I’m the parent of a middle-school girl, and for what it’s worth, I also have professional experience working with children. My daughter, who is kind and makes friends easily, has been complaining daily about a girl in her friend group. She and her friends find this girl mean, bossy and disrespectful. She makes unkind comments, talks about being better than other people and becomes very defensive when friends tell her that her behavior has hurt them.
Whenever someone tries to talk with this girl about how they feel, she accuses the other person of being rude, mean or of spreading rumors about her. Understandably my daughter and many of her friends have begun distancing themselves from her because of the stress she causes.
I know the girl’s mother, and though we are not close friends, we are part of the same small parent group. We have been to each other’s homes. She once told me that her daughter has trouble figuring out how to fit into a group, but I don’t know whether she understands the full extent of the problem. At home, when her daughter has friends over, her behavior seems very appropriate.
My daughter does not want me to share her accounts with the girl’s mother. Still, as someone who cares deeply about children and their development, I wonder whether I should say something so her mother can find the right support or intervention. What are my ethical obligations to tell a parent about her child’s behavior at school? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
So this girl is guilty of bragging, bossiness, needling her peers and being defensive when criticized. Is this a developmental crisis, or is it within the bounds of fairly ordinary middle-school behavior? You say she’s in your daughter’s friend group and that she has friends over; she doesn’t seem isolated, then, and your daughter wouldn’t be griping about her if she were. If the girl, when cornered, complains that the others are being mean and spreading rumors about her, well, that’s probably how it feels to her. Bear in mind, too, that you’re hearing one side of a social dispute. Maybe the girl’s appropriate behavior at home means she’s putting up a front; maybe it means your daughter’s depiction of her isn’t the whole story. As someone who works with kids, you’ll appreciate that a child’s account of a social enemy isn’t the most reliable data source.
Then there’s the fact that your daughter spoke to you in confidence. You’re giving full weight to her testimony and rather little weight to her stated wishes. Violating your daughter’s trust could end up complicating her own social standing, and the other girl’s mother already knows that her daughter struggles socially.
It might be better to ask your daughter harder questions about how the group is treating this disfavored classmate, encouraging basic decency without trying to force friendship. If after that you remain convinced that the other girl has problems that call for therapeutic intervention, you should tell your daughter why you think the mother needs to know before you share your concerns with this woman.
Otherwise it may be best to let the other girl learn from experience that her conduct is alienating her peers. A quarter-century ago, this magazine published a fascinating piece by the journalist Margaret Talbot that helped give currency to the term “mean girls.” An observation she made there seems more apt than ever: “Sometimes we do seem in danger of micromanaging children’s social lives, peering a little too closely.”
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who was debating whether to tell his half siblings about their father’s history of abuse. He wrote:
For years I suspected that my father sexually abused my sister, but I confirmed it only recently. His treatment of her led to her abusing me the same way when I was just 7. When my father divorced my mother, he already had his new life lined up. He and his mistress married and immediately had two sons, whom he treated far better than he treated my sister and me. … When my father died, my half brothers wanted me to stay the night at their home. I couldn’t do it. … Since then, I have wanted to share the history that they don’t know. … I know my stepmother would deny that the abuse ever happened; my half brothers might also refuse to accept it, causing even more distance between us. I still think they should know, but maybe I’m being selfish and not fully understanding how much the bad might outweigh the good. — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
The fact that you’re bringing this up now suggests that you may currently be coming to grips with this dark past in some new way. You may think that sharing what happened with other family members will help with this process. … And however much your half brothers’ feelings about their father may be disrupted — assuming they don’t simply reject what you have to say — they’re better off living with important truths. Just bear in mind that they may not see it that way. Bear in mind, too, that this is a story, first and foremost, about your sister. You don’t say what your relationship with her is like now, but it seems likely that it was through a conversation with her that you confirmed the abuse. If that’s the case, talk to her now and see how she feels about the disclosure you have in mind.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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The fact that the letter writer’s father abused his sister is his sister’s story. His story is that his sister abused him. None of it is relevant to his half brothers now that their father is dead. (If their father were still alive, the story would have relevance because there might be grandchildren that need protection.) It is sufficient to say: “My relationship with him was very different from yours. He was drinking then, and was not the man you knew.” End of story. — Samantha
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I suspect that the letter writer’s desire and need to share this information with his half brothers is a substitute for dealing with it with his sister. Reading the letter, the lack of mention of the sister after the first line or so is the elephant in the room. Why would the letter writer even consider talking to his half siblings without having his sister be part of the conversation? I think he doesn’t want to go to the real heart of the matter — but this is the first action that should happen, if anything is going to. — Denise
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Revealing secrets about the deceased father, who had a good relationship with his second family, will only taint his memory. And to what end? My aunt revealed something shocking about my father decades after he died. It caused me great grief, and there was no real reason to spoil my personal memories of our positive relationship. — Linda
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The reason it is vital to share what an abuser has done is primarily because they seldom stop at one victim. They could have (and often have) abused many others in their path. Silence keeps the abuser safe and leaves their victims too afraid the speak out, for fear of being told they are lying. — Amy
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My sister was sexually abused by our father. She didn’t abuse me but influenced me in other negative ways. As I matured, I realized how screwed up she was and distanced myself from her. Only when we were in our 50s did she tell me what he had done. It all became clear after that. After years of drug and alcohol abuse, she committed suicide. Child abuse is not something you can easily put behind you, and it cannot ever be forgiven. The letter writer needs to tell his siblings what the father did. — Jesse
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