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A Question of Loyalty
I work for a smallish company (fewer than 100 corporate employees with and 1,500 field workers). I enjoy my job, the challenge, my co-workers and the good work-life balance. I was hired by a leader in the company who I’ve known professionally for many years. The role I was hired into was a bit of a stretch, and I think this person went out a bit on a limb to bring me in. Fast forward six years and I’ve excelled, been promoted and clearly made a positive impact on the company. One day, I received an email from a recruiter on LinkedIn about a similar role, but at a higher executive level and a larger organization with perhaps more prestige and compensation. I had not been looking for a new job, but I thought I shouldn’t pass up an opportunity. I got pretty far in the interview process and the role seemed like a good fit, but then I also felt a heavy dose of guilt for leaving the leader who believed in me. Because of my conflicted feelings, I ended up not coming off as enthusiastic about the role in my final round and, ultimately, I didn’t get the job. Perhaps it was all a blessing, but I’m not sure what to do if another opportunity presents itself. How loyal does one need to be to someone who is responsible for a lot of my career growth and success?
— Albert
My first question for you: How much do you want a new job versus thinking you should want a new job? (Correct me if I’m wrong, but it doesn’t sound like you need one.) We live in a culture, in which we feel we always need to be on the lookout for the next best thing. More prestige, more money, a bigger, “better” title. But what if we’re happy where we are?
It sure sounds that you’re in an enviable, if not ideal, position: You enjoy your job, your colleagues, and the work-life balance that your job affords. A lot of us working stiffs don’t enjoy similar luxuries, or have this sort of luck. So the second question I’d urge you to ask yourself is this: What do you think the chances are that you might find these sorts of attributes in the context of a new job?
As for the loyalty issue, this is tougher, which is why I’m saving it for last. Were we all so content with our jobs, and our supervisors, that we feel such a measure of loyalty that the prospect of a new job causes such soul-searching!
Listen, looking out for No. 1 and not letting emotions like guilt dictate our career decisions is important in terms of building our careers. At the same time, there’s something to be said for listening to one’s heart and one’s gut, and it sounds as if your heart (and your gut!) communicated something to these prospective employers, namely, that you aren’t that enthusiastic about taking on a new job at a new company.
I think you should also ask yourself where, after six years in your current role, you might go from here. And then, if it feels like you’re ready for a new challenge, I’d recommend asking your supervisor — the person you’re feeling such loyalty to — what opportunities for advancement are available now or in the immediate future. Some career coaches might counsel that one way to get more responsibility in one’s current position is to come to the table with a job offer from elsewhere, but that can be risky: Your current employer might call your bluff, so to speak. And if you’re not actually ready to leave, then what? That said, it can’t hurt to know what else is out there in terms of job opportunities. After all, knowledge may not be prestige, or a padded bank account, but it is its own form of power.
A Friend in Need
I have a good friend who is trying to advance her career. She has a top-notch résumé, sterling education credentials (Ivy League MBA) and a track record of clinching every job she has applied for in the past. But over the past couple of years, she has gained a substantial amount of weight, is becoming poorly groomed and her clothing choices seem off the mark for the type of job she aspires to. Our circle of friends feels bad that she is discouraged by the string of job rejections, but we all agree that she is either inattentive to or willfully ignoring choices that would better her chances for the career advancement she aspires to. Yet none of us wants to give honest advice for fear of hurting her feelings even more and jeopardizing our relationship. Is there a way to handle this?
— Anonymous
How a person looks on the outside can often be a strong indicator of how they’re feeling on the inside. It sounds as if your friend might be depressed. And depression can be part of a vicious cycle where we undervalue ourselves to the point where we communicate to others that they should undervalue us, either in behaviors or appearance. Or both.
I agree that you may hurt her feelings by giving her honest feedback about what might be holding her back in terms of finding a job — first impressions, for better or worse, do matter. So I suggest you sit down with her and engage her in conversation not about her aesthetics — please don’t bring up her weight because, listen, those of us who’ve struggled with weight feel bad about it enough already — but about her feelings. How is she doing? How is this string of job rejections affecting her? And what might she do to turn things around?
Inquiry around, and validation of, one’s emotions and experiences by friends and family can go a long way toward instilling a measure of self-awareness that can lead to lasting change. Though you can’t make her improve how she presents herself to the outside world, you can have an effect on how she feels about herself deep down, and in her most intimate, emotional moments. Offering her the opportunity to think aloud about this will give you — and her — valuable information as to how to best be of support, and maybe, just maybe, make some substantial changes. Good luck.
A Passive-Aggressive Boss
Last year, I was hired at a large NGO that operates in Washington, DC. This was my first job after finishing my master’s degree, and I was excited to start off my career at a well-renowned organization. When I met my boss, I could tell she was friendly and helpful but also had a very straightforward attitude, which is fine by me because I’m the same way. As time goes on, I start being pelted with assignments left and right. This is not necessarily a problem, except for the fact that I was given assignments that were not only not in my job description, but also things I did not have any grasp on at that time. I consulted with a mentor and his reaction was one of surprise that my boss was assigning me such complex tasks so early on. But I wasn’t in a position to make a fuss about it so I sucked it up and did my best to learn as I went. The problems really started once my manager started contacting me on weekends to fix mistakes she noticed on my assignments. My problem with that was the mistakes were for things that I had absolutely zero experience doing and the fact that my weekends were being rudely interrupted. The other issue was terseness and passive aggressiveness. In person, she would treat me exactly as her other subordinates, but online it was a completely different story. This is what made her behavior hard to explain and pinpoint to upper management and H.R. My co-workers understood me, and my friends and family who read her words balked at them for being so rude. But her supervisors never treated this as a big issue. I am open to being wrong and trying to see the situation from a different perspective. But I would like your thoughts on this.
— Anonymous
This is a lot to process, but it’s clear that your boss is being overly demanding, passive-aggressive and downright rude. It sounds like you’ve already tried to engage upper management and H.R. about your supervisor’s behavior. And it sounds that they’ve done little to nothing about it. So, I’m torn. My instinct is to tell you to approach your supervisor directly and communicate to her that you want to have a better working relationship. You can ask what you can do to improve things — not just your actual work, but your relationship to her. See what she says. If she responds negatively or — ugh — tersely, I’d set up another meeting with H.R. to discuss how the meeting with your supervisor went, and your continued concerns about your relationship with her. I’d also think about other job opportunities. You sound pretty displeased with your job, and for good reason. It might be time to consider moving to a workplace where you feel you and your work are being treated a little less roughly.
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