, Marin encourages everyone not to think about technique too much as they’re kissing. Instead, she recommends trying to get out of your head and stop analyzing what you’re doing in the moment — just feel what’s happening. If you still feel anxiety, it also doesn’t hurt to just talk to your partner about it.
“To calm our anxiety about kissing, we will have to feel trust with our new partner,” licensed psychologist Dr. Kelly Donohoe previously told Bustle. “We grow trust by talking and spending time together without pressure to make anything physical. It can also happen through open conversations about how safe we will each be when we aren’t together. When we trust our partner to be safe, we can feel as safe as possible kissing.”
It’s also worth keeping in mind that you’re not going to have great chemistry with everyone you meet. Sometimes it’s just going to feel “off” or awkward. That doesn’t make you a bad kisser, it just means you haven’t found the right kissing partner!
“Kissing tells a whole lot about chemistry in bed. If kissing isn’t so great people may feel judged or may find they are not compatible with the person,” says Levine. “To combat this, you can work together [with your partner] to find a middle ground in a playful way to see what works for both of you.”
Communicate With Your Partner
As Donohoe says, open communication can make you feel a lot more comfortable with your partner, and when it comes to kissing, specifically, the same is true.
Tarryn Dier, a relationship expert, says that “communication is key.” Dier recommends that you open up the lines of communication by looking deeply into your partner’s eyes, whispering positive affirmation when they’re doing something right, and gently guiding them with your words (and your mouth!) if they’re doing something that you’re not into.
Communicating in this way (rather than having a sit-down conversation about the fact that you don’t like how much tongue they use), is effective in building trust and communication, while allowing a natural chemistry to continue between the two of you while staying in the moment.
Praise What You Like
If your partner has a move that makes you swoon, don’t hold back! Telling them exactly what you like means you’re more likely to get it again in the future. And who wouldn’t like to hear they’re kissing you well?
Offer A “Compliment Sandwich”
If there’s room for improvement, that’s OK, too. You can gently guide your partner toward the style of kiss you’re really craving.
The “compliment sandwich” is a useful tool for giving feedback in all areas of life, from the workplace to the bedroom. It’s simple: Start with words of praise, tactfully explain what could be different, and end with more kind words.
“Make the constructive critique an ‘I’ statement so it doesn’t seem to them that they’ve failed at kissing you… rather, you’re helping them kiss you better!” Queen said.
To the fullest extent possible, give them genuine compliments. Even if the mouth-to-mouth situation isn’t doing it for you, there are plenty of other elements you could mention:
- Do you like how comfortable and safe you feel with them?
- Do they give you butterflies?
- Do they smell amazing?
- Do you like where their hands are placed? The amount of pressure?
- Do you like how you feel in their arms?
- Are they nuzzling your ear in a way that just works?
- Are you attracted to them?
- Have you been looking forward to this all day?
- Are you having fun together? Are you excited to see them again?
Give Them A Second Chance
A first kiss isn’t the ultimate test of chemistry. If you like someone but not their makeout style, that doesn’t mean you’re necessarily wrong for each other. Nicely give feedback (see the “compliment sandwich” above), share what you like, and try again another time.
“If you leave it at that one disappointing kiss, but you didn’t do anything at all to communicate what you do and don’t like, you really did not give them a chance,” Queen previously told Bustle.
The setting and timing can play big roles, too. The second time around, they might be more relaxed. You might feel more comfortable on your doorstep than outside a busy subway station. A lot of variables go into your connection.
“If you communicate and they’re still a bad kisser (for you), at least you’ll know — and they might have even sent the message that they can’t or won’t take your feedback,” Queen said. “And that is a reason to throw a fish back into the sea.”
Follow Your Partner’s Lead
There are a few reasons to let the other person initiate the kiss or take control of the move.
- If you’re shy, this takes the pressure off.
- If you’re on the submissive side, putting your partner in the passenger scratches that itch.
- It’s the easiest way to get a sense of what the other person likes.
“This isn’t a power-play thing — it’s a ‘learn your partner’s style’ maneuver,” intimacy expert Carol Queen, Ph.D previously told Bustle.
Pay attention and you’ll discover a few of their preferences:
- A modest peck vs. a steamier makeout
- Kissing for a few seconds vs. a minute or more
- More tongue vs. less tongue
- More intense vs. more gentle
- More rough vs. more sweet
- Their hands on your face vs. your body
- Your hands on their face vs. their body
- Leaning to the right vs. left
- PDA vs. privacy
- Kissing as its own act vs. something that leads to more
- Standing vs. sitting down vs. lying down
- If they like to kiss or lick along your ear or jaw
- If they like to bite or scrape their teeth against your skin
Take The Lead
On the flip side, initiating a kiss is a great way to demonstrate your own desires. This is particularly true “if there’s something about your partner’s style you don’t prefer, that feels triggering, or that doesn’t go in an overall pleasurable direction for you,” Queen previously told Bustle.
Kissing is intimate and deeply personal. Don’t shy away from expressing what works for you and what doesn’t. There’s no shame in needing something else.
Because everyone is different, there isn’t one perfect way to kiss. But by showing your partner what you like, you’re giving them the opportunity to observe what’s perfect for you.
“Many people make the mistake of comparing like this, but also sometimes there is an underlying assumption that there’s a right way to kiss,” Queen said. “There are so many right ways! The question is whether it’s right for you and your partner.”
Offer Variety
A simple way to keep a make-out sesh exciting is to switch up your technique by frequently changing the style and intensity of your kisses. A sweet peck here, a passionate smooch there, a French kiss followed by a lip bite — whatever rhythm you choose, mixing up your approach is sure to leave your partner feeling impressed and satisfied.
Ask About Hickeys
Yes, seriously. “Some people love hickeys, aka love bites, and sport them proudly,” Queen previously told Bustle. “Others are mortified to have them — so it helps to know how they happen so you can negotiate to prevent them if they’re not your thing.”
It’s Not Just About The Lips
Sure, the mouth is the star of the show here. But as Queen said, “There are sensitive spots everywhere, and the pleasure in kissing can be even greater if you explore them — it’s also a lovely technique to move away from the lips because then you get to go back to them… It becomes a kind of tease technique if you want it to [be].”
Know what you want? Don’t be afraid to let the person you’re kissing know. They’ll appreciate the intel. “Share with your partner where besides your mouth you want the kisses to land,” Levine previously told Bustle. “And learn what they like too.”
Experts recommend two underrated spots you shouldn’t skip:
“Don’t forget the palm and the inside of the wrists and elbows — basically all along the arm,” Queen said.
Try kissing, licking, sucking, or nibbling on the top of the ear, inside the ear, the ridge, and the earlobe, and don’t be silent. “Sounds, especially around the ears, can be extra erotic,” Levine said. This could also include sweet whispers or dirty talk.
Other areas you might pay attention to:
- Hair
- Cheekbones
- Cheeks
- Nose
- Forehead
- Jaw
- Throat
- Nape of the neck
- Collarbone
- Shoulder
- Center of the chest
- Nipples
- Stomach
- Waist
- Hips
- Thighs
- Feet
Obviously, oral is another option.
Lip Care Is Crucial
There are plenty of ways to take a kiss from good to great, but the easiest (and possibly the most important thing) you can do ahead of time is make sure your lips look — and feel — kissable.
To avoid giving your partner literal dry mouth, prepping your mouth with lip balm, moisturizer, or lip gloss is a must.
Sure, a chapped lips-kiss is memorable, but not in the way you want it to be.
Set The Mood
Try…
- Turning the lights down or off
- Lighting candles
- Putting on music, whether it’s romantic or hot
- Opening a bottle of wine
- Cooking a nice meal
- Wearing lingerie
- Making your bed with fresh sheets
Save Your Kiss For Dessert
Who says you need to start a hookup with a kiss? As Sophia Benoit, who writes Bustle’s dating advice column It’s a Pleasure, once suggested, “If you suspect overthinking might be sapping the fun out of it for you, maybe it’s worth trying to include kissing at the end (or at least middle) of a hookup, rather than at the starting line when you’re trying to get your horny cylinders firing.”
Hey, it worked in Pretty Woman.
Try starting with a close hug or cuddling in bed.
Loosen Up
Get playful. “Have a glass of wine and ask your partner for ‘kissing practice’ to make it a lighthearted joint activity rather than A Thing That Means Something,” Benoit previously wrote for Bustle.
It’s OK If You Don’t Like Kissing
If locking lips simply isn’t your jam, that’s totally normal. Even Benoit said, “Kissing, to me, is pretty meh.” As she pointed out, over half of cultures do not kiss romantically.
Give Your Partner Other Ideas
Everyone has different turn-ons and turn-offs, and if kissing doesn’t appeal to you, that’s completely fine. But because making out is so commonplace, your partner might be surprised by that information. Don’t panic — just be proactive. Give them a road map by offering up other ways you’d like to be intimate with them.
“I wouldn’t recommend telling your partner that you don’t like kissing them, but if you want to share that Frenching doesn’t do much for you, that might be helpful information for them to have,” Benoit said. “Suggest things you do like, things that do turn you on.”
For example, you might like putting your feet in their lap, giving and/or receiving a massage, holding hands, hugging, cuddling, meditating together, or listening to music together.
Find What Feels Good To You
Above all else, try to focus on finding the kissing styles and techniques that you enjoy the most. “There is no one way,” says Levine. “You figure out what feels good to the two of you!”
Remember, kissing is supposed to be fun! Follow what feels good, pay attention to the signals your partner is sending you, and chances are, you won’t be doing it wrong.
Let Your Desires Change Over Time
Like everything else, relationships ebb and flow. Don’t put pressure on yourself to keep your connection exactly the same as it was on day one. If you used to live for a good makeout session but now find yourself drawn to other things — including less intimate contact — that’s normal.
“In the beginning, we’re so horned up for our crush that any physical contact — even something as PG as sitting side by side on a couch — feels as thrilling as falling from the top of the Tower of Terror,” Benoit once wrote in her column. “And then a few months or a year goes by, and eventually, if it’s not The Thing That Drives You Wild; it’s often forgotten.”
But Also…. Keep Kissing!
Consent is of the utmost importance. If either of you isn’t interested in intimacy, that’s a red stop light, no questions asked.
But if you’re open to kissing, just… uninspired, do yourself a favor and try to get in the mood anyway. Fake it ‘til you make it. You never know where a single kiss could lead you.
“This is definitely good advice for longer-term partners who don’t want the spark to go dim,” Queen previously told Bustle. “It’s so common to hear from people whose connection has waned that they don’t kiss any more. So, keep kissing!”
Studies cited:
Busby, D.M., Hanna-Walker, V., & Leavitt, C.M. (2020) A kiss is not just a kiss, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14681994.2020.1717460
Maister, L., Fotopoulou, A., Turnbull, O., & Tsakiris, M. (2020). The Erogenous Mirror, 49(8), 2919–2933. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01756-1
Experts:
Vanessa Marin, licensed psychotherapist
Amy Levine, coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure
Heather M. Claus, founder of DatingKinky
Dr. Kelly Donohoe, licensed psychologist
Tarryn Dier, a relationship expert
Sophia Benoit, Bustle’s dating advice columnist
Carol Queen, Ph.D., staff at Good Vibrations
The post How To Kiss Someone Well & Improve Your Makeout Game appeared first on Bustle.