Stream It Or Skip It: ‘The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim’ on Max, a Dull Anime Prequel to a Beloved Franchise

You better be trilling the crap outta those Rs when you say The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim (now streaming on Max), or there will be heck to pay. This anime-style movie is a prequel to the major events of The Lord of the Rings, set centuries before all the whatnot with the thing and the whatsits and all the fighting. More specifically, it’s set in the Land of Men, and even more specifically than that, in Rohan, which you may recall as the realm that seems very Celtic in its style, music and accents. The story is an elaboration upon some historical bric-a-brac that LOTR novelist J.R.R. Tolkien stuck in the appendixes, and if that isn’t enough to get your knickers in a tizzy, let it be known that the movie exists primarily so the production company could hold on to LOTR adaptation rights without the contract lapsing. (And I can’t help but remember what Roger Ebert’s “little movie glossary” definition of “sequel” is – a “filmed deal.”) Let’s hear it for creativity, but mostly for the retention of legal access to IP! Hopefully, the studio doesn’t mind losing a little dough for the hope of future profits, since Rohirrim came and went from theaters with a shrug, and now lands in the streaming realm with a lot of people, myself included, wondering if it’s worth more than two hours of their time.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE WAR OF THE ROHIRRIM: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: TWO-HUNDRED YEE-AHHS before that SILLY HOBBIT BILBO BAGGINS found the ONE TRUE RING, there was just regular old conflict in Middle Earth instead of everyone-against-everyone chaos. We meet Hera (Gaia Wise), the horse-ridin’, sword-wieldin’ daughter of the King of Rohan, Helm Hammerhand (Brian Cox), who earns that name in the following incident: First, he insults a Lord of Dundening, Freca (Shaun Dooley), for being overweight, but also because the guy is power-hungry and is obviously scheming to take the throne. How? By having his son, Wulf (Luke Pasqualino), propose marriage to Hera, who respects the guy because they were besties as kids, which leads to a flashback where they fight with swords and shields, and in case you’re wondering, yes, Hera wins, and accidentally posits a scar over Wulf’s eye, which is something that only happens to people who end up being total shitbags. 

But none of this has anything to do with Hera’s wishes, which include never marrying any dude ever, because she has no desire to be tied down, poopin’ out babies and the like. And it’s a feedback loop too, because the guys around here aren’t keen on girls with twigs in their hair and swords on their belts. Now, has anyone considered that maybe Hera prefers the company of women? Are there gay people in Middle Earth? Sure looks like it. I mean, “Shieldmaidens of Rohan” is coded as hell! Speaking of which, Hera would like to carry the banner for said Shieldmaidens, who’ve been phased out as of late, although her trusted adviser Olwyn (Lorraine Ashbourne) is one of the last ones standing, and appears to be married to nothing but her duty to defend the homeland. 

Anyway. Where was I? Right: Freca doesn’t like being called fat, so he and Helm take it outside and drop the gloves for good old-fashioned fisticuffs. Freca lands a couple of blows but Helm is such a beast, he pounds Freca in the face once and the dude dies instantly. Whoops. This strikes me as a major diplomacy blunder. And so the tension between clans is worsenified for years, until Wulf gathers up some loyalists to launch an assault on Rohan. Helm gathers up his men, and please note how that’s gendered, which means Hera is pissed that her father is too sexist to let her fight. I mean, stabbing people and bleeding out into the dirt is a MAN’S job! They’re outnumbered and there’s a betrayal and some tragic losses and Helm is gravely wounded and the Rohirrim (note: TIL “Rohirrim” is the term for the people of Rohan) beat a retreat to a defensive stronghold that should look familiar to anyone who watched the Peter Jackson LOTRs, as in, aha, that’s why it’s called HELM’S Deep! As Wulf gathers up forces for a siege that’ll last an entire winter and absolutely feel like it to anyone watching, Hera assumes a leadership role. Is destiny calling her? Sure seems like it.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Netflix usually does the anime-spinoff thing – via The Witcher: Nightmare of the Wolf or Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters and its sequels.

Performance Worth Watching Hearing: There’s no denying the Brian Cox gravitas, even when his voice emerges from the shoddily animated mouth of a hunk of digital celluloid.

Memorable Dialogue: This is far from a great movie, but this was a pretty badass moment:

Hera: I am bride to no man. 

Wulf: Tell me then – to whom are you pledged?

Hera, drawing her sword: Death!

Sex and Skin: None.

Our Take: War of the Rohirrim’s foundation is passable fantasy storytelling that bears a little dramatic weight within the (sigh) LOTRCU, adhering to the airless tone we encounter in the Rohan sequences of Jackson’s films. The Rohirrim are a beleaguered people, remember, being stupidass Men instead of more noble and selfless Dwarves and Elves; you’ll also recall that noble women like Hera and Eowyn (played by Miranda Otto, who resumes the role here, although strictly as narrator) ended up being saviors of varying degrees for the stubborn dolts with external genitalia. Not that Rohirrim gives us much else of depth beyond setting feminist precedent for stories that come chronologically after it – the characters are pretty flimsy, and so glum, you wonder if Rohan’s leadership condemns people to death for smiling or cracking a joke.

This is but a sliver of what Rohirrim has to offer, though. The rest consists of clumsily staged action, ineffective melodrama and the usual bland expository declarations that tend to sink fantasy and sci-fi films to the bottom of the sea. Kenji Kamiyama – whose credits include animated spinoffs/continuations of Star Wars, Blade Runner, Ghost in the Shell and Ultraman – directs like a hired gun who doesn’t have much ammo (the budget was a relatively slim $30 million – compare that to $78 million for The Wild Robot and $200-plus million for Inside Out 2), and like he’s under someone else’s gun to get this thing done before the IP goes bad like last month’s cottage cheese. 

The animation looks cheap and pasted-together, with shoddy overdubbed voices and foreground characters looking incongruous with their backgrounds. And yet, despite a wide variety of (painfully transparent) creative limitations, the movie sprawls well past the two-hour mark, so yes, the aforementioned crack about the siege was all too true. I’m tempted to highlight the silver lining and assert that, hey, at least the movie makes us feel something, but when that something is impatience tinged with boredom with a moment or two of righteous girlboss fury – well, that just ain’t no good. 

Our Call: The War of the Rohirrim is a disappointment that doesn’t live up to baseline standards of Jackson’s LOTR films – or even his forgettable Hobbit trilogy. SKIP IT.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

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