As my friends and I always say: If you can sit in silence with your partner while you both do separate activities, you know you’re in a healthy relationship. We often joke that “parallel play” is crucial to the success of a relationship.
For example, you might be engrossed in a novel while your partner is playing video games. Or maybe your lover is working on a music project while you’re drawing. Whatever the case, you’re simply enjoying each other’s presence without the need to constantly engage with each other. You both can occupy yourselves, but being in each other’s company elevates the experience even more.
Researchers explored the psychology behind “shared silence” in couples—and many believe silence can actually be a powerful form of communication. In a series of four studies published in Motivation and Emotion, experts worked with college students and adults to understand the experience of silence within intimate relationships.
Is ‘Shared Silence’ Indicative of a Healthy Relationship?
Netta Weinstein of the United Kingdom’s University of Reading and her colleagues defined four types of silence: Intrinsically motivated silence (“driven by basic needs of self”), introjected silence (driven by “self-imposed pressures and demands on themselves to say or do the right thing”), externally motivated silence (occurring “in reaction to one’s romantic partner”), and spontaneous silence (“shared without a salient motivating reason”).
“In four studies, we tested the motives of silence and corresponding affect and relationship quality, operationalized through psychological need satisfactions and inclusion of other into self. Studies relied on complementary methods to explore the phenomenon of silence, namely cross-sectional, daily diary, and experimental designs,” the study abstract reads.
Participants were able to justify their silence via reasons like, “Because it was fun, enjoyable, and added to the feeling of intimacy between me and my partner,” “Because I feared he/she would be mad at me if I said something,” “Because I wanted revenge for something that happened,” “Because my partner said they would spend time with me later,” “For no reason at all, it just happened that way,” etc.
“Findings across studies showed that intrinsically motivated silence was felt with more positive affect and less negative affect and that relationships were closer and more need-satisfying during intrinsically motivated moments of silence,” the study authors explained.
On the other hand, however, “Introjected and externally motivated silences … were often linked to more negative affect and lower relational outcomes. Spontaneous moments of silence were not consistently linked to affect or need satisfaction.”
So, is shared silence a sign of a healthy relationship? Well, it depends on the motivation behind your silence. If you’re silent because you feel comfortable and content, that appears to be a positive sign. But if you’re silent out of fear or as a form of punishment, well, it’s quite the opposite.
Moral of the story? According to Weinstein, lead study author, “We don’t always need to fill up the space with conversation: Silent moments can be powerful ways to connect.”
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