Picture this: you’re in bed with your partner, and things are starting to get heated. You’re kissing, clothes are coming off, and so far, the shuffle on a random playlist you picked hasn’t let you down. But then, something horrific happens.
“Now usually I don’t do this but uhhhhh…
Go ‘head and break em off with a lil’ preview of the remix”
R-Kelly’s Ignition (Remix) has come on and your fight or flight kicks in.
All of a sudden this fleeting moment of intimacy is overshadowed by R-fucking Kelly singing about wanting that “toot toot” and giving you that “beep beep”.
Repulsive.
Music about sex should be sexy. This we can all agree on.
The lyrics should be intimate poetry and the story should be sensual without being overt. And the way the sonics unfold should just make sense with the story. That’s what makes a good sex song.
But unsurprisingly, not every song about sex is sexy. In fact, there are plenty out there that are blatantly unsexy, cringe, didn’t age well, or just dreadfully corny. While I’m no expert in Sex Musicology and everyone has different tastes, some songs people put in their sex playlists simply don’t belong there.
I took to the internet and traversed several different playlists of the “sexiest” songs about sex. Let’s look at a few that fail to meet the brief.
The Weeknd – Earned It
Yeah, look… the sex appeal of The Weeknd’s music can be shattered when you realise it’s retelling the sexual fantasy of a middle-aged person in a “cheating on your wife with your younger, hotter secretary” way. Kind of gives predatory vibes, y’know?
Icky, not sexy.
Ginuwine – Pony
Somewhere in the world, right now, there is a man in his bedroom practising grinding and humping the ground to this song. I blame Magic Mike for setting the men of the world back 50 years. Bring back when they used to build houses and go to war!
Ariana Grande – 34+35
Using math to make a cunnilingus innuendo is unforgivable.
Justin Timberlake, Timberland – SexyBack
I don’t know who told Justin Timberlake he was bringing sexy back. And I don’t know why he thought this song was proof. This song is far too distracting – way too much shit going on. Timberland’s adlibs feel like they’re being said by the creepy roommate of your one-night stand who’s holding a cup to the bedroom door to hear everything.
Ellie Goulding – Love Me Like You Do
As expected, another Fifty Shades song has deservedly appeared on this list. Because just like the movie, this song is corny. -1000 horniness.
John Mayer – Your Body Is a Wonderland
I just can’t get past the very cringe, very forceful “I’m a little heartthrob loverboy with my little guitar let me put this husky voice on and seduce you” thing he puts on throughout this entire song. This song pops off for white folks though, so I’ll leave it for them.
R-Kelly – Feelin’ On Yo Booty
This song is a threat.
Chris Brown – Back To Sleep
“I know you’re almost half asleep, But you know how much I need ya…
So, baby, when I wake you up, just let me rock. I’ma fuck you back to sleep girl”
Yuck as fuck.
Selena Gomez – Hands To Myself
“You’re metaphorical gin & juice”. Really?
The lyrics of this song sound like they were written by a smut fan-fiction Wattpad author circa 2011. Is this song supposed to appeal to adolescents? No one above the age of 20 is getting sexy to a song you’d hear inside of a Glassons.
Nine Inch Nails – Closer
Six minutes and 13 seconds is a very long time to unashamedly pine over some p*ssy. And not even in a hot way, this song is so aggressive it’s a turn-off. Stand up Trent Reznor!
Adele is the Junior Writer & Producer for VICE AU/NZ. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
The post The VICE Guide to the Worst ‘Sex’ Songs Ever Made appeared first on VICE.
