In her will, my grandmother divided her estate equally among my mother and her four adult grandchildren. But there was a separate bequest of $13,000 to my mother — before the calculation of anyone else’s share — to help my younger sister with her I.V.F. treatments. This means that most of us are about $3,000 worse off because of this bequest that none of us knew about. Is it reasonable to expect my sister to reimburse us for this sweetheart deal that we were not a part of? When I asked my mother and sister gently for an explanation, I got the runaround and felt that I was attacked for being confrontational. They think I should be more sensitive to my sister’s fertility issues. But I can’t help feeling ripped off!
GRANDDAUGHTER
If your feelings are hurt by your grandmother’s will — if you think that she played favorites among her grandchildren, for instance, or that she prioritized your sister’s fertility issues above your needs — I sympathize with you. Many people see gifts as proxies for love and believe that children (and grandchildren) should be treated equally in wills — down to the last penny.
You don’t mention hurt feelings, though. Instead, you imply that your grandmother owed you an explanation for her will. (She did not. Many lawyers recommend transparency in estate planning, but it is not a requirement.) Now I don’t know the circumstances here, but if you believe that your grandmother was pressured or hoodwinked — you call it a “sweetheart deal” — you may certainly consult a lawyer. But I suspect this is not what you’re suggesting.
It seems more likely that your charges stem from a misunderstanding: We are not entitled to receive a penny from our parents or grandparents when they die. No one stole $3,000 from you because it was never yours to steal. People leave their money as they choose. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel bad if you think you’ve been slighted. But your grandmother had every right to help your sister with extraordinary medical expenses — regardless of how you feel about it.
No Need to Bring the Torah Into This
Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement in Judaism, is coming up. Earlier this year, my longtime therapist hurt me badly. Although I have given her opportunities to apologize, she has not done so. She has not even acknowledged that she harmed me. This has been devastating for me, and I ended our therapeutic relationship. I know that she observes Yom Kippur. May I ask her to apologize in the spirit of the holiday? Even if she doesn’t apologize directly, it would make me feel better if she conveyed her intention to atone for her behavior.
PATIENT
I hate to be a word nerd here — I know you’re hurting — but when you say you have “given her opportunities” to apologize, does that mean you told your former therapist directly that she hurt you, and how? If you have, and she didn’t apologize or dispute your interpretation of events, I would move on — and congratulate yourself for terminating your therapy with her.
But if you haven’t been clear with your former therapist, it may be helpful to book another session to discuss the issue. Misunderstandings happen! But using Yom Kippur to get what you want — though inventive — is manipulative and irrelevant to your therapeutic relationship.
And Roomie’s Boyfriend Makes Three
My best friend and I have wanted to be roommates for years, but the timing was never right until now. We were thrilled! Then she reminded me that her boyfriend of six months stays with her every Friday night, all day Saturday and most Saturday nights. (He lives far away, and they only see each other on the weekends.) The idea of an extra person in the apartment every weekend makes my stomach churn. What should I do?
FRIEND
Trust your instincts. (And good for your bestie for raising this issue before you moved in together!) A regular weekly houseguest, as your friend proposes, becomes a quasi roommate. So: Will he leave the bathroom and kitchen tidy? Will he contribute to the costs of the apartment? Will you feel comfortable with him there? To me, it sounds as if the timing is still not right. One thought, though: Would it make a difference to you if your friend agreed to alternate weekends between his place and your shared one?
Forget the Bubbly: It’s the Thought That Sparkles
My mother-in-law gave my husband and me a bottle of Champagne for our anniversary. The only issue: I stopped drinking two years ago because it had become a big problem for me. I thought she knew. Is it OK to thank her warmly for thinking of us and return the Champagne with an explanation of why I can’t accept it?
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
Of course! A thank you and brief explanation seem like the perfect combo here. You don’t want a family member — and possibly a regular gift giver — sending you more booze. And it isn’t fair to expect your mother-in-law to know you’ve stopped drinking until you tell her directly. Personally, I might regift the Champagne rather than return it. The latter may smack of rejection. (Also: Well done on managing your drinking!)
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