Have you ever wondered why it’s harder to get over your toxic, short-lived situationship than your healthy, loving, long-term relationship? (If you can’t relate, consider yourself lucky.)
Time and time again, I scroll on TikTok and hear countless stories from daters claiming they’re more distraught over someone who won’t actually commit to them than they are over a breakup with someone they thought was “the one.” For a while, I couldn’t fathom why, exactly, this might be. That is, until I researched the science behind this phenomenon—and experienced it myself.
Here are three reasons a situationship breakup might hit harder than an actual relationship ending.
1. You’re Grieving What Could Have Been
Oftentimes, situationships trigger grief over potential. Because we never got the chance to see things through with the person, we might get stuck in a “what if?” scenario.
“In my clinical work as a relationship therapist, I see situationships are often more difficult than relationships for my clients,” says Lisa Chen, LMFT, psychotherapist and founder of Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy in Los Angeles. “You’re not just grieving a person, you’re also grieving the potential of the relationship. Unlike a relationship, there’s no clean ending or story. In these situations, our brains won’t give up trying to ‘solve’ or understand something that never fully existed.”
The ambiguity, she adds, is a major reason we get stuck in our own grief.
“When a connection is left undefined, we are more in our own minds—our fantasies, projections, and anxiety—than in a defined relationship,” Chen explains. “We’re on this never-ending journey to find meaning, which keeps our attachment to this person strong…even after it ends.”
2. The Unpredictability Is Addictive in Nature
Situationships often come with high highs and low lows, which can keep you hooked for the wrong reasons. While the ending of healthy, committed relationships certainly stirs up grief, the ending of a situationship might trigger more intense emotions. This doesn’t mean you felt stronger feelings for the person. Rather, you probably just formed a toxic attachment to them.
According to Chen, this can be best described through behavioral science.
“The unpredictability of a situationship can make the bond feel more addictive than a relationship, because of the intermittent reinforcement and dopamine hits,” she says. “In a situationship, you get just enough to stay hooked. It can feel like playing the slot machine, which can keep us pulled in and close to the other person.”
3. You’re Experiencing Disenfranchised Grief
Many people invalidate the grief that accompanies a situationship. Because the dynamic is not classified as an actual relationship, some people downplay the emotional experience of losing that connection.
“Since the relationship wasn’t ‘official,’ your friends tend to minimize your loss, which in turn makes it harder to move on,” Chen explains.
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