Have you ever had a love interest completely cut off contact, only to circle back months or even years later, as if nothing had happened? (I think most of is If so, you might have been a victim of the toxic dating trend, “zombieing.”
What Is Zombieing?
According to Dr. Alexandra Foglia, DMFT, Director of Family Programs of All in Solutions, “‘Zombieing’ occurs when a ghoster (someone who cuts off contact with no explanation) shows back up out of nowhere, usually through a very casual text or small act of engagement. Zombieing represents inconsistent attachment behaviors and a failure to take responsibility for their actions as opposed to true attempts to re-establish a lost connection.”
For instance, after months of no contact, an old hookup might reach out with no intentions of actually rekindling something. Maybe they’re bored or in the mood for connection, treating you like a placeholder when they’re alone.
“An example of how this might play out includes texts like ‘hey stranger,’ random nighttime messages, or likes/comments on something you posted on social media after a long period of no communication,” says Foglia. “A common characteristic of these texts is that they contain little to no acknowledgement of their previous disappearance. Typically, there is no effort made to make amends for what occurred previously and little indication of their desire to establish a relationship with you again.”
How to Avoid ‘Zombies’ in Dating
No one wants to become a zombie’s prey in the dating scene. When someone shows you who they are the first time (e.g. a ghoster), believe them—and don’t let them fool you a second time around.
“The best way to avoid Zombieing is to never leave the door open after someone ghosts,” says Dr. Brittany Woolford, Co-founder and Psychologist at Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness. “This is why it’s always important, even if someone is ghosting you, to send a follow-up text that says, ‘It seems like, from your silence, you’re no longer interested in pursuing this. I wish you the best of luck!’ By doing this, you close the door so that someone with more of an avoidant attachment isn’t going to keep popping up when they no longer have any options.”
Remember, there’s a major difference between ex-partners/hookups who’ve simply faded out (without the harsh act of ghosting), and those who have abruptly cut off contact and gone entirely off the grid.
“While occasionally reconnecting isn’t unhealthy in relationships, inconsistency and not repairing broken trust is,” says Foglia. “When establishing healthy connections, acknowledging the hurt caused, clearly stating your intentions, and demonstrating changes in behavior are all necessary components of the process.”
If you do choose to give the zombie another chance, don’t let them off the hook too easily.
“If you have a ‘zombie’ in your life, directness works best,” says Foglia. “By asking them, ‘What do you hope will come of us reconnecting?’ you’ll be able to determine their intentions quickly.”
The post The ‘Zombieing’ Dating Trend Is Exactly as Annoying as It Sounds (And Experts Say It’s a Major Red Flag) appeared first on VICE.
