“You’re so selfish!” It’s one of the harshest — and perhaps most common — accusations in a romantic relationships.
Sometimes it’s a remark blurted out in the heat of an argument. But more often, it’s the culmination of months or even years of feeling that the relationship has become fundamentally one-sided — that one partner consistently chooses themself or their own interests above the needs of their partnership or the home in general. They might spend excessive time or money on hobbies or activities outside the home, or even choose to work long hours, leaving the other feeling unseen, depleted and increasingly resentful.
As a couples therapist, I’ve found that successful relationships require equal measures of selflessness and self-interest. We need enough of the former to show that we care deeply about our partner’s happiness and enough of the latter to protect our own well-being. Too much selflessness breeds resentment. Too much self-interest erodes trust. The challenge isn’t choosing one over the other: It’s knowing when each is called for.
Here are the key differences between selfishness and self-interest, and how you can strike the right balance between tending to your own needs and your partner’s.
Why do some people seem more selfish than others?
While there are many potential pathways, people who grow up emotionally or materially deprived often enter adulthood believing there won’t be enough love, attention or security to go around. Their selfishness isn’t necessarily driven by greed so much as fear. They focus on their own needs or are stingy with their time, affection or money because they’re afraid there won’t be more opportunities in the future. Those early experiences may also leave them deeply mistrustful of others, making compromise with a partner feel risky rather than reassuring.
Ironically, the same childhood can produce the opposite pattern. Some people become chronically self-sacrificing. They learn to expect very little, believe they should be grateful for whatever scraps of affection or attention they receive and fear that asking for more will lead to rejection. They confuse prioritizing or asserting their needs with being selfish.
Still others prioritize themselves because they feel entitled to. They believe their needs are more important than anyone else’s, perhaps because they saw this attitude modeled by a caregiver during childhood, or they possess narcissistic traits that make it difficult to recognize their partner’s experience as equally important. For them, compromise feels less like cooperation than humiliation.
Still others aren’t intentionally selfish at all. They’re overwhelmed by work, caregiving, financial pressures, depression or chronic stress. When emotional reserves are depleted, people naturally become more focused on their own survival and less attentive to the needs of those around them.
I’ve also found that sometimes, what one partner experiences as selfishness, the other may experience as fairness.
A spouse who has worked a 10-hour day may feel entitled to relax when they get home. Their partner, who has spent those same 10 hours caring for young children, may feel equally deserving of a break. Neither is necessarily selfish. They’re simply operating from different assumptions about what each has contributed and what each deserves.
How selfishness spreads
Couples are constantly shaping each other through positive and negative feedback loops. In healthy relationships, acts of generosity tend to inspire generosity in return. Feeling appreciated makes us want to be more considerate. But the reverse is equally true. Selfish behavior often provokes more selfish behavior.
“You never tell me when you’re going out with your friends, so why should I tell you when I’m going out with mine?”
“You don’t make time for my family, so I’m not making time for yours.”
Before long, each person feels justified by the other’s behavior, and negotiation gives way to scorekeeping. Rather than asking, “What’s best for us?” each begins asking, “Why should I be the only one trying?”
While reciprocal selfishness is the more common pattern, reciprocal self-sacrifice can also damage a relationship. When neither partner feels entitled to ask for what they want, both quietly accumulate disappointment while insisting they’re “fine” or deferring to the other’s preferences. Neither gets enough of what they need, and intimacy suffers as a result.
The difference between selfishness and self-interest
Healthy self-interest is not the enemy of a good relationship. In fact, it’s one of its foundations.
Healthy self-interest means setting boundaries, pursuing meaningful goals, protecting your physical and emotional health, and asking directly for what you need. It recognizes that your needs matter — but so do your partner’s.
Selfishness, by contrast, looks like pursuing personal wants regardless of the cost to the relationship. It involves dismissing or minimizing your partner’s needs, expecting accommodation without reciprocity and resisting compromise.
The healthiest couples don’t choose between caring for themselves and caring for each other. They learn to do both.
How to find the balance
- Don’t wait for permission to pursue what brings you joy, but don’t ignore your partner’s need for compromise. For example, “There’s a class I’d like to take that meets Tuesday and Wednesday evenings. I know that means you won’t have my help getting the kids to bed, so I’m wondering if there’s some kind of trade that would work for you?”
- Be assertive about your needs while remaining genuinely open to negotiation. So instead of capitulating at the first sign of resistance from your partner, deepen your understanding of their concerns, be willing to compromise, and consider if there’s a reasonable alternative, but continue to emphasize the importance of what you need.
- Learn what brings your partner meaning, pleasure and relief, and make those things matter to you. A helpful exercise is to have each of you write a list of 10 specific things that make you feel happy, loved or cared for, then commit to doing at least two things from your partner’s list each week.
- If setting limits or asking for what you need feels impossible, consider working with a therapist or taking an assertiveness course.
The strongest relationships aren’t built on endless sacrifice or relentless self-protection. They’re built by two people who believe both deserve to flourish, both voices should be heard, and both sets of needs belong at the table.
If you have a question for a therapist about mental health, relationships, sleep, dating or any other topic, email it to [email protected], and we may feature it in a future column.
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