Goodnight, Goon. Elon Musk Is Whispering ‘Cuts,’ Sleeping on the Floor Near the White House

Apparently, we can let sleeping DOGEs lie: Elon Musk has been sleeping on the floor in his office across the street from the White House, unnamed “Republican sources in Musk’s orbit” told People in a report published Thursday.

Musk and his goofily-named, wow-that-really-exists Department of Government Efficiency have been intent on the government budget slash-and-burn mission since Donald Trump took office. They say that evil never sleeps, but apparently tech kajillionaires who have pretty bananapants power over federal infrastructure do, hence Musk’s alleged lil DOGE naps in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. Stripping vulnerable and minority groups of their protections and advocates can really take it out of a guy, not to mention flipping science the fiscal bird!

The EEOB is right across from the West Wing, and Musk is said to get comfy at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago when he’s down in Florida, so maybe it’s a matter of proximity and comfort. Ssshhh, he’s right there, he might whisper to himself, gazing out at the windows of Casa Trump, the TV’s soft blue light flickering in the night, his palm pressed to the glass of his own office. It’s okay.

Musk has also spoken about his couch-surfing in the past, like when he said that he slept on the floor in Tesla factories and didn’t have time to go home and shower. It’s nice to have a hobby, which in Musk’s case seems to be… his jobby. It’s not like Musk can’t afford a place of his own in D.C., MAGA real estate boom or no. This is a choice, just like triaging federal decisions via public poll on social media. Note that we didn’t say those are good choices. Just—choices.

One of those orbital Republicans told People that as far as administrative structures to sleep in, you could do worse than the EEOB. After all, it has “great amenities, including a cafeteria and bowling alley.” Cool. The source added that Musk’s 4-year-old son, X Æ A-Xii, whom he shares with singer Grimes, “is around quite a bit” too. Siri, play “This Used to Be My Playground.” Ahh, the halcyon days of childhood. You just never forget those carefree moments with your dad, just two cool dudes trying to burn down the IRS, side by side.

It seems like the time could be ripe for a Goodnight Moon reboot—a little Goodnight MAGA, if you will. Picture it: Same great green room, same red balloon, new president.

Goodnight morals / And goodnight diversity / Goodnight White House / And goodnight bodily autonomy

Goodnight combover / And goodnight toothbrush (since fluoride is going by the wayside) / Goodnight human rights / Goodnight Musk / And goodnight to the made-up government agency whispering, “cuts.”