Heartbreak can be painful—it’s normal to want to move on as quickly as possible. But, sometimes, the methods we use to move on are the very things that keeps us stuck.
Newsweek spoke to Angelika Koch, a relationship and break-up expert and life coach, about the phenomenon of the “rebound relationship,” which begins shortly after another relationship ends, before emotional healing has taken place. Koch explained everything to know about rebound relationships—including whether or not they are ever viable.
“A rebound relationship is a relationship that someone gets into when they are in an emotionally vulnerable place after a breakup,” Koch said. “This relationship is rushed into and because of this, incompatibilities and standards are usually set to the side and dealt with at a later time.”
Why Are We Drawn to Rebound Relationships?
Koch said a rebound relationship can be driven by several factors. Some have to do with the relationship that has recently broken down, while others have more to do with self-concept and deeper fears.
“Some get into rebound relationships because they felt rejected by their last relationship and feel the need to feel validated that they are able to still attract people in a sexual or flirtatious manner,” Koch said. “Other people get into rebound relationships because they struggle with codependency and have a deep fear of being alone.”
The latter struggle with staying single, too. Koch said that sometimes, people who fear being alone, spend no more than a few weeks to months before entering another relationship.
Ultimately, rebound relationships can be effective tools for distraction from heartbreak, Koch said.
“They are hoping to get over their ex by finding ‘love’ in a different place,” she added. “They use another person, hoping that they will develop similar feelings for them as they did their ex, thus causing them to ‘numb out’ their pain.”
How Can You Tell if You’re in a Rebound Relationship?
If you’re thinking about your ex while with someone else, it’s probably safe to say you’re in a rebound relationship, Koch said. Ruminating on an ex-partner or the sensation of feeling “stuck” on them can be signs that you’re not quite ready to move forward.
Another sign, perhaps less obvious, is the habit of making concessions in your new relationship. If your new love isn’t meeting your standards or is incompatible with you in some way, it isn’t something to overlook. In a rebound relationship, though, you might be tempted to.
“Another sign [of a rebound relationship] is if you’re giving someone a chance that you typically wouldn’t give, because you’re trying to fill the time or afraid of being alone,” Koch added.
How to Break the Cycle of Rebound Relationships
First off, it’s important to note that rebound relationships are not always a bad thing.
“Rebound relationships are only doomed to fail if they are incompatible or toxic,” Koch said. “Though this is not typically the case, there is the occasional rebound relationship that lasts and becomes great love.”
Though, for the most part, she said, rebound relationships don’t last and typically end between nine months and two years.
“If you’re stuck in a series of rebound relationships, it’s important that you take some time to be single and get to know yourself as well as what you are desiring in a relationship and for your life,” Koch said. “Breaking the cycle means changing the way you approach dating. It’s important to be so secure in what you’re looking for…It’s important to no longer settle in your life when it comes to love, and instead take your time.”
This work isn’t easy, Koch acknowledged. For someone who aren’t used to being single, those early days of solitude can be scary.
“You need to work through these feelings and allow yourself to work through healing from your past relationships, as well as build a better understanding of what you want for yourself currently and in your future,” she said. “Make sure you build a life your future self will thank you for.”
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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