My 8-year-old child is asking my wife and me how much money our family makes. She wants us to be specific with the dollar amounts that we receive in our paychecks. We’ve just told her that we make enough to afford our rent, food and all the things we need to live the way we do.
In the past, we have told her that we might not have enough money to buy things for her or ourselves, which is true. My wife and I are employed in noncommercial fields (one of us is a teacher and the other works at a nonprofit), and we practically live paycheck to paycheck. We want to be open with our child but don’t want her to worry about whether we have enough. We also are thinking about how she might use our income in conversations with her peers, as she also mentioned that some of her classmates identify as ‘‘poor.’’
We are not sure how much to share so as to give her a realistic, informed view of our financial realities while not burdening her. We don’t want her to use our income to ‘‘other’’ or feel ‘‘othered’’ by her peers. That is, we don’t want the money to be used to make any of these children feel radically different from one another. — Logan
From the Ethicist:
It would be better if we lived in a world in which people could be open about their earnings without encountering a set of largely pernicious class attitudes. There’s no dishonor in making a social contribution while having to stretch a paycheck to look after your family. (There may be something dishonorable about how meagerly we compensate teachers; in a better world, you would probably both be more highly paid.) But the world we live in poses the issues that you identify, and 8-year-olds shouldn’t be expected to keep confidences. Maybe the place to start is not announcing your incomes but discussing the ‘‘othering’’ attitudes that justly concern you. That a slim paycheck is nothing to be ashamed of is the main thing you’ll want your child to understand as she grows up.
A Bonus Question
I recently purchased a skirt at a neighborhood boutique. I tried it on there, looked in their mirror and was very pleased with how it looked, so I bought it.
When I got home, I realized the store’s mirrors are the kind that make you look slimmer than you really are. Is this ethical of the store to have a mirror that might entice people to think they look better than they really do? — Mary Anne
From the Ethicist:
Objects in mirror are larger than they appear? I don’t know whether ‘‘skinny mirrors’’ are really much of a thing — a startup that briefly gained notoriety by marketing them folded several years ago. Still, sometimes mirrors are leaned against a wall at an angle that can affect how we see ourselves. There are certainly legitimate ways for retailers to make the shopping experience more inviting for the consumer and more profitable for them: a pleasant ambient scent, flattering lighting, maybe a free espresso. But setting customers up for disappointment, I agree, isn’t a good look.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who had a question about a friend’s financial situation. She wrote: “A friend of mine is an amateur painter. She has a degree from one of the best colleges in the country (where she earned top grades), and she is able-bodied and healthy. After college, she decided to pursue painting, which is her passion. While she hopes to work professionally as an artist, she is currently working a part-time teaching job. She comes from an upper-middle-class household, and I know she has received some monetary support from her parents in the past. She does not live lavishly by any means, but she lives in a comfortable apartment with roommates and rents a separate art studio. I admire her for pursuing her art and have no problem with her receiving support from her parents as she works on her painting. Recently, my friend told me that she uses the federally funded Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) to purchase food for herself. I feel that this is dishonest and using the welfare system in a way that hurts those who need it most. … something about my friend’s situation rubs me the wrong way. Is what she’s doing ethical?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “When you say you feel your friend is taking benefits from the needy, you don’t mean this literally. SNAP helps tens of millions of people, and there isn’t a cap on the number of recipients. Nobody is going without because of her enrollment. But you know this. Instead, I suspect your thought is that we shouldn’t rely on payments that come from other people’s work unless we have to. … there’s something to be said for the idea that we all should do our fair share to make our social arrangements work for everyone. My fair share may well depend on my abilities, but people should have broad latitude in deciding how to make their contribution. Part of your friend’s contribution is being made — as you imply in referring to our cultural ecosystem — by doing her work as an artist. She’s also making herself useful through her work as a teacher. If those activities aren’t earning her enough money to feed herself adequately, I don’t see why she shouldn’t take the help our society has decided to offer.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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How is it really any of the letter writer’s business? I am very disturbed that we are now living in a culture that accepts — and even encourages — people to judge and condemn the choices others make about how they wish to live. Is the writer envious? Would she feel differently if the artist’s goal was to become a medical professional or an attorney? It sounds to me that this young artist (not somewhat derisively described as an “amateur” painter) has a well-thought-out, ethical and realistic plan to become a self-supporting professional. Kudos to her for having the courage to follow her heart while using her brain! — Margaret
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I agree with the Ethicist. I was in a similar situation when I was young and did take a “regular” job. I worked on my art part time and was in a number of group shows, but as my day job became more demanding, I could not develop my art practice to its maximum potential. Now in retirement I can happily work full time as an artist alone in my studio, though I have regrets about not fully realizing my dreams. Although I am productive and learn new things all the time, art is a lifelong process of evolution, and quality and individuality develop only with time spent in practice. Also galleries and curators seek young, up-and-coming artists, so exhibition opportunities are limited and sales are minimal. When I die I believe most of my work will end up in a landfill, but making art is what I feel I must do. — Liz
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My son was in the same situation as the letter writer’s friend. He was a touring musician for six years. He and his bandmates all quit their good jobs to try and “make it,” with our full support; our thinking was, Why not try it when you’re young so you have no regrets when you’re older? We gave him a credit card for emergencies, but between Ubering when he wasn’t on the road, SNAP benefits and his earnings from touring (and learning to live frugally, which he still does) he was able to cover his expenses with minimal assistance from us. The pandemic ended this dream so now he is working at a job he enjoys and playing part-time — and now paying into the system he used to subsidize his passion. — Dan
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The Ethicist’s column is among my favorites. I eagerly await these newsletters hitting my inbox; I learn a lot, question my own beliefs and often discuss the views expressed with friends and family. This is the first time I strongly disagree with the Ethicist’s perspective. I agree with the letter writer that there is something inherently wrong with an able-bodied person with family support taking government benefits. Both teaching and being an artist are worthwhile pursuits that contribute to the community. However, these roles don’t give someone a pass on supporting themselves. Many people work survival jobs and pursue their passion on their own until such time as they can make a living from it. This seems to me to be the more ethical choice. — Jill
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The Ethicist’s response was eloquent and thoughtful. As a SNAP beneficiary, I will share that we feel critics’ unspoken judgments, which are so often inaccurate. It’s nice to be reminded that some people understand and recognize our responsibilities to one another. — Michelle
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