New research by Tawkify found that a whopping 37% of people in long-term relationships believe they’re carrying unresolved resentment toward their partner.
What’s worse? They haven’t voiced it.
Additionally, among those carrying resentment, nearly 68% have been holding it for over a year, with most holding it for around 18 months.
Unaddressed resentment is one of the most severe threats to healthy relationships. When someone secretly resents their partner, they might be more passive-aggressive, less affectionate, and overall unfulfilled.
How Resentment Builds in Relationships
According to Tawkify’s research, 84% of people whose relationships ended said that unresolved or unspoken issues play a role. When you fail to address your concerns, resentment inevitably builds and erodes the connection.
“The main reason why resentment builds in a relationship is because of unresolved issues that occur over time,” says Krista Walker, LCSW, J.D., Clinical Director at The Ohana Luxury Addiction Treatment Center in Kailua Kona, HI. “When things aren’t addressed, it builds up and leads to feeling resentful or unseen, or unappreciated.”
Additionally, resentment often stems from multiple sources of frustration, like misaligned values or unmet needs.
“Resentment does not typically come from one single event,” Walker says. “The most common reasons for resentment include an imbalance in the relationship. One partner may feel that they are giving away more than they receive from the other person.”
“A partner may have unmet needs that aren’t being communicated,” Walker adds. “There may be a lack of repair after a serious event like cheating or infidelity.”
Signs of Resentment in Relationships
There are many subtle signs of resentment in relationships, but these often go unnoticed. In fact, 22% of people in long-term relationships said they’ve been carrying the same unspoken issue for more than five years without voicing it. Another 62% of people in long-term relationships say they have stayed in a relationship situation longer than they wanted simply because they didn’t know how to communicate their resentment.
This isn’t always the other partner’s fault. If you’re not communicating your concerns or needs, they might not pick up on the disconnect until it’s too late. In fact, 47% of people whose relationships ended believe their partner felt the breakup was sudden or unexpected.
However, some signs might include emotional withdrawal or a lack of communication.
“Resentment can be hidden. It doesn’t always show up in an obvious way,” says Walker. “Sometimes it’s more subtle. A person may become more emotionally withdrawn. They may stop engaging with their partner.”
Another sign of resentment is petty or spiteful behavior. For example, the resentful partner might take jabs at the other, putting them down in small ways or no longer showing affection.
“Sometimes resentment comes out as passive-aggressive comments or sarcasm,” Walker adds.
If you notice this behavior in yourself or your partner, it’s not too late to address it. While resentment can break even the healthiest of relationships, it’s not always a death sentence for connections.
“The key takeaway here is that resentment is really about unaddressed issues that occur over time,” says Walker. “When couples repair things early, it can keep resentment from taking hold.”
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