I am a recent college graduate. Now that I live far away from where I went to school and having some time to look back, I think about the people I knew who used illicit substances (primarily cocaine) and wonder about the harm done by drug dealers. I’ve never used any drugs but being friends with some users, I know where their dealer lives. I never met him, but I heard a lot of things about him. Some of these were wholesome: He has a young kid, a nice girlfriend, enjoys cutting hair.
Some not so wholesome: He has large quantities of cocaine in his house and uses his work as a front. I’m considering whether I should report him to the police. I’m not wondering about whether informing the police about him would lead to prison (it would) or whether cocaine is bad, but whether making that call outweighs the detriment to his child who, seemingly in his custody, might end up in foster care. Should I inform the police? Or not do anything? Is there a middle ground? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Cocaine can do a lot of damage. In this country, where something like five million people are thought to be regular users, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration has estimated that, in 2022, there were more than 400,000 cocaine-related emergency-room visits; the Centers for Disease Control has estimated that, in 2023, nearly 25,000 people died from overdoses involving cocaine. (Other dangers are connected to the fact that it is sometimes adulterated with other dangerous substances, such as fentanyl.) The powder can also be highly addictive, and regular users can easily run through their savings to maintain the habit.
Does all the blame fall on the dealers? You could reasonably think that they’re exploiting the vulnerabilities of addicts, but their customers — at least those who are not yet addicted — are choosing to use the drug. What about their responsibility? Without the users there would be no dealers.
And the penalties for dealers can be severe. In a number of states, first-time offenders can be punished with prison sentences lasting years, even decades. If it’s determined that this fellow’s basement stash came from participation in interstate trafficking, he could also face strict federal penalties — a mandatory minimum of five years for first-time offenders who have more than 500 grams of cocaine and 10 years for those with five kilograms or more.
So your friends’ dealer, if convicted, would probably be away from his child for a very long time. You could fairly say that this is on him: He decided to make a living by selling illegal drugs that contribute to serious harm. Still, if by reporting him, even via a quick, anonymous call, you set in motion an investigation that leads to his conviction, you would have a hand in his fate, too. Your aim may be to punish a wrongdoer, but you’ll want to think about how others in his life will be affected.
And if your aim is to save people from the negative effects of cocaine? I’m not sure you’ll be helping much. Our decades-long wars on drugs have left us with a country in which, according to the National Center for Drug Abuse Statistics, roughly half the population has used illegal substances at least once. And we’ve been locking up a whole lot of dealers along the way. In 2022, more than 100,000 people were arrested for selling or manufacturing illegal drugs, and close to 800,000 were arrested for possession.
The difficult balancing of considerations you face mirrors the balancing act that we face as a society. Just as some lives are blighted by drugs, other lives are blighted by the zealous enforcement of drug statutes. Before you go above and beyond in support of law enforcement, then, you’ll want to consider whether the penalties visited on this person will be proportionate. The alternative isn’t to do nothing: If you’re concerned about the scourge of drugs, you could get involved in one of the groups that specialize in recovery and support for the people they harm.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a heartbroken wife and friend. She wrote: “A few months ago, I learned that my husband had an affair with one of his colleagues, with whom we were also friends. This coupling happened before and during the pandemic. The friendship fizzled out as lockdowns ended — and long before I was told about their relationship. She and I texted a little after I learned of the affair. I told her I knew and that she had done a terrible thing. She offered to meet me, then stood me up, suggesting that I would be better prepared in a few weeks’ time. This annoyed me. Who is she to decide when I am ‘ready’? But I gave it six weeks and emailed her asking to talk. I made it clear that I didn’t want to yell at her or to tell her what a horrible person she is, but that I wanted to talk about how she betrayed our friendship. It has been over a month, and she hasn’t replied. … Would knocking on her door be a step too far? … I don’t expect a meaningful apology, but at the very least I feel she owes it to me to look me in the eye.”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “The question of what your former friend owes you may distract you from a more pressing one: What is it that you’re hoping to get from confronting her? … If your former friend doesn’t want to meet you to talk about her offenses against you, I doubt she’ll welcome you into her home if you show up uninvited. … People often tell themselves that they’re seeking resolution when they’re really seeking retribution. It would be understandable if you were hoping to deliver a measure of punishment by rubbing her nose in her betrayal and unburdening yourself of all the searing remarks you’ve rehearsed in your mind. But I suspect that it won’t feel adequate and that it won’t rebuild your ability to trust other people. For that, I would focus on rebuilding trust with your husband, who, of course, has a lot to answer for. If you want to talk to someone about what happened, you might gain more by talking to a counselor.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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As a doctoral-level marriage and family therapist with 40 years of experience, I agree with the Ethicist. The letter writer’s husband betrayed her, so the work and healing needs to begin with her marriage. The other woman’s betrayal is reprehensible but her back story is incomplete. There is likely to be little if any relief from a confrontation with her. How does the letter writer’s husband explain his motivation to deceive and now his desire to remain in the marriage? And while there is no excuse for what he did, with serious work, people can recover from an affair and move on to have a strong marriage. — Tony
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It’s not the letter writer’s problem to anticipate or be concerned with the other woman’s reaction, because what she needs is to feel a sense of agency, to take control and say what’s in her heart and mind. As I understand it, the letter writer needs the opportunity to tell this other woman that she did harm, betrayed their friendship and broke the letter writer’s trust. This conversation may not be possible face-to-face, and the letter writer probably won’t get an apology, but having the opportunity to plan and communicate her message may itself provide a sense of satisfaction and relief. — Candy
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I think that one thing missing from the Ethicist’s response is that the former friend opened the door to this discussion, and so created the obligation to follow through. Offering to have this difficult conversation, and then backing out by essentially ghosting the letter writer created even more pain. While there’s no way for the letter writer to extract a meaningful explanation or apology from her former friend, it’s important to acknowledge that there’s additional harm occurring. — Ben
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I agree that the letter writer will not get satisfaction from a meeting with her former friend. I’ve been there before, and tallying up the score of grievances leads nowhere. She should let go of her former friend and the friend’s sins against her, impossible as that might seem right now. She may find that her confrontation is best resolved with herself alone. She should ask herself: How did this happen? Where was she involved in all of this? The answers will be hard-won but worth her trouble. — Susan
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Some years ago, I was in the same position as the letter writer. The other woman and I had also been friends. My solution to ameliorate the hard feelings? I wrote her a letter and said everything I wanted to say. The writing process allowed for editing and rewriting to my heart’s content. I mailed it. It felt great. Among all the things I clarified in the letter, I think that she rightly perceived that I was here, I wasn’t going anywhere and she could not continue to successfully avoid me. Ultimately, she did avoid me — by moving away. — Carol
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