My parents, who are in their 80s and mentally sharp, retired to Florida over a decade ago. I live in the Midwest. I am very busy with a new promotion that I worked hard to earn. And I attend an annual conference that helps me in my job. The issue: My mother has decided to have hip-replacement surgery that she has postponed for years, and the surgical date conflicts with my conference. Since it’s elective surgery, I asked her to choose any other date so that I could be there to support her. She refused. Should I cancel the conference, which I enjoy, and eat the nonrefundable costs, or go to the conference and check in with my mother by phone? She sent an email saying that I shouldn’t feel guilty because she knew she couldn’t count on me!
DAUGHTER
One of the hardest things for adult children to remember is that our parents have their own lives, even when we are not with them. You have shared just enough information to make your mother seem unreasonable, but you have left out an important detail: What did she say when you asked her why she wouldn’t postpone the surgery? It may have been difficult to schedule. She may be in increased pain. Or she may not think your presence is necessary.
Now, I grant you that the email she sent was unkind. But you haven’t provided the context for it. My mother might also have sent a zinger, for instance, if she thought I was coming out of duty, rather than out of love. Could that be the case with your mother? If your letter is any indication, much of your focus seems to be on your busy job, your new promotion and this conference. Your mother may have gotten the impression that she is merely another obligation.
Get on the phone with her. Say: “I’m afraid we’re miscommunicating, Mom. I want to come and help out because I love you. If there’s any way that you can reschedule the surgery, I want to be there. Is that possible?” If she refuses your offer, respect her agency to make her own decisions. Check on her support network, but remember: This surgery is not about you.
Let’s Leave Our Wives Out of This, Shall We?
I’ve had a close friend since childhood. We are in our 30s now, and both of us are married. But there is no love lost between our wives. My friend told me that his wife no longer wants to socialize as couples and that he and I should see each other one-on-one. In contrast, my wife is willing to see this couple despite the poor behavior of my friend’s wife. I find this situation insulting to my wife. I’ve told my friend that our current dynamic is unacceptable, but nothing has changed. Is it time to end this friendship?
FRIEND
No! I understand your preference to socialize as a foursome. But occasionally, people don’t mix well. That’s no reason to make your friend’s wife into a villain — or to force yours to sit through unpleasant evenings to accommodate you. See your friend on your own. Being married doesn’t mean socializing only as a couple. I respect your friend for recognizing a bad fit and for suggesting an alternative to preserve your long friendship.
Happy Early Birthday, America. Hmph.
My three sisters and I own a cottage together outside Washington, D.C. I live in it and pay rent into an account for maintenance and taxes. One of my sisters lives on the West Coast and asked that our annual Independence Day party be held a week early this year. She’s afraid that our nation’s 250th anniversary will make travel difficult and expensive. But I’m excited that the Fourth of July falls on a Saturday this year and don’t want to reschedule. So, she is giving a second party, and I am miffed about it. Thoughts?
SISTER
Unless your rental arrangement provides for your exclusive use of the cottage — which doesn’t seem to be the case — you don’t really have a right to veto your sister’s party. If you want to create house rules as a group, go for it. But in their absence, I don’t see the harm in a second party. And I can’t imagine that a sister who lives on the other side of the country is a frequent nuisance to you. Try to be flexible with your sisters. If you can’t be, maybe co-ownership is not for you.
One Day, It May Be a Yes
I am a social person. But increasingly, I have little time to socialize. I have two young children and a demanding job. Still, some friends text me frequently, even though I reply concisely and keep refusing their kind invitations. Should I be firmer — maybe start ignoring texts?
BUSY MOM
I once had a boss who, like you, was a busy working mother. She taught me a valuable lesson for managing social interactions on text and email: Do not become hostage to your phone or feel compelled to respond to every message as it arrives. Once or twice a day, spend 15 or 20 minutes responding to all of them — and don’t worry about them again until the next time. It beats telling friends to stop texting.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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