I canceled my digital subscription to a daily newspaper a couple of months ago, but the company still gives me total access to its content. Is it ethical to keep reading it? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
If your subscription to the Pear of the Month Club lapses and the boxes of pears keep coming — fragrant Forelles, blushing Bon Rouges, Weston-ready Williamses — your gain is someone’s loss. But for a news outlet, the marginal cost of supporting an online subscriber is close to zero. What might impose a cost is the task of cutting off your lingering access; someone will have to spend time looking into what has happened.
You should still alert the newspaper. For all you know, the site routinely leaves accounts open for a period — possibly because it takes a while for the system to revoke access, or because they want to remind you of the value of what they provide, or, less honorably, because they want to maintain user-engagement stats for advertisers. But maybe it’s just a glitch which the newspaper needs to fix. Journalism is increasingly dependent on digital subscribers, and if a glitchy system causes the publication to lose out on subscription revenue, their business model could, as the Brits say, go pear-shaped. An honest person would send them a message telling them what has happened. Then, if the account remains open, you can use it in good conscience.
Even so, the fact that you’re still checking the content suggests it has value for you. Could your cancellation be worth reconsidering? These have been brutal times for news organizations, with a very few notable exceptions. While citizen journalism has its place, professional journalism — with its skilled reporters, photographers, editors, illustrators and more — requires real investment. Their work shows us worlds beyond our own and can subject our institutions and systems of governance to critical scrutiny. We’re already seeing the consequences of diminished local reporting, and if more newspapers fold, we’ll all pay the price. The fruits of journalism don’t come free, and they nourish our democracy.
Readers Respond
The Ethicist recently answered questions about sex and love as part of a special magazine issue on relationships.
Readers responded enthusiastically (rather passionately, actually) to the conundrum of the happily married woman seeking sex with another man. In her letter, she wrote: I am a healthy, physically fit woman in my late 50s, married for more than two decades. My marriage remains fun, engaging, compassionate and passionate; we still have a very active sex life. Our children are grown and thriving. While my husband has been unfaithful a few times over the years (many years ago now), I chose forgiveness and relationship work. I have, however, developed a menopausal sex drive that has increased rather than withered — and a rather deep desire to experience sex with one other man before I die or get too old. … I have researched a plan as follows: 1) Fly to a major coastal city; 2) Hire an escort from a reputable service and have sex with him in a nice hotel; 3) Fly home and get an S.T.I. screen (although I’d obviously have practiced safe sex). I have never been unfaithful to my husband. In fact, I had sex with only two other men before I met him. This desire is definitely not the result of latent hostility for his long-ago indiscretions (I’ve thought it through for several years now), and, according to my husband, I do have two opportunities to even the score with impunity. Nevertheless, I don’t want him to know because I don’t want to hurt him, and it would. … What do you think?
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “I won’t quibble with your statements of fact or your careful plans. … We’re still left with the questions of what you owe yourself, your husband and your marriage. … Your strongest argument is that your husband, presumably apologizing for his own infidelities, told you that he wouldn’t blame you if you strayed a couple of times yourself. But that’s not exactly consent: It isn’t the proverbial ‘‘hall pass,’’ granting permission in advance. Instead, it’s a pledge of forgiveness for a wrong. I appreciate your wanting to protect his feelings, and sometimes people do prefer ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ situations. The trouble is that you can’t know what he’d prefer without giving him the chance to tell you. If you proceed with your off-the-books booty call, you’d be making a choice for both of you about what information he gets to have concerning his own marriage, denying him agency in the situation. It would be a betrayal of marital trust, something you’ve had painful experience with yourself. Secrets in a marriage, meanwhile, can carry emotional costs for the secret-keeper. I wonder if you could find a path to work through these feelings together, and maybe come up with other ways to add excitement to your relationship. Whatever you choose, make sure you can wake up the next morning at peace with who you are, both as a lover and as a partner.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I take issue with the Ethicist’s advice to the woman who would like to have a sexual encounter with a man outside her long-term marriage. Do the math: The letter writer has been married for more than two decades. She is in her late 50s. She probably married in her 30s and she says she had only two sex partners before getting married. This restraint netted her … what? A third partner who turned out to be unfaithful. Because of gender expectations, it is probable that her husband wasn’t equally restrained before marriage, and it is clear that he was not after they married. Now the Ethicist advises her that she should share her desire for variety with her previously unfaithful husband. To what end? Either he agrees to the experimentation (which will bring up future complications, like guilt), or he convinces her to repress her desires, which will curtail her own wishes, no doubt causing the attendant frustration. She has figured out a way to satisfy herself, while minimizing the damage to her relationship. This woman owes herself the experience. If it turns out badly, tant pis. If it turns out well, she is very likely to return to her husband satisfied that she has fulfilled those wishes. And if she wants to give it another go, then it speaks more of her general dissatisfaction with the marriage than this specific desire. In any case, it is doubtful that putting this longing “on ice” will quell any of the fire, and I find the Ethicist’s advice to be tinged with wishful thinking and more than a bit of bias. — Froster
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Sorry, but this is not for a man to answer. The letter writer is not alone in her desire to have sex with another man. My response is this: Turn off the guilt switch, and go ahead with your plan. It may be great, it may be mediocre, it may be awful. It doesn’t matter. You can’t spend the rest of your life wondering how it would have been. You’re obviously a smart woman. You’ll deal with the outcome. Take it from one who knows. — Lindsay
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Mostly, I agree with the Ethicist’s response, however, I think he missed the opportunity to share a reasonable suggestion. Sometimes after a very long and happy relationship, partners need more variety in their sex life. A sex counselor can help, and role-playing is terrific too. The husband can pretend to be a stranger on the beach, and they can live out the fantasy with new tools. — Z
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I can offer a little insight because I experienced the same thing, but from the husband’s perspective. My wife and I had been married for more than 30 years when she started going through menopause and her libido increased drastically. Our sex life was similar, although we started having relationship problems, and she was depressed a lot of the time. Looking back, I realize I could never give her the excitement of someone new. She had a texting affair, and it all blew up. We had to work through a lot. It was very painful, and we managed to keep our relationship, but there’s no erasing the damage. There will always be scars. We had a come-to-Jesus moment and decided that we did love each other and would work together to repair our relationship. We had an enormous (and I do mean enormous) amount of sex, which was wonderful and satisfying for both of us. So for the author of the letter, it does sound as if she has been thinking intensely about it and has it all planned out. Unfortunately, plans don’t always work out, and the consequences can be tragic. I would not be surprised if one encounter did not meet her needs, and things could easily spiral out of control. And ironically, after my wife got through menopause, her sex drive went to zero, and mine did not. I would suggest that an open and frank conversation with her husband and a counselor would be helpful. I am sure it will be hurtful for her husband to discuss her issue, but not nearly as painful or damaging for both of them if she proceeds with her plans and her husband finds out.— Bill
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No question. Just a congrats on this series of sex questions. I’m impressed with the Ethicist’s responses. These are all interesting scenarios that I imagine many have faced. His direct and compassionate responses are admirable. — Kate
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