A high-ranking colleague at work died recently. It was unexpected; she was in her 50s. Dozens of people in the organization, including the C.E.O., are heaping praise on her and saying how badly she will be missed. We’ve all been asked to contribute to a sympathy gift for her family and to attend her funeral. The problem? She was a dreadful colleague: an arrogant, narcissistic bully who belittled everyone in the organization, including me. Nobody wanted to work on her projects. I can’t understand the outpouring of love for her now that she’s gone, and I refuse to be a part of it. Must I contribute to her memorial gift and attend her funeral?
CO-WORKER
I suspect that in your haste to call out what you see as the hypocrisy of valorizing an unpleasant colleague, you’ve made two big errors in judgment. The lesser of them is assuming that your opinions about this woman are objective fact. You are entitled to hold her in low esteem, of course, but I am virtually certain that not “everyone” found her bullying or that “nobody” wanted to work with her. That’s simply not how life — or opinion — operates.
More concerning, though, is your inability to sympathize with the grief of your colleague’s family and friends. I get that she hurt your feelings, but you must be able to see that she was also a human being and that her death will be heartbreaking for those who cared about her. My hunch is that you didn’t give this enough thought before landing on your harsh judgment, and I’m hoping you will consider it further now.
This does not require that you become a member of her admiration society. Nor do you have to attend her funeral or donate to a memorial gift. Those are personal decisions, and there is no reason to give in to peer pressure. My only request is that you try to open your heart and take a more generous view of your colleague’s life and her untimely death.
Host the Thanksgiving You Want
My husband and I want to invite my cousin and his wife to a small Thanksgiving dinner at our house. But I feel obligated to include my brother and his family, too. His teenage son is intolerable, and his wife is a bump on a log. There are other children, too, so when they come, it’s a big group. We’ve had them over many times before, and they lack common courtesy. My brother tries to moderate their behavior to little effect. Still, he would be hurt not to be invited. Last year, we felt so bad about excluding them that we didn’t celebrate at home. Is it possible not to invite them without hurt feelings?
SISTER
Don’t arrange your life (or major holidays) around guilt — especially when it’s based solely on your intuition about other people’s feelings. You claim your brother will be hurt if you don’t entertain his large family at your small dinner. But if he really wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving with you, wouldn’t it be easier for him and his wife to add two place settings to their large table than for you to add five or six to your small one? Yet I gather you have not received an invitation.
Tell him: “I’m inviting our cousin and his wife for a small Thanksgiving this year. I don’t have the energy for a big extravaganza.” If I were your brother, I would see that as perfectly reasonable. Bonus: It’s true!
I Feel a Chill in the Air. Our Friends Must Be Pregnant.
My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for several months. So far, we have not succeeded, and we are starting to feel the strain. Another couple with whom we are friendly is also trying. Lately, they’ve become cold and distant to us. We suspect that they’re pregnant and don’t know how to tell us, but we don’t want to broach the subject in case we’re wrong or they’re not ready to share their news. It’s getting tense. What should we do?
WIFE
You may be right about the pregnancy of this other couple, but you may just as well be wrong. You’ve spun your theory out of thin air! Fortunately, you and your wife know firsthand what a sensitive time this can be. A few months of chilly encounters seems like a small price to pay to respect the privacy of a couple during a delicate time. Instead of speculating about your friends’ health, now is the time to focus on you. Take care of yourselves, OK?
How Soon Is Too Soon to Disclose My Bagel Order?
I will be car-pooling for several hours with some new friends. One of them offered to pick up bagels for the group, and she asked us to send her our orders. I like a scooped bagel, toasted, with scallion cream cheese and smoked salmon. Is it too high maintenance to make such a detailed request?
FRIEND
Well, it’s not exactly an easygoing order, but it’s probably fine. I assume your friend will call or text your group’s orders to her local bagel shop. So, what difference does a few extra details make? Text her your order — and add: “And if you think this is a lot, wait until you hear me order coffee.” Self-awareness can be a saving grace.
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