Everywhere you look, there are articles asking if Joe Biden is too old to govern. But on Donald Trump’s 78th birthday, no one is asking the real question—is Donald Trump too young to be President?
Look, we all know Joe Biden is old. 81! So old!
Honestly if you put 81 candles on a cake, you have basically reinvented the sun. Has anyone ever been 81 before? Probably not! It’s impossible to know for sure because numbers that go up that high are purely theoretical, like elementary particles such as quarks or Glen Powell before the year 2023.
But today is Donald Trump’s 78th birthday. Which, fun fact, is not old at all. So much younger than Biden! Trump is, if I’m doing the math correctly, INFINITY younger than Biden. You see? I didn’t do real math there because 78 is much too young to even begin to understand subtraction. It’s the age where they’re still counting on their fingers: “seven… eight… nine… A TRILLION.”
What will the former president do for his birthday? Chuck E. Cheese is filled with 78-year-old tykes rassling in the ball pit. If he has a party will he have to invite the whole class? Because McKenzie C. has a peanut allergy and last month her mom sent her to the trampoline park with an expired EpiPen and it ruined Dalton F.’s 77th birthday.
Donald Trump, at 936 months (at this young age we still tend to talk about them in months), is a mere infant. That’s why he was so thrilled that he remembered “person, woman, man, camera, TV.” It’s the first time he had displayed object-permanence.
It’s why he stared into the eclipse.
It’s why he was so excited to sit in the Honk-Honk Truck!
So to summarize: 78? Young. Spry. Cool. 81? Probably invented the Cotton Gin.
78? Believes in the Tooth Fairy. 81? Founding father of Pangea.
78? Still pronounces it “pasketti.” 81? Died a minimum of forty years ago.
But here’s the thing: someone has to be the grown-up here. So I ask again: is Donald Trump too young to be the president? The man only has 34 felonies. Like a toddler!
Let’s give him another couple of decades to grow up and then we can discuss giving him the nuclear codes again.
Jill Twiss has won multiple Emmys and Peabody Awards as a senior writer on HBO’s Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. While on the show, she authored A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo, a New York Times #1 bestseller.
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