Have you ever dated someone who made false promises about the future with zero intention on following through, causing you to waste months or even years of your life while trusting that partner blindly?
No? Well, lucky you.
Unfortunately, the dating scene today isn’t as straightforward for everyone. We’ve got our serial cheaters, our compulsive liars, and our emotional manipulators, among others. And one particular problem many hopeless romantics face is the dreaded “future faker.” The seemingly perfect partner who showers you with love and affection, talking a big game about your lives together while secretly prioritizing their own desires or working toward an entirely different outcome—all while keeping you in the dark, of course.
According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, future faking is common among narcissists. She says it involves making false promises about the future to appeal to a partner’s wants and needs—but with the goal of getting what you want in the end. For example, a narcissistic person might tell you they want marriage and children (because they know you want that)—but not until they get their dream job, which will require you to financially support them until then.
As the years pass and you dump thousands of dollars into rent to house the both of you, they go back on their promise, and you feel it’s too late, as you’ve already invested in the relationship.
While this could happen unintentionally, with one person changing their mind and actively communicating that to their partner, future faking occurs when one individual purposefully lies or deceives their partner just to get what they want. For instance, they might know you would leave if you don’t share the same life goals, so they tell you a shameless lie to keep you in the relationship.
“Future faking isn’t about talking about the future in a hopeful way, that’s just wishful thinking,” Dr. Ramani explained in a more recent video.
So, how exactly do you avoid a future faker?
In his Psychology Today article on future faking, Bruce Y. Lee, M.D., M.B.A., recommended asking yourself the following questions:
- How realistic are your partner’s future visions, and how do they react when you question said visions?
- How are they working toward their future visions?
- Do they often fulfill their promises to you?
- Do they apologize and take accountability when they have failed to fulfill said promises?
- Do you feel rushed or pressured into something you’re not ready for?
- What are your partner’s motivations?
Overall, Lee said, listen to your intuition. Oftentimes, we know ourselves and our relationships best. If you feel someone is faking or manipulating you, don’t ignore the signs—and don’t overcommit or invest too much of anything if you’re not ready.
The post Future Faking: Yet Another Dating Red Flag You Need to Watch Out for appeared first on VICE.
