Situationships are unfortunately commonplace today. In fact, many singles will spend months with a noncommittal partner, justifying the other person’s actions and downplaying their own emotions. However, this dynamic is still just as toxic as it was when it first became popular years ago.
If you find yourself trapped in a situationship from hell, take this as your sign to break free. Here are four tips to help you finally walk away from your toxic situationship.
1. Create a ‘Reality List’
Rather than ruminating over your favorite positive memories—as many of us do when in the breakup stages of a relationship—create a “reality list” that reminds you just how unhappy you are in the situationship.
“Writing down how your situation really works as opposed to how you want it to work can be one of the best strategies for getting out of a bad situation,” says Kat Grassetti, LCSW, Clinical Director at Monima and an EMDR practitioner specializing in women’s mental health. “We all have an unconscious tendency to romanticize our emotional high points in relationships and ignore or diminish the number of times we are disappointed. Writing down the truth about what is happening in your relationship provides an opportunity to make better choices based on facts rather than just wishes.”
2. Replace the Emotional Habit
Sometimes, getting over a person is more about breaking the habit of speaking to them and/or seeing them on a regular basis—and much less about actually working through your feelings for them. This is especially true when it comes to situationships, as the emotions involved are more addictive than genuine in nature.
“Many individuals find that what they miss is not their ‘person’ but the daily routine of texting, checking in, etc., and/or the anticipation of receiving attention,” Grassetti told VICE. “I recommend my clients replace this routine with more significant/meaningful rituals (i.e., make a phone call to an old friend, write down your thoughts/journal, exercise, join a class, etc.). As you change the routine, it will decrease the emotional pull, therefore making it easier for them to move on.”
3. Stop Searching for Closure
Perhaps the most difficult part about ending a situationship is not knowing what “could have been.” However, if you truly want to move on, you must be willing to let go of the “perfect ending” you had in mind. You gain closure by choosing yourself.
“People often feel a strong emotional attachment due to their desire for a last-minute conversation in order to explain all of the questions left unanswered,” says Grassetti. “Although waiting for this type of perfect closure may provide an individual with some sense of resolution for several months, it is rare that this type of emotional closure will occur.”
4. Reflect on Your Sense of Emotional Safety
Often, what makes a situationship so addictive is the emotional rollercoaster you endure while in it. Healthy relationships should bring you peace and emotional safety.
“I always tell my clients that they may be confusing an intense or strong attraction to a potential partner as compatibility,” says Grassetti. “To help them clarify whether their feelings are healthy (or unhealthy) or simply based on attraction, I encourage them to take some time to reflect on how they have felt during interactions with this individual; specifically: ‘Do you generally feel calm, treated with respect, and emotionally safe when interacting with this person?’ The difference is important—relationships are built on emotional safety rather than on emotional unpredictability.”
The post How to End a Toxic Situationship, According to a Therapist appeared first on VICE.
