Have you ever dated someone who just couldn’t seem to keep their word? Maybe they were quick to make grand statements or empty promises, yet struggled with the actual follow-through. This can be one of the most confusing and frustrating experiences in a relationship.
While it might be difficult to find stability in a relationship like this, it often feels just as difficult to walk away from it—especially when your partner keeps begging for another chance to do better.
If you’re in this situation, know there are ways to navigate the issue without immediately jumping ship. Here are some tips for confronting your partner—and knowing when it’s time to walk away.
The Impact of Empty Promises
First, it’s important to acknowledge the impact of your partner’s actions on you. Have you been feeling more anxious and unsettled lately, blaming work or stress as the culprit? Perhaps it’s time to consider how your relationship is influencing your mental health.
“A partner that does not keep their word is so difficult to navigate. The internal conflict of wanting to trust that person and being unable to rely on them is exhausting,” says Everett Uhl, LMFT, PMH-C, Couples & Sex Therapist. “Typically, individuals have to hold both hope (‘they said they would arrive around 7 pm, I really hope that they do’) while knowing the likelihood is low (‘I need to still plan and prepare to have a good time without them.’).”
Over time, this becomes burdensome, often leading to resentment, disconnection, and even insecurity in the relationship.
“Partners like this can often dangle the carrot, especially if it is around commitment milestones (getting engaged, buying a house, having a child, etc),” Uhl says. “They often make it [seem as] if only you were a little better, then they would finally show up, finally be the reliable, trustworthy person you want.”
How to Confront a Partner Who Doesn’t Follow Through
While you don’t need to dump your partner the moment they don’t follow through on something, you certainly shouldn’t let this action become a pattern.
“The reality needs to be acknowledged. If the partner is unable to acknowledge that they are unreliable, it may be time to walk away,” says Uhl. “This partner is often a people-pleaser or placater. They want the conflict to end, so they will apologize, say, ‘I know you are right, I will try to do better next time.’ But next time never comes.”
Once this turns into a recurring problem, it’s time to set some boundaries and limits. And according to Augusto Blanco, Clinical Psychologist at Man Helping Men, “there has to be consequences.”
“It doesn’t mean something extreme or very negative, but if nothing changes, behavior is not going to magically change,” he explains. “There’s no motivation to do so.”
Blanco says he teaches individuals to both boundaries and consequences of not respecting them. However, unlike your partner, you actually have to follow through.
“Once the lying partner learns that actions have consequences, the motivation to change will be much stronger,” he states.
Uhl also recommends setting a timeline for changed behavior, so you’re not spending months dealing with the same problem.
“Giving yourself a timeline on hope before you are willing to go build a life by yourself can be the best tool to navigate this situation,” says Uhl. “Sadly, most individuals that I support in doing that do eventually leave the relationship, as the destruction of trust is too difficult to rebuild.”
The post Your Partner Keeps Promising to Change. Here’s When to Stop Waiting. appeared first on VICE.
