I’ve noticed I am becoming less resilient as I age. Insults used to bounce off me; I could move to a new city at the drop of a hat. Now I stew for days about a social media slight and can barely change my hair without fretting.
It’s a flaw — one I want to help my young son avoid by exposing him to challenges that will help him confront adversity without melting down. I know it’s hypocritical — the very essence of “do as I say, not as I do.” Before I raise a resilient kid, I should probably raise a resilient me.
I have my coping mechanisms: Intense exercise, getting out into nature or distracting my brain with a Rubik’s Cube can all keep me from spinning out. But these feel like Band-Aids, not real grit.
So I called a few experts to find out how I can become tougher. What I discovered was that my view of resilience was all wrong.
Wait, what is resilience again?
Defining resilience is tricky. Some frame it as the ability to stand up to adversity; others describe it as an ability to bounce back; still others liken it to adaptability.
Words like grit and positivity get thrown around a lot, too. But these terms suggest a sort of tough-guy stiff upper lip that doesn’t often work in the long term, said Michael Ungar, a professor of social work at Dalhousie University in Canada and expert in resilience. Instead, he said, it’s multiple “processes that will make it possible for you to thrive under stress.”
So, rather than a single muscle you can exercise, resilience is the product of many parts of your life, experience and personality.
Fine, but how do I get it?
All of the experts I spoke with agreed that, no matter how you define it, resilience can be improved, just like physical strength. There are many foundations that can support it — family, spirituality or money, for example — though three ideas are central to better resilience.
Identify what brings you meaning.
“The biggest piece of a good life is having some kind of sense of purpose and something that you’re invested in and committed to,” said Sherry Hamby, a psychology professor at the University of the South in Tennessee who studies resilience in impoverished communities.
She has found that the most powerful predictor of resilience to traumatic events is your connection to something larger than your self, whether it’s God, family, country or just the local P.T.A.
The more types of meaning you find, the more stable you are. For instance, say you define yourself as a mother, a teacher and an artist. If you lose your teaching job, you can draw strength from your family and your art.
So how do you rediscover meaning in your life?
Find a way to tell your story, Dr. Hamby said, and your values will become clear. Record a message to your children, do a life review or write your own obituary. Start with the accomplishments you are most proud of, and then go through the impacts you have made and what you will leave behind. Think about what you have yet to do.
Understand that no one is an island.
“We as humans are very social creatures,” said Kathryn Howell, a psychology professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. “So when bad things happen to us, we want to be together and connected to others.”
Community is crucial to resilience. One way to build a social circle, the experts agreed, is by volunteering. Go back to the things that give you purpose, Dr. Ungar said. If you find meaning in literature, volunteer at a library. If you don’t connect with the people there, try teaching pottery or joining a running group. The point isn’t to be constantly social, but to build a community.
Find what keeps you balanced.
It turns out the kinds of tools I thought were crucial for resilience — breathing techniques, exercise, time in nature — are further down the list. Self-regulation methods can calm you down or help you through the day, experts say, but they can’t always carry you through a crisis.
Take a hard look at yourself.
So how can I improve my middling resilience? I do have meaning in my life as a father and a journalist. And I have the mountains and forests around where I live to give me balance.
But I don’t have a strong social circle, especially with other men. So my path to resilience isn’t about braving the elements or collecting tools to give me grit. It’s about having humility and making time to reach out and ask someone to, I don’t know, get a beer sometime.
Are you dreading September?
If you imagine a calendar year like a workweek, then August is a “lazy, delicious, fretful Sunday,” writes Elizabeth Angell. And September is our Monday, when it’s time to get back to work. Dreading reality? We have ways to make the transition easier.
Read the article: Do You Have a Case of the ‘September Scaries’?
A final message from Dr. Ruth
In her later years, America’s most famous sex therapist pivoted from talking about sex to talking about another topic that is often shrouded in shame: loneliness. Her final book, out next week, focuses on how to strengthen connections with others.
Read the article: 5 Ways to Feel More Connected, According to Dr. Ruth
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Let’s keep the conversation going. Follow Well on Instagram, or write to us at [email protected]. And check out last week’s newsletter about medication mistakes that pharmacists want you to stop making.
The post I Used to Be Resilient. What Happened? appeared first on New York Times.
