Losing friends is never easy, but it’s an inevitable part of life. Over time, we outgrow certain relationships or perhaps even experience friendship “breakups” with dramatic endings. Whatever the case, there’s no shame in drifting apart from someone you once considered a close pal.
However, there are ways to ensure you maintain the connections that matter most to you. Like all relationships, friendships require work and nurturing—or, as experts call it, friendkeeping.
What Is Friendkeeping?
Friendkeeping is exactly as it sounds: keeping your friends over time.
“Friendkeeping refers to the efforts people put into maintaining an emotional connection with their friendships,” says Dr. Max Doshay, Co-Founder & Chief Executive Officer of KMN Psych. “Friendkeeping has nothing to do with how often you see or speak with each other; it’s about taking interest in each other and showing thoughtfulness regularly.”
Many people believe you must be in constant contact with your friend to maintain your connection. However, true friends make time for each other while also acknowledging they have separate, busy lives. At the end of the day, you show up for each other when it’s important.
“When done well, friendkeeping provides a feeling of security,” says Dr. Doshay. “Having confidence that a friend will be there when you need them, celebrating with you during good times, giving you room to express negative emotions—all of these aspects contribute to building trust within a friendship.”
4 Friendkeeping Tips Nurture Your Friendships
1. Adapt to Different Life Stages Together
Many friends drift apart when they enter different phases of life. However, just because your friend is married with a baby on the way while you’re single and hustling in your career doesn’t mean you can’t still maintain a connection.
“Adapting to the different stages of life is a big part of friendkeeping,” says Dr. Doshay. “A person may experience many things in the course of his/her lifetime (i.e., career, marriage, children, moving away, etc.) which could potentially reduce the amount of time he/she spends with close friends. But these events don’t have to negatively affect the level of importance he/she places on those friendships.”
The trick is finding ways to adapt to each other’s lifestyles while finding common ground. When you care about someone, you will take interest in their current life and what’s important to them—and vice versa. This might mean you show up to their kids’ birthday parties or sporting events while they attend your birthday dinners and career milestones.
2. Be Consistent With Your Follow-Through
Like with most relationships in life, consistency is crucial in maintaining a solid connection. Showing up for the big moments, like weddings and funerals, is important, but the small moments in between deserve just as much attention.
“It is easier to show you genuinely care about your friends through consistent follow-through rather than doing big things occasionally,” says Dr. Doshay. “Even just checking in with a friend briefly, or remembering one of their birthdays, or showing interest in what your friend has been sharing will give them evidence of caring.”
3. Practice Curiosity
You know the quote by author Heidi Priebe: “To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be.” Our friends will inevitably change over time, as will we. It’s important not to hold them to the same standards you once did, and to continuously be curious about who they are today.
“Rather than simply assume we know our friend based on how long we have known each other, it is better to ask questions of them and learn who they are becoming now that their priorities and life circumstances have changed,” says Dr. Doshay.
4. Address Underlying Tension
As we get older and potentially drift apart from old friends, healthy, open communication becomes crucial. For example, you might not have the same proximity and hours together as you once had with your college friends, who you lived with in your early 20s. Once physical distance, busyness, and life changes hit, we must be willing to talk through inevtbile disconnects or tense moments.
“Ultimately, good friendships require both open, honest communication (i.e., addressing issues promptly) and some degree of flexibility,” says Dr. Doshay. “If there are minor miscommunications between two people, these should be addressed respectfully so as not to create distance.”
“Even though relationships typically go through periods where contact becomes less frequent,” he continues, “if the relationship remains flexible and open, then the friendship can remain valuable and fulfilling.”
The post The Friendship Habit That Can Help You Keep Close Friends for Life appeared first on VICE.
