My cousin’s young children are out of control: They hit one another, run in circles around the dinner table and nearly topple their grandmother. My cousin seems stressed and bone-tired as she tries to negotiate better behavior. (She rarely says no. It’s more like: “Honey, would you like to sit down?” Apparently not.) Meanwhile, her husband is usually off in a corner talking about hockey. My cousin and I have always been close. I’d say I’m a big sister figure to her, but she hasn’t asked for my advice about parenting. My children are grown. But when they were small, we did a good job balancing limits and fun. I’ve offered to take the kids for the day so she could have some time to herself, but she hasn’t taken me up on it. I certainly don’t want to give unsolicited advice, but I’d love to help. Thoughts?
COUSIN
I agree that giving unsolicited parenting advice to your cousin is a bad idea. However much you want to help, it is none of your business how she raises her children. And I’d wager that she’s already clocked your negative judgment of her parenting and marriage. (We tend to give ourselves away.)
I think this problem requires a different approach: radical empathy. You have to set aside your beliefs that you were a better parent, your children were better behaved and your husband was a better partner — and simply identify with your cousin. And you may not be able to do this. If so, there’s not much room for you to help.
But if you can, you may be a tremendous ally to your cousin. Tell her: “Seeing you with the kids reminds me how hard it was being a young mother. Some days, I could barely manage. How are you coping?” She is more likely to accept a humble offer of emotional support than an annoying list of ways she could be doing the job better. So, it’s up to you: Can you pull that off?
The Best-Friend Exception
My best friend has naturally been involved in planning my wedding. My fiancé and I intended to marry on the East Coast, but our guest list quickly ballooned to 350 people. So, we opted for a smaller destination wedding of 200 people in his home country. (It’s an eight-hour flight.) The issue: When I told my friend that we still had to cut longtime acquaintances from the list, she replied that she intended to bring one as her plus one. I told her she doesn’t have a plus one (our rule is “living together or with a ring, you can bring”), but there will be plenty of single friends there. This went over like a lead balloon. Am I wrong?
FRIEND
It’s your wedding, so you and your fiancé can create the guest list you want (and can afford). And there is nothing wrong with setting a threshold for plus ones at cohabitation or engagement. Still, there may be room for limited exceptions here.
I imagine you speak to your best friend far more often than you do to most of your 200 guests, for instance. And an even smaller number of them is actually helping you plan the wedding. These factors don’t mean you have to make an exception for her, but they’re worth considering. (I also suspect that fewer people will fly eight hours for your big day than you currently imagine.)
An Ungenerous Response to a Charitable Request
Twice in the past few months, I have been asked to donate to GoFundMe campaigns for people who are going through rough times. I know these people but have no relationship with them, and the intended recipients have people in their lives who could provide the requested financial support. One person who asked me to donate clearly has the means to pay the full amount himself. Should I feel put upon?
M.
Just say no — or, more likely, delete the mass emails. These are purely voluntary requests. Personally, I am skeptical that you have reliable financial information about people with whom you are only vaguely acquainted. (I don’t share my finances with acquaintances. Do you?)
More striking, though, is your impulse to feel “put upon” by a simple gesture of community support. I may be wrong, but I suspect your reflexive grievance may be more debilitating to you than any GoFundMe request. If you want to explore your feelings further, start there: Why do optional requests for kindness aggravate me?
House-Sitting Without the Help of Big Brother
I am often asked by friends to house-sit (or pet-sit) when they go on vacation. I’m happy to help — without pay — when my schedule allows. But I dislike the “helpful” electronics that many of them use: Alexa, Siri, Ring. I don’t like being watched and listened to. May I ask that they be disabled during my stay?
HOUSE SITTER
Why not? You are providing a service that your friends want, and you are simply asking for an accommodation in return. Reasonable! Some friends may ask if they can leave on their exterior cameras for safety purposes. But if they won’t provide an environment that’s comfortable for you, they can find another house (or pet) sitter.
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