When Sean Penn Got Mad at Chris Rock: Recapping the 2005 Oscar Ceremony

It’s Sunday, February 27, 2005, and the 77th Academy Awards are a mere excruciating pre-show away from beginning. The stars are taking to the red carpet in front of the Kodak Theater—now known as the Dolby Theater, because no one buys film anymore—in the lead up to this most glamorous of evenings.

Why, there’s young Natalie Portman, nominated for her performance as a tenacious stripper in Closer.

There’s young Alan Alda, nominated for his performance as a mysterious Republican in The Aviator.

Hey look, it’s Hilary Swank, already an Oscar winner for Boys Don’t Cry, now nominated for Million Dollar Baby. Do you think she sees Alaska Daily in her future?

Here’s professional model scout Leonardo DiCaprio, nominated for The Aviator, in which he plays a born-rich zillionaire interested in aeronautics and politics who did lots of crazy things. Thank god we don’t have any of those running around today!

In case you need some context, here are the five features nominated for best picture.

The pre-show is hosted by Chris Connelly, Jann Carl, Shaun Robinson, and . . . Oh for the love of god, this guy. He had entirely too much access to Hollywood.

Mr. Bush’s first interview is with Hilary Swank. Billy talks to her like the character she played was a real person. He seems to think Million Dollar Baby was a biopic.

Next up it’s poor Renée Zellweger’s turn to talk to Billy. He says “no pressure tonight,” because she’s not nominated. Which is a little rude, because Zellweger had a 2004 role that she should have been nominated for. No, not Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. I’m talking about her unforgettable vocal performance as Angie the angelfish in Shark Tale.

Billy Bush is really a consummate interviewer. He says to Renée Zellweger: “Now, the last time you were here, you were blonde, and you’d packed on a few pounds for Bridget Jones. And now you’re here, petite and slim and brunette. Which girl has more fun, the brunette or the blonde?” I swear to God, that is what Billy Bush says to Renée Zellweger.

Zellweger plays it off, saying, “You can ask me that tomorrow, Billy,” and then swiftly leaves.

While Billy’s camera crew tries to stop vomiting, the producers cut over to Chris Connelly, who is interviewing lil’ baby boy Leonardo DiCaprio, who calls Connelly “sir.”

A chyron reminds us that this is DiCaprio’s first nomination since 1993’s What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. He’d get nominated twice more before finally winning for The Revenant, 11 years after this red carpet moment.

DiCaprio says some nice things about Aviator director Martin Scorsese, with whom DiCaprio first worked in Gangs of New York and is now his husband.

Then it’s back to Billy, who has lured Kinsey supporting actress nominee Laura Linney into his lair of stink and slime.

Linney is forced to talk about sex research with Billy Bush for a little while, which seems miserable.

After that is concluded, it’s time for a spotlight on the best actress race, which includes Being Julia star Annette Bening.

Then it’s time for Jann Carl to interview Sideways supporting actress nominee Virginia Madsen, who is fixing her hair.

The entire interview is just about Virginia Madsen’s dress, which she only decided on the day prior. It is a nice dress, but it was probably worth talking about Sideways a little bit. Madsen had an interesting awards season with that movie. She won all three major critics’ prizes that year, along with a raft of others, but lost the Golden Globe to Natalie Portman and the SAG to Cate Blanchett. At least she was nominated for the Oscar, unlike this year’s snubbed trifecta winner Marianne Jean-Baptiste. Sigh.

Following that, we take another tour of the red carpet to see who’s arriving.

Here’s Beyoncé.

There’s Scarlett Johansson, who at the time was prime minister of Ukraine.

Johansson was in five movies in 2004, and was nominated at the Golden Globes for one of them, A Love Song for Bobby Long. But she would not be recognized by the Academy for many years, finally scoring twin nominations in 2019.

Hey, look: it’s talk show host Drew Barrymore, who at the time was working as an actor.

Barrymore is there to promote Fever Pitch, which came out in April of 2005. When I moved from Boston to New York in 2006, I watched that movie over and over again because I was homesick and liked seeing the shots of the Boston skyline. So, it has a special place in my heart. Thanks, Drew!

The recording I’m watching has a few ads in it. Here’s one with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy hair man Kyan Douglas.

After the break, Chris Connelly talks to Orlando Bloom, who was my absolute number one at the time. I mean, just look at that shayna punim.

Bloom was riding high at the time with Troy, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Lord of the Rings. This year, 2005, promised to be a great one, with Ridley Scott’s Kingdom of Heaven and Cameron Crowe’s Elizabethtown on the horizon. It all went perfectly, and Bloom remains one of our biggest movie stars to this day.

Anyhoo: now it’s time for Billiam Bush to interview Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind actor Kirsten Dunst. He says, “You always look beautiful. How hard, or how easy, was it to get into this dress?” I dunno, Billy, I think she just put her legs through the hole and then pulled it up?

Bush asks Dunst if an Oscar dress is like a wedding dress, meaning you can only wear it once. Dunst dryly replies that she has to give the dress back, so she will only be wearing it once. Dunst brought her brother along, seen here playing the role of Hottest Boy in My Dorm.

Up next is Jann Carl with The Aviator supporting actress nominee Cate Blanchett, regal in a yellow, all-timer gown.

Then there are some more interviews and breakdowns of various categories. But it’s all pretty dull, so I’ll spare you that and move on to Billy Bush talking to Penélope Cruz. She was there to promote the big action extravaganza Sahara, which of course kicked off one of Hollywood’s most beloved, enduring franchises.

Bush asks about Cruz’s dress, and then he asks Cruz if she’s congratulated nominee Johnny Depp yet. No questions about her. Just questions about her dress and Johnny Depp. Oh well.

Then there’s a little look inside the Governors Ball, catered as always by Wolfgang Puck.

Doesn’t it look delicious?

Okay, it’s showtime!!

The ceremony begins with a montage of classic films, narrated by Dustin Hoffman. Hey look, it’s that train crash scene from The Fabelmans!

The montage gives one the particular satisfaction of listening to Dustin Hoffman talking over Eminem’s “Lose Yourself.” At one point, Hoffman says “we laugh at the clown” as we watch footage of Ben Stiller getting bitten in the crotch by a dog in There’s Something About Mary. “Lose Yourself” is still playing.

The montage ends with Charlie Chaplin and Shrek walking off into the distance, one of cinema’s most indelible images.

Once that is finished, it’s time for host Chris Rock to take the stage. Virginia Madsen is very excited.

Rock gets a standing ovation, because he was huge at the time and it was exciting to have someone so irreverent host Hollywood’s most self-regarding event. Hiring Rock was an effort to attract younger viewers, which didn’t really pan out. But Rock did manage to anger a bunch of Academy members, both before and during the show. In particular, his comments about how straight men don’t watch the Oscars ruffled some feathers. Which is what Chris Rock does!

Anyway: Rock makes a joke about shootings at the Source awards, and then the producers do a jump scare.

Rock cracks that there aren’t that many real stars in Hollywood. Clint Eastwood is a star, Rock declares, to which Kate Winslet reacts strangely.

In Rock’s estimation, Tobey Maguire is not a star—he’s just a boy in tights. Let’s see what his Spider-Man co-star Kirsten Dunst thinks about that.

Rock then goes into his somewhat infamous rant about Jude Law, a ubiquitous screen presence in 2004. Law appeared in five movies that year, something that Rock found baffling. Remember this moment, because it will be brought up again later by someone quite famous!

The star vs. not star joke continues, with Rock quipping, “If you want Russell Crowe but all you can get is Colin Farrell, wait.” Which is mean to Farrell in hindsight, but in truth he wasn’t having the best run at the time. His big 2004 project was the alternately reviled and cultishly admired Oliver Stone film Alexander. Though he was also in A Home at the End of the World, in which he gives a lovely performance.

Rock carries on, finally turning the joke on himself, which is only fair. After that, Rock uses a reference to Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11 not being nominated to segue into political jokes about George W. Bush, who had just begun his second term amidst the horror and mess of the Iraq War. Those leftie loonies in Hollyweird eat it up.

The monologue closes out with jokes about The Passion of the Christ and Soul Plane. Overall, Rock does a good job, but he is maybe a little tamer than expected. And there’s not much fanfare. Are Billy Crystal’s musical theatrics missed? Not exactly, but some kind of pizzazz would have been appreciated. Rock ends by sending support to the troops fighting around the world, and thus the stars in the room dutifully clap for the troops (who are being used to do war crimes).

Okay, time for the first award! Halle Berry is the presenter, introduced by Rock as the star of the “eagerly awaited Catwoman 2.” Which is not very nice! Though, I guess Berry did show up to the Razzies to collect her trophy for that movie, so she can probably take the joke. But it seems less funny when you think about where her career went in the years after this.

Berry, presenting best art direction, doesn’t acknowledge Rock’s comment, maybe figuring that looking good is the best retort.

The Oscars did a weird thing this year where, for some categories, all the nominees come out on stage, beauty pageant style.

The video presentation is nice, showing us illustrations of each nominee, accompanied with a bit of the film’s score. The Aviator wins, while the losers are stuck standing on the stage, clapping amidst their sadness. The camera cuts to some Aviator folks, alongside Gisele Bündchen. She was dating DiCaprio at the time, but sadly something terrible was about to happen: in July of 2005, Gisele Bündchen turned 25.

Once the winners’ speech is done, Rock introduces the next presenter, Renée Zellweger. Does he make a joke about her putting on weight to play Bridget Jones? Yes, but in a clever way. (“Next year she’s putting on 80 pounds to play Deacon Jones.”)

Zellweger won supporting actress the previous year, so it’s her duty to present supporting actor. She reads the nominees and in so doing, reminds me that Jamie Foxx was a double nominee that night! He of course was nominated in lead for Ray, but he also got a supporting nod for Collateral, which is a lead performance, but whatever. Category fraud is eternal. Zellweger opens the envelope and says Morgan Freeman’s name. His fellow nominees—Foxx, Alan Alda, Clive Owen (Closer), and Thomas Haden Church (Sideways)—don’t look too disappointed. Foxx especially, probably because he knew he had a good chance of getting on stage later in the evening.

Clint Eastwood has a typically enthused reaction.

Freeman receives a standing ovation, as this was very much viewed as a reward for a remarkable career. Before he begins his speech, we can hear him saying, “Heavens to Murgatroyd,” an expression we don’t use near often enough these days.

Freeman gives a gracious speech, and then Robin Williams takes the stage to present best animated feature. He walks out with tape over his mouth, a reference to the fact that he was supposed to sing a parody song about cartoon characters that ABC nixed because it was too risqué. A Robin Williams song lost to time!

Of course, Williams is not going to go right into the nominees. He does some jokes first, about Viagra and plastic surgery. Halle Berry and Gwyneth Paltrow love the plastic surgery one!

Williams riffs on gay cartoon characters, which would have also been the content of his song, which was meant to parody a Focus on the Family freakout about Spongbob Squarepants being gay. He then transitions into doing impressions of famous actors—Marlon Brando, John Wayne, etc.—as famous cartoon characters. It’s fun and corny in that classic Robin Williams way. Man, you could always count on him.

The Incredibles wins, which makes one of its stars, Samuel L. Jackson, very happy.

Director Brad Bird accepts the award and gives a humble, shy speech.

After that, Chris Rock introduces the next presenter, saying she was so convincing as Katharine Hepburn that Sidney Poitier went to her house last night for dinner. He is of course introducing Cate Blanchett, but she does not walk out on stage. No, Blanchett is in the audience for some reason. Surely she won’t actually hand the awards out in the audience, and the winners won’t have to give their speeches from the audience, right? Right, Cate?!

Yes, indeed: the makeup and hair team behind Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events do have to give their speech from the freaking aisles of the theater, which is so terrible and disrespectful I’m surprised it hasn’t happened every year since.

After that indignity is over with, it is time for Drew Barrymore to present the first original song nominee. As she walks out, Adam Sandler looks excited to see her.

The nominee is “Look to Your Path” from the French film The Chorus. Does a chorus of French people come out to sing it? No, it is instead sung—in French!—by Beyoncé and the American Boy Choir.

You simply have not lived until you’ve seen Beyoncé sing in French while surrounded by a bunch of children. It’s a real fantasia. And Beyoncé is not done! She’ll be back out later on to sing two more of the nominated songs.

Now it’s time for an extended Chris Rock bit, which begins with some mic issues. Look at that man go!

The bit is a pre-taped package in which Rock goes to a Magic Johnson movie theater to ask Black theatergoers about this year’s nominated movies. The joke being that, well, their taste is quite different from the largely white snoots in the auditorium. People cite movies like Alien vs. Predator, Chronicles of Riddick, and at one point Saw, which might have been the inception of a terrible idea Chris Rock would later have.

There’s a montage of people saying they saw and liked White Chicks, and then we cut to Rock interviewing Albert Brooks, who has seen all the nominated movies and, of course, loved White Chicks.

Rock then lets the interviewees hold the Oscar and give a speech, which is fun. The whole thing is fun. And it ends with another surprise guest!

Once that’s over, Rock introduces the next presenter: Scarlett Johansson, who is way up in an opera box. Oscars producer Gil Cates is really feeling the space this year.

Because she was an attractive young starlet, Johansson was asked to host the Sci-Tech awards, a separate event meant to keep the absolute nerd freaks of the industry away from everyone else. The winners join Scarlett in the box and then the camera leaves them to their own devices.

While Scarlett Johansson is devoured by dweebs, Pierce Brosnan struts onto the main stage, there to solo present the costume design award. It’s not common to have a lone man present this category, because men aren’t clothes, women are clothes. But here Brosnan is, terribly alo— Oh my, what’s that? Or, who is that? Once the nominees walk out on stage and it’s time to announce the winner, Brosnan is joined by Edna Mode, the cartoon fashion designer from The Incredibles. Yes, it’s one of those bits.

It doesn’t go very well because Brosnan, who has a raspy voice due to some sort of illness, speaks too slowly, so the pre-taped Edna dialogue jumps on his lines. It is at least mercifully brief, and the great Sandy Powell wins for The Aviator.

And now, a big one! Tim Robbins takes the stage to present best supporting actress. Cate Blanchett wins, which makes some sense given that she was playing a Hollywood icon and had already won at BAFTAs and SAGs.

Blanchett gives one of her usual classy, polished speeches. This would be the great leading lady’s sole Oscar for another 9 years, until she finally won lead for Blue Jasmine.

She ends her speech by thanking Martin Scorsese and saying, “I hope my son will marry your daughter.” It’s cute, and Scorsese likes it.

After that, there’s a tribute to Johnny Carson’s many times hosting the Oscars. It’s dull, so let’s move on to Leonardo DiCaprio, who’s out to present best documentary. Jay-Z approves.

DiCaprio’s speech starts with the phrase, “Today’s reality television craze . . .,” and it got me wondering: do you think Leonardo DiCaprio watches any reality TV? If so, what show? I would guess he watched something like The Summit, but I hope he watches The Challenge. Y’know?

The film Born Into Brothels wins, so Leonardo DiCaprio has said the word “brothels” at the Academy Awards at least twice in his life. Anyway, I don’t want to be weird, but do you see the way director Zana Briski gives a lingering look to DiCaprio here? I mean, I don’t blame her.

Next up, Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom walk out to present best editing.

Bloom bungles the most important part of his job, saying, “and the award goes to” and then correcting himself with, “the Oscar goes to.” Come on, Bloom! Get it together. The Aviator’s Thelma Schoonmaker wins, her first victory here in 24 years.

It’s time for another song. Mike Myers comes out in a Chris Gaines costume and introduces “Accidentally in Love” from the Cannes film Shrek 2.

Counting Crows come out to perform their song. People may roll their eyes at Counting Crows as mere 90s ephemera, but in the early 2000s they performed at my college and it was one of the best live shows I’ve ever been to. They’re the real deal!

Once the rocking and the rolling is over, it’s on to adapted screenplay, presented by Adam Sandler and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Except, oops, CZJ isn’t there. But don’t worry! It’s all part of a bit in which Chris Rock reads CZJ’s lines off the teleprompter, and it’s silly because Adam’s lines are all about how hot CZJ is—but Chris Rock is a man, not a sexy lady.

At least two people really love it.

Jim Taylor and Alexander Payne win for Sideways, a decent win that seems less decent when you realize it beat the exquisite Before Sunset. Oh well.

After that, Jake Gyllenhaal and Zhang Ziyi come out to present special effects. Gyllenhaal was a known quantity, certainly, but this was basically his last big public appearance before he became a really big deal. 2005 was the year of Brokeback Mountain. (And Proof and Jarhead, of course.)

Spider-Man 2 wins, an interesting irony considering that there was a long-standing rumor that Gyllenhaal was going to replace Tobey Maguire in that movie. (Gyllenhaal finally commented on it in 2019.) Hollywood!

Once that’s done, the Academy president comes out for a few remarks and then throws to Al Pacino, who presents Sidney Lumet with an honorary Oscar. Lumet gives Pacino a couple of kisses while the wives of the Sci-Tech winners watch from their own opera box, cursing Scarlett Johansson’s name.

Lumet the film legend gives a nice speech and then we’re on to an… Emmy? At the Oscars?! Emmy Rossum takes the stage to present the third song nominee, “Learn to Be Lonely,” from the film version of The Phantom of the Opera, which was a big old mess and bizarrely starred Gerard Butler.

Beyoncé performs this number, with help from a special guest.

I once met Andrew LLoyd Webber at a party and I called him “Sir Webber,” and the woman he was with looked at me like I’d just spit on him and said “LORD Webber!!” So that was fun. Anyway, here’s Beyoncé singing this trudge of a song. With a little help from that funky phantom himself.

Now it’s on to live action short, presented by Jeremy Irons, whom Rock introduces as “comedy legend Jeremy Irons.” Irons is the only presenter thus far who has acknowledged whatever joke Rock has made about them. Well-played, Irons! Also well-played is when, mid-intro speech, a loud banging noise of mysterious origin interrupts Irons. It kind of sounds like a gunshot? Irons doesn’t miss a beat, saying, “I hope they missed,” sending the audience into hysterics.

I suppose that bit of japery somewhat makes up for the fact that, yet again, awards are being given out in the god-dang audience. It’s a particular shame in this category, because there are some soon-to-be pretty big names among the nominees. There’s Colossal director Nacho Vigalondo, future Oscar-winner Taika Waititi, and the great Andrea Arnold. Her film, Wasp, is the winner, paving the way for a brilliant career.

After that, it’s time for Laura Linney to hand out best animated short.

Among the nominees is Tim Miller, who directed the first Deadpool movie and produced all three Sonic the Hedgehog movies, which were directed by his co-nominee Jeff Fowler. So we’ve got the 2005 Oscar ceremony to thank for that. The prize goes to Ryan, from avant garde animator Chris Landreth. Sorry, Sonic!

It’s back to the main stage for best cinematography, presented by Eternal Sunshine nominee Kate Winslet.

The Aviator wins its fifth (and final) prize of the night. Previous to tonight, the film won the top award at BAFTA and the Golden Globe for best drama. It really does feel like had Million Dollar Baby not come along at the last minute, The Aviator would have taken the evening. But that wasn’t meant to be, which probably led to The Departed—a good but less than ambitious crime movie—becoming Scorsese’s Oscar movie. Clearly the Academy felt bad about what happened this year and wanted to make up for it.

We take a commercial break and then return to Rock, doing the requisite shoutout to Oscar voting accountants PricewaterhouseCoopers. He introduces two of those diligent, secret-keeping people and the joke is that, oop, they’re imposing professional athletes (I think?).

After that, Rock says, “You won’t be able to take your eyes off these next four presenters: Penélope Cruz and Salma Hayek.” Which I think is a breasts joke? It must be. Terrific.

These two people from different countries are paired together to present the two sound categories, mixing and editing. It’s a joy to hear Penélope Cruz say “The Polar Express.”

Ray emerges victorious in mixing, Jamie Foxx seems confused about something?

By the end of the sound guys’ speech, Foxx seems to have come to an understanding.

For sound editing, it’s Salma Hayek’s turn to say “The Polar Express.” Which does not win. The Incredibles does. Actually, “The Incredibles” also sounds nice when Cruz and Hayek say it. That’s why you have them present best sound, I guess!

Once that’s over with, Cruz leaves the stage with the nominees and winners while Hayek sticks around. She’s doing double duty, presenting the next nominated song, “Al otro lado del rio,” from The Motorcycle Diaries (directed by Walter Salles, who is a presence at the Oscars this year with I’m Still Here.) The song is the first Spanish-language tune ever nominated by the Academy, which does feel pretty significant and awfully overdue in a country where lots and lots of people speak Spanish.

Performing the song are Carlos Santana and Antonio Banderas. Yes, that Antonio Banderas. He and Santana are in front of what appears to be the set from a community theater production of Les Misérables.

They finish with a flourish.

During the commercial break, there is an ad for a new TV show.

Want to read a chilling sentence from that doomed show’s Wikipedia? Here you go: “The show averaged 5.5 million viewers in its first season and was initially canceled. However, the network reversed course and announced the show would return as the lead-out from a highly anticipated series, Emily’s Reasons Why Not.” Yikes!! Such high hopes, so swiftly dashed. Though it is funny that Emily’s Reasons Why Not was canceled after its first episode netted 6.2 million viewers. That would be a solid hit these days. Anyway, Macy Gray sang the theme song. Oh, time.

Back to the Oscars. It’s Natalie Portman’s time to present documentary short. A film called Mighty Times: The Children’s March wins, and one of its directors is very excited.

I was doing a little reading about this film and these two directors. It sseems that one of them worked at HBO, but was fired from that job on this very night. He then moved to the Berkshires, met a man and fell in love, and now owns this fancy-seeming boutique in Great Barrington. Good for him!

After that, Chris Rock comes back out and makes a joke about some of the Oscars being given out in the audience. “Next year they’re going to give them out in the parking lot.” He then does a little crowd work, shouting out Johnny Depp.

Rock then jokes that Oprah Winfrey is so rich that John Kerry proposed to her. (That’s a reference to the 2004 presidential election also-ran’s rich wife, a ketchup millionaire.) Oprah isn’t sure what to make of it.

Rock then introduces “Oprah’s favorite white man”: John Travolta, who will present best score.

Samuel L. Jackson is thrilled to see his old coworker.

The woman behind Scarlett Johansson seems suddenly protective of her Oscar.

Jan A. P. Kaczmarek wins for Finding Neverland. On his way to the stage, he receives congratulations from the stars of his film.

During his speech, Kaczmarek says, “I should certainly take the opportunity to be the first person in the room to thank Harvey Weinstein,” who produced the movie. A strange laughter rolls through the room. Man, did Hollywood have a very, very odd and complicated relationship with that asshole for a long time. Winslet is unsure how to react.

After that, Martin Scorsese takes the stage to present the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award.

It is kind of funny that Martin Scorsese and Gisele Bündchen spent a lot of time together in late 2004, early 2005, isn’t it?

Former studio executive and film preservationist Roger Mayer takes the stage to accept his award, and look! Scarlett Johansson and her nerd husbands of the opera box have already produced multiple children.

Mayer gives an amiable speech and then it’s time to list the names of the dead. It’s the In Memoriam segment, this year presented by Annette Bening.

Yo-Yo Ma is on hand to play his little cello while faces of the departed flash on the screen.

Let’s take a look at who we lost in 2004. I’m afraid it was a bloodbath.

We’ve arrived at the final original song nominee: “Believe,” from The Polar Express. The presenter is currently in jail awaiting trial for a host of terrible charges, so I won’t show him again. Let’s just skip to Beyoncé and Josh Groban, who are forced to perform a Christmas song in late February.

Once they’re done crooning, it’s time to give one of the songs an Oscar. Out comes Prince—Prince!—to present the award.

Prince announces that “Al otro lado del rio” has won. It’s a very exciting moment, and songwriter Jorge Drexler bows down to Prince while a happy Antonio Banderas thanks God (Prince).

Drexler sings a little tune on stage and it’s very charming.

Folks, we are getting toward the end of the evening here, if you can believe it. We’re in big category territory. First up is best actress. Here to present the award is last year’s best actor winner, Sean Penn. Remember how a million GIFs ago, I told you that Chris Rock’s Jude Law joke was going to come up again? Well, here is that moment. Penn walks to the mic and says, “Forgive my compromised sense of humor, but I did want to answer our host’s question about who Jude Law is. He’s one of our finest actors.” Get over it, Sean! That was literally hours ago!

The audience applauds awkwardly, and then Penn segues into his formal presenting duties. The nominees’ names are read.

Here’s Golden Globe (comedy) winner Annette Bening.

Spirit Award winner Catalina Sandino Moreno (Maria Full of Grace)

BAFTA winner Imelda Staunton (Vera Drake)

SAG winner Hilary Swank.

And finally, Santa Barbara Film Festival winner Kate Winslet.

And now the moment has arrived. Penn opens the envelope. A nervous anticipation fills the room. Will he say anything else about Jude Law? No: he instead reads the name of the winner. Doesn’t Annette look thrilled?

Swank wins for the second time in five years, kicking off years of heated debate about whether or not that victory was deserved. But there’s nothing we can do about it now, so we might as well watch Swank celebrate. Here she is kissing Clint Eastwood.

Swank says she’s just “a girl from a trailer park with a dream,” and then recognizes the work of her fellow nominees. She is careful to thank her then-husband, Chad Lowe, because she forgot to thank him the first time she won.

It’s a solid speech, if a little staid. Let’s move on. It’s time for what was then called best foreign language film. Gwyneth Paltrow is presenting. She’s introduced by Chris Rock as “the first woman to ever breastfeed an apple,” which is a reference to Paltrow’s kid, obviously, and also isn’t really funny. I guess we’re all getting tired at this point, even our host. Anyway, here comes Paltrow.

Paltrow uses her Spanish skills to announce the winner, The Sea Inside, from director Alejandro Amenábar. Also nominated in this category, by the way, was the German movie Downfall, which gave the world the Hitler freakout scene that became a long-running meme.

Next it’s Samuel L. Jackson’s turn to present.

He’s there for best original screenplay, which goes to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Kate Winslet is very happy.

Charlie Kaufman delivers a short speech, which is appreciated at this late hour. Let’s keep things moving! Charlize Theron takes the stage to present best actor, a category that was pretty much sewn up at this point. Jamie Foxx had won at BAFTA and SAG, and basically cruised to a win here. Throughout the season, Foxx had made a big show of his acceptance speeches, and tonight is no exception. He kicks off with the usual call and response with the audience.

At one point, Foxx thanks his managers and says, “let’s live this African American dream. It’s beautiful. I’m glad I’m with you,” and a lone arm shoots up in agreement.

Foxx—who really is one of the most versatile and engaging performers on the planet, and I hope he acts in a lot more things in the coming years—even manages to get a Sidney Poitier impression into his speech. It’s great!

Foxx closes out on an emotional note, and then it’s on to Julia Robert, who will present the best director award. At one point this was probably going to go to Scorsese, but the Million Dollar Baby wave was just unstoppable. Eastwood takes the stage and gets a kiss from Roberts, who then stops to wipe lipstick off of his face.

Remarkably, Eastwood’s mother is in the audience. She was 96 at the time. Eastwood gives her a shout.

All told, Eastwood’s speech is pretty endearing. And he’s not talking to a stool, pretending it’s Barack Obama. So that’s something. All right, shall we do best picture?

Chris Rock introduces presenters Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand, hot off their French sex farce Meet the Fockers.

Hoffman seems bored to tears reading his scripted patter, but he tries to pep things up with a bit in which he won’t give Streisand the envelope.

Streisand opens the envelope, and then says that she forgot her reading glasses. So Hoffman reads the name of the winning film, whispers it in Streisand’s ear, and then Streisand looks down at the front row and says, “I’m so happy to give you this again, Clint.” Except, this is the first time Streisand has given Eastwood a best picture trophy. In 1994, she gave him best director for Unforgiven. Get your facts straight, Babs.

When Eastwood gets to the stage, he and Streisand make out a little bit.

What’s really going on is Eastwood is saying something to Streisand that is faintly picked up by the mic. He says something to the effect of, “I’m following you all around the country,” or something. Does Streisand clarify that in her memoir?

Eastwood cedes the stage to the film’s other producers, one of whom has a wonderfully gravelly voice that you should listen to if you’re curious.

And that, my friends, is that! Chris Rock closes the show by shouting, “Brooklyn!” Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go finish my last few months of college. It is 2005, after all.