Some people in my social circle bring their young children to all social events, whether the children are invited or not. I used to state explicitly on invitations when guests were welcome to bring children, other friends or dates. I assumed that when I didn’t use that language, guests would understand that only those named on the invitation were invited. I stopped making that assumption because of the small number of people who bring their children to everything. I can plan a pleasant evening, but guests don’t get to enjoy it because they are conscripted into providing free child care — or forced to be an audience to performances by children throughout the evening. Is there a gracious way to tell these so-called friends that if I don’t invite their children, they should not bring them?
HOST
As a host, you are absolutely entitled to create the guest list for your parties. But what a shame to let a misunderstanding — or, at worst, an error in judgment by a few parents — so embitter you that you call guests whom you invite into your home your “so-called friends” and accuse them of trying to scam their way into some free child care. Get a grip!
I understand that you’re annoyed, but isn’t it more likely that these parents have misconstrued your occasional inclusion of children to be a regular thing? Or that they simply assumed — incorrectly — that their children were welcome? Both alternatives seem more reasonable to me than expecting guests to remember the language of your prior invitations for comparison. Try to be more generous. These are people you like, right?
What’s more, you can solve this problem with just a few spoken words. To me, that seems preferable to fuming or to adding more language to your invitations. Simply call the “small number” of parents with whom you’ve had this problem and say: “I wanted to tell you that the party is for adults only. I hope you can make it.” They may not: Child care can be expensive and difficult to arrange. But that’s their decision to make after you have made the terms of your invitation to them abundantly clear.
A Crippling Case of Uberphobia
We are retired seniors of limited means. Our next-door neighbors — lovely people and valued friends — are at least 20 years younger than we are. Recently, they have begun taking extravagant vacations, and twice they have asked us to drive them to the airport. We’ve done it, though it isn’t easy for us: It’s an hourlong round-trip drive. Traffic is often heavy, and parking is difficult in our busy neighborhood. I’m sure they can afford a taxi or car service to the airport. How can we decline their request without having to concoct any excuses?
NEIGHBOR
I think you have your answer to this question already. You gave it to me in your perfectly reasonable letter: The drive to the airport is too much for you. The amount of driving, the heavy traffic and the difficult parking are more than you can manage. And bonus: That’s a totally fair response! For what it’s worth, I have never been asked — or asked anyone else, as an adult — for a ride to the airport. It’s a hassle! And the cost of getting there should be part of your neighbors’ vacation budget.
The Wingfield Method
Our adult daughter is in a serious relationship with a man she claims loves and adores her. We have little confidence in their future together for various reasons, and we worry about the heartache our daughter will feel if they call it quits. What can we do, other than be supportive and host them graciously when they come to visit? Our daughter has serious health issues, and we worry that this boyfriend is not in it for the long haul.
MOM
I have no doubt that you want the best for your daughter. But I am also certain that “The Glass Menagerie” is not a play on which you should model your parenting. Your adult daughter’s health challenges do not give you license to infantilize her or to second-guess her decisions. I have no way of evaluating your skepticism of her relationship, based as it is on unstated reasons. But I note that your daughter has not asked either of us for our help. In the absence of a serious issue in the relationship, stay out of this.
A Spectrum of Acceptable Dress
We received two wedding invitations recently that requested attire more specific than the usual cocktail, formal or black tie optional. One invitation requested that we dress in a specific color palette. The other asked that we wear a shade of blue. While I appreciate guidelines about formality, I struggle with these color requests. Am I obliged to buy a new outfit if I don’t own something that matches the request?
GUEST
Think of these color requests as friendly suggestions. Try to find something close-ish in your closet — but there is no absolutely need to buy something new. The bridal couples may want color-coordinated photographs or unified vibes. But as my kindergarten teacher would have told them about their guests’ wardrobes: “We get what we get, and we don’t get upset.” Shop your closet!
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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