In our circle, many couples consist of one partner who is dynamic and interesting and one who is … well, a dud. Usually, it’s the husbands who are dull. When we make plans with these couples, the lively wives often drop out at the last minute because of suspicious work crises or illnesses. When they inform me, they say, “But my husband will still be there.” Or if I’m inviting them to dinner, the wife will say, “I have plans that night, but my husband would love to come.” I feel used. I’m all for giving harried spouses a break from each other, but with one couple, the fun wife has been a no-show three times in two months! It feels risky to invite them. How can we address this problem without hurt feelings?
WIFE
I am not a fan of generalizations by gender: Women are lively; men are duds. They don’t ring true to my experience: Good company comes in all flavors! You also seem to be ignoring the simpler explanation here: If the wives’ excuses are untrue, as you seem to imply, isn’t it more likely that they’re avoiding you and your parties, not their husbands? Unless you seat couples side by side — which is unusual, in my experience — it’s not their husbands they’re avoiding. So, who’s the dullard now?
Still, when you invite a couple to dinner and the wife says, “I’m not free, but my husband would love to come,” it’s perfectly reasonable to shut that down. Respond: “No, let’s wait until you’re both available.” That’s not hurtful. You are simply expressing a preference to see both of them.
On the other hand, if a guest bails repeatedly at the last minute from established dates — but still offers to send her spouse — you have a choice. If the dinner is a cozy foursome, postpone as above. (“Let’s do it when you can both make it.”) But if it’s a larger dinner that will proceed without any one guest, it would be unkind to exclude a husband because of his wife’s sudden unavailability. Still, if an invitee pulled this stunt frequently, I would stop inviting the couple. They are unreliable guests.
Ah, Ah, Ah, Forgot to Say the Magic Word
My daughter got engaged recently. We are thrilled, and I have started to share the news with my closest friends. Most of them congratulated me immediately. But one friend replied to my text by asking where the wedding would be. No congratulations, just the question. When I called him a few days later to tell him I was perturbed by his response, he refused to apologize — even after much discussion. I feel deeply offended and wonder if I still want to be friends with him. Am I being reasonable?
MOTHER
I’m sorry that you’re upset. But let’s review: You sent a newsy text — to which your friend replied with a newsy question (and without typing the word “congratulations”). If I were in his situation, and you called a few days later to ask for an apology, I would think you were being silly. Rather than trying to control conversations with friends — or script them — why not let them show you, in their own way, that they care about you?
No Matter What, Make Sure to Park at an Angle
I live in a busy neighborhood in San Francisco where many large Victorian houses are broken up into multiple housing units. Some have garages, but most residents park on the street or in public lots. My neighbors have a garage at their one-family home. Still, they usually park on the street in front of my house. Their actions are not illegal, but they seem selfish to me. May I point this out to them?
NEIGHBOR
I get that you resent your neighbors. But you don’t mention having difficulty finding parking on your street. You also didn’t note how many drivers with cars live under your neighbor’s roof. Or why you believe that the space in front of your house would be magically free if they stopped parking there. It’s a “busy neighborhood,” right?
It can be tempting to fall into grievance mode (I do it all the time!), but your neighbors aren’t doing anything wrong simply because they aren’t maximizing your parking opportunities. I wouldn’t complain. That space on the street doesn’t belong to you, and your neighbors’ legal parking is none of your business.
A Front-Seat Battle Over D.J. Duty
My wife and I have a longstanding debate about selecting music or podcasts for car rides. Obviously, it’s best to take turns. But when that’s not possible — say, the drive is the length of one album or one podcast episode — who gets to choose? I say the driver, who is doing all the work. But my wife believes that passengers should decide: They have nothing else to entertain them. You?
HUSBAND
I know this conflict well. But it’s not strictly necessary to turn it into a zero-sum game, in which victory for one is total defeat for the other. I bet if you dig a little, you can find an album or podcast that both of you like just fine. Sure, it may not be your heart’s desire, but it will work in a pinch. Compromise is mighty!
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